The Joke Thread

[mudnut]

I bought a dog from a blacksmith, so when I got him home, he made a bolt for the front door.

[DX grunt]

" Hey mate. There's a speed camera..........nah don't worry about it, you're driving a Patrol". lol.

[Avo]

" Hey mate. There's a speed camera..........nah don't worry about it, you're driving a Patrol". lol.What sort of trol do you own...mine loves 180

Sent from my SM-A205YN using Tapatalk

[Plasnart]

What sort of trol do you own...mine loves 180

Sent from my SM-A205YN using Tapatalk

Blew the paint off and all. :)

[Avo]

Blew the paint off and all. :)Ya got me there....bugger

Sent from my SM-A205YN using Tapatalk

[mudnut]

I ordered a chicken from EBay and an egg from Amazon.



I'll let you know...

[the evil twin]

I ordered a chicken from EBay and an egg from Amazon.



I'll let you know...

Only problem is... 51% of the worlds population unequivocally believe the Rooster will always come first... and the other 49% of the population know, science or no science, ain't nuthin gonna change their mind.

[MB]

Amen And Awomen And ......soon to come, Algbtq [emoji23]

https://youtu.be/dQqbc-uPUNQ








Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[the evil twin]

Amen And Awomen And ......soon to come, Algbtq [emoji23]

https://youtu.be/dQqbc-uPUNQ








Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Ooohhhh... you are so going to Hell MB!!!... you forgot the "i"

I thought maybe instead of "Amen" and "Awomen" etc that "Asouls" would cover everyone so I yelled it out at the end of a prayer and got thrown out of the Church

[mudski]

I only know one joke.
What’s better than eating a Mandarin?

Who knows the answer?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Avo]

Choking on it?

Sent from my SM-A205YN using Tapatalk

[Avo]

Choking on it?

Sent from my SM-A205YN using TapatalkAh fuck it..
Typical thirsty thirdsady....mist redit

Sent from my SM-A205YN using Tapatalk

[Cremulator]

I only know one joke.
What’s better than eating a Mandarin?

Who knows the answer?


Sent from my iPhone using TapatalkWho's Amanda?
[emoji23]

[TPC]

.........
82847

[Dhuck]

I only know one joke.
What’s better than eating a Mandarin?

Who knows the answer?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I don't know who she is or what she is like, but I think eating amanda out

[Touses]

Now, don't quote me here....... but.

The latest covid research indicates that only males and females are subject to infection.

There is NIL indications of infection in the other 70 genders.

[Touses]

Talking to a woman t'other day, she heard the covid vaccines cause infertility.
Another woman heard they cause autism.
A bloke I had a chat with heard they they had nano trackers in them.

Strikes me what we need is "heard" immunity.

[MB]

‘Heard’ them all into Yanco Touses Mate, they’re not worthy of a quick bolt, a slow hippy electrocution death they all requested back peddled on slow now too [emoji24]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[mudnut]

I gotta get new glasses. The new deodorant stick read: Push Up Bottom, or some such thing. It hurt a bit, but every time I fart, the room smells pleasant.

[Brissieboy]

He grabbed me by my slender neck
I couldn't yell or scream.
He took me to his dingy room
Where we could not be seen.
He stripped me of my flimsy wrap,
And gazed upon my form.
I was wet and cold and damp,
And he was nice and warm.
His feverish lips he pressed to mine,
I gave him every drop.
He drained me of my very self,
And I couldn't make him stop.
He made me what I am today,
That's why you find me here...
A broken bottle, tossed away,
That once was full of beer.

[Avo]

That deserved more than a like...

Sent from my SM-G973F using Tapatalk

[mudnut]

Scientists are working on methods for humans to absorb the energy to live, without needing to expel waste.

I shit you not.

[mudnut]

From Faceache.

With the rise of the self-driving vehicle, it is only a matter of time until there is a sad country song about a truckie whose rig leaves him.

[BigRAWesty]

My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She said if I make any more, I'm toast....
But the kids keep egging me on....

Sent from my SM-S916B using Tapatalk

[Plasnart]

Brett Sutton is Victorian Of The Year.

[mudnut]

I am writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes, but it is still only a draft.

[Touses]

My wife has has figured out which child causes her the most trouble.
The son of her mother in law!

[mudnut]

I want to work at a pottery makers, but I keep getting fired.

[mudnut]

In a roundabout way, my career guidance counsellor told me to work at carnivals. Yet he got straight to the point when told my friend to become a tailor.

[mudnut]

When God said, "Let there be light," he was glad he made someone's day.

[MB]

Christmas in July…..Aussie Winter Celebrations [emoji318]
Bought a Tree [emoji268] from down the road and The Bloke ask me; “Are you going to put it up yourself” ?
Politely replied; “Nah mate, reckon we’ll just put it next to the Coonara in the lounge room.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Plasnart]

I thought you were referring to muddy’s bon bon-class humour when you started with Xmas in July mate! Lol

[MB]

Bon Bon Humour Rocks Too Plassy & Muddy Mates [emoji736][emoji736][emoji106][emoji106][emoji23]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[mudnut]

Bon Bon Humour Rocks Too Plassy & Muddy Mates [emoji736][emoji736][emoji106][emoji106][emoji23]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I am addicted to Dad jokes, so I told my doctor. He just said I can't be serious. My friend also came to the doctor with me. I said, "My friend thinks he's a fruit bat."

The doctor replied, Ahh, I was wondering why he was hanging around."

[Plasnart]

Haha you reminded me of this one muddy:

I went to the psychiatrist the other day just wearing glad wrap for pants. The doctor said “Well I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

[mudnut]

I could do lots of jokes about the universe, but I don't where it will end.

[mudski]

I could do lots of jokes about the universe, but I don't where it will end.

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2023/07/49.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[mudnut]

Two narcissists lying on a sunny beach. The first one says, "God its hot."

The second snaps, "Don't use my name in vain!"

The first shrugs and says, "I was talking to myself."

[pearcey]

Reminds me of the old days.
87052

[mudnut]

Do the Poles have magnetic personalities, or do they repel one another?

Is the Vatican just another god complex?

Quote of the day: $5000 to get the noise fixed in my car's front end. Personally, I think that is a steering racket.

[Plasnart]

Do the Poles have magnetic personalities, or do the repel one another?

Is the Vatican just another god complex?

Quote of the day: $5000 to get the noise fixed in my car's front end. Personally, I think that is a steering racket.

87053

……….:)

[mudnut]

A pilot with hemorrhoids job is sore-ring high.

Just to clear the air, I use filters.

Pushing shit uphill is wasted effort.

[mudnut]

As a young father, I was never told that changing nappies was so terrible. It is a bum wrap.

[MB]

Love YA Work Muddy Mate [emoji736][emoji736][emoji106][emoji106]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Plasnart]

https://www.betootaadvocate.com/entertainment/treasurer-jim-chalmer-labelled-a-tight-arse-after-organising-a-pin-dick-35-footer-for-albos-bucks/
……….

[Plasnart]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I
replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No”, she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

______________________________



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first ... the
shed, the boat, making beer.

Always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever
way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway"

The doctors say I will walk again, once my testicles descend, but I will
always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
"What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.

______________________________ __

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2
seconds."

I bought her bathroom scales.

And then the fight started.

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt"

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got
disability too."

And then the fight started.

______________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight's perfect."

And then the fight started.

______________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day! The
driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.

[billyroberts]

RECESSION USA STYLE


The recession has hit everybody really hard...


My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.


Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.


CEO's are now playing miniature golf.


Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.


A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.


If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.


McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.


Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .


Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.


My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!


A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico .


A picture is now only worth 200 words.


When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.


And, finally....


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan , and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Thanks, great

[NissanGQ4.2]

Thanks, great

Nice try, any more and you will be removed for good