The Joke Thread

[Bob]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

[Bob]

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

[Clunk]

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey.
Then the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked.
"Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied. "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete." The bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" The cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy!" Exclaimed the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"



































"Rustling."

[growler2058]

Very very very very baaaad Clunkster

[Clunk]

Very very very very baaaad Clunkster
yeah I know, great hey!!!!???? hahahahahaha

[jack]

Very very very very baaaad Clunkster
I agree, but won't stop me using it as a DAD joke.

[Woof]

yeah I know, great hey!!!!???? hahahahahaha

I hate to say it, but that sort of joke really appeals to my weird sense of humour mate...hahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaah ahahhaha

[P4trol]

That's a tearable joke.

[growler2058]

One day I'll meet Clink and because of that joke I'm gunna punch him in the throat hahaha

[mudnut]

That's a tearable joke.

That's not punny!

[MEGOMONSTER]

That's not punny!

Now that's funny.

[snicko]

Not sure if this has been posted before..anyway................


The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting his coat on. His wife, seeing his unexpected behaviour, asks, "And where do you think you are going?"

He replies, "I'm off to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Hearing this the wife starts struggling to get out of her rocker, she then slowly goes to the cupboard and starts to put on her coat.

The husband now looks mystified and starts to yell at his wife. He says, "And where on earth do you think you are going?


“Oh” she answers, "I'm off to the doctor, too."


He says, "Why, what do you need a doctor for?"


She says, "Well if you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

[MEGOMONSTER]

Not sure if this has been posted before..anyway................ The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting his coat on. His wife, seeing his unexpected behaviour, asks, "And where do you think you are going?" He replies, "I'm off to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." Hearing this the wife starts struggling to get out of her rocker, she then slowly goes to the cupboard and starts to put on her coat. The husband now looks mystified and starts to yell at his wife. He says, "And where on earth do you think you are going? “Oh” she answers, "I'm off to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need a doctor for?" She says, "Well if you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

I can just imagine 96 year old gran saying that, then cackling quietly to herself.

[NP99]

Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mum was eating that banana.

[MEGOMONSTER]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[firm351]

Back during the Iraq war, and George W Bush in the Whitehouse.

Donald Rumsfeld was finishing an afternoon briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh, and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hung open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Rumsfeld, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a brazilian?"

[NP99]

Back during the Iraq war, and George W Bush in the Whitehouse.

Donald Rumsfeld was finishing an afternoon briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh, and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hung open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Rumsfeld, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a brazilian?"

What scares me is that was probably a true story:)

[Bush Ranger]

Little Johnny farted in class one day. The teacher said `` Stop that Johnny``. Johnny stood up and said ``Which way did it go miss?``

[NP99]

Teacher was asking her pupils what their daddies did for a living one day. Little Suzy was first up, and said, "well, my daddy teaches quantum physics at Auckland University." Impressed, teacher says "well done, Suzy, well done.
Little Bob jumps up next, and says, "well, my daddy is an economist working for Deutsche Bank, and can accurately predict what the stock market is going to do next".
Teacher looks really impressed, and says, "that's amazing, Bob, well done."
Little Johnny is next to speak.
"Well, my daddy's not living at home. He's serving a stretch at Parry (a maximum security prison in Auckland) for murder. He's openly gay, and earns his money being a bitch to the Mongrel Mob boys."
After class, teacher pulls Johnny aside and says "It's really sad to hear that about your father, Johnny"
"Oh, Miss, thats OK, I lied. He isn't any of those things. I just didn't want to tell the class he drove a GQ".

[NP99]

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the GQ,YOU ride in it!!!"

[firm351]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

[mudnut]

Three die-hard soccer fans were lost in the desert and were starving. Luckily, they came across a freshly dead goat.

"Well, we could divide this goat up according to which club we support," says one bloke. "I barrack for Manchester, so I will take the chest area."

"I support Liverpool, so I will take the liver," asserts the second fella.

The last man wasn't happy with the arrangement, at all. "I am a member of Arsenal, and we're going to find a different way to do this!"

[NP99]

DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE.
You little rebel, I like you.

[BigRAWesty]

What do you call a cow having a wank???

Beef strokinoff

[Bob]

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"

What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

[BillsGU]

What do you call a cow having a wank???

Beef strokinoff

You do realise that a cow is a female?

[TPC]

You do realise that a cow is a female?
You are being a bit pedantic, do we need to have a mass-debate over this.

[Punderhead]

You are being a bit pedantic, do we need to have a mass-debate over this.

Pull yourself together mate.

[Punderhead]

You do realise that a cow is a female?

You might have to hand him a tissue for that one

[Bush Ranger]

You have to hand it to him, he tried to tell a good joke.
I thought it would be beef jerky if it was a bull tugging off.

[BigRAWesty]

Ok. I'll try this one then.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the water?

Bob

[TPC]

Ok. I'll try this one then.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the water?

Bob
Are you getting these jokes from your kids? :)

[Bob]

As some of you know I am 72 years old and I love to fish. I was sitting in my boat the other day when I heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

I looked around and couldn't see any one. I thought I was dreaming when I heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

I looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

I said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

I looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in my front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

I opened the pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[BillsGU]

Ok. I'll try this one then.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the water?

Bob

That's better. At least it's technically correct ........................ :thumbup:

[rusty_nail]

Ok. I'll try this one then.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the water?

Bob

what to you call a guy in a hole with a shovel?

Doug

What do you call a guy hanging around your front door?

Matt

What to you call a Guy hiding in the bushes?

Russel

there are more but i can remember them at the moment.

[Punderhead]

Is it wrong to hate a certain race??




















See, I normally run the 5k but my friends want to run the 10k and I hate it.

Why, what did you think I meant?

[Clunk]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale on e-bay.

[Clunk]

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole
in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.'

[mudnut]

A couple of bogans were returning home carrying a slab. They were walking past an outdoor cafe as a woman started choking on a piece of steak. Her husband yelled out for help.

One bogan jumped the divider, pulled the woman's dress up, bent her over and whipped her undies down. He bent down and licked her bum.

Even though she was close to blacking out, she was so shocked, she coughed the steak out and screamed.

The bogan's friend gave him the thumbs up. "Nice one maaaate. It's the first time I've ever seen the Hind Lick manoeuvre."

[jack]

That still has me laughing.

[Bob]

A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the lord.”
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “there is no Lord.”
One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.
The next morning the lady screamed, “praise the Lord, who gave me this food.”
The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed “it wasn’t the Lord, it was me.”
The lady without missing a beat screamed “praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!”

[Bob]

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[growler2058]

That's GOLD BoB

[2TROLLFAM]

I place a frog dead in the centre of a circle. The circle has a 6mtr radius. A frog can jump 50cm per jump ... How many jumps will he make to get out of the circle ??

Sent from my iPhone using Forum Runner

[Punderhead]

I place a frog dead in the centre of a circle. The circle has a 6mtr radius. A frog can jump 50cm per jump ... How many jumps will he make to get out of the circle ?? Sent from my iPhone using Forum Runner

Is the frog dead?

[TPC]

Is it a zombie frog?

[2TROLLFAM]

Is the frog dead?

LMFAO well that was short and sweet !!! Yes - the frog is dead

Sent from my iPhone using Forum Runner

[2TROLLFAM]

Is it a zombie frog?

Could be .... I'm a girl, never thought of that LOL what's worse is I thought it was funny when my 9yr old told me

Sent from my iPhone using Forum Runner

[Bob]

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.

The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

[Bob]

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.
They are all asked: 'When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?'
The first guy says: 'I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.'
The second guy says: 'I would like to hear that I was a school teacher who made a huge difference.'
The last guy replies: 'I would like to hear them say... "LOOK .. HE'S MOVING!"'

[Punderhead]

3 men are sentenced to death, but because up until their crime they have been good citizens, the judge says they can choose how they will die.

The first requests lethal injection.

The second a firing squad.

The third says "I want to die of natural causes, filthy rich, on my own private island, surrounded by women"

[Punderhead]

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: 'Mick! I lost me finger!'
'Have you now?' says Mick. 'And how did you do it?'
'I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
Darn! There goes another one!'

[Punderhead]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband, Paddy, spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, Paddy ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried Paddy. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

[Punderhead]

A doulbe-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer. " A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from y ou, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fiftenn years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[Punderhead]

An Irish backpacker walks into a pub in Queensland, and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Aussies are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Backpacker on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Man says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Aussie tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Irishman sits in amazement.

The Backpacker gives the Aussie the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Aussie replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

[Bob]

Two Irishmen were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"

[mudnut]

Not sure if this has already been posted.

A man enters a bar, carrying a heavily built bird cage with an ugly looking bird inside. He put the cage on the floor and asked for a beer.

The barman served him and asked, "What sort of bird is that?"

"A Crunch bird. He'll eat anything I tell him to."

"Bull dust," scoffs the barman. "Get it to eat that bar stool."

The man opens the cage, and says, "Crunch bird, the stool."

Squawking loudly the bird attacked the chair and within seconds, there was nothing but a small pile of sawdust.

"Wow!" the barman was amazed. "Now try the bar."

The man was puzzled by the request, but he said, "Crunch bird, the bar."

Again, the bird squawked loudly and ripped into the bar.

Just as the bird was finished demolishing the bar, the manager of the establishment burst into the room and yelled, "What the hell is going on here?"

"The Crunch bird ate the bar," said the barman.

The manager growled, "Crunch bird, my arse!"

[Punderhead]

Welcome to plastic surgery anonomous. I see a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say that I'm disappointed.

[Bob]

California Vinters in the Napa Valley area. which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Griglo wines have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More

[Bob]

Woman to psychiatrist:” I can’t sleep, because my husband thinks he’s a fridge.
Psychiatrist: “Does his condition worry you?”
Woman: “No, it’s just that he sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”

[mudnut]

Maybe Col Elliot, but not sure...


Mick and Paddy were picking up odd jobs as they were travelling Aus. They came across a sign which read: TREE FELLERS WANTED.

Mick turns turns to Paddy and says, "Maybe we shouldn't apply, 'cause there's only two of us."

[Clunk]

A woman walks into the City Centrelink office,
in Hervey Bay trailed by 15 kids . . .

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?'

'Yeah, they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs,
having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to
find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be
here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one, he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but
continues. One by one, through the oldest
four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl,
named Terri.

'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing
a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it
easier. When it is time to get them out of bed
and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when
it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they
all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid
who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry'
and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea
I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then
wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But
what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
the whole bunch

'I call them by their surnames!'

[Bob]

On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a time.

..No one moves.

..He removes his shirt.

..Muscles ripple across his chest.

..She gasps...

..He whispers:

"Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

[growler2058]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2014/11/44.jpg

[Bob]

TWO tigers are walking through the jungle when the one at the back licks the behind of the one in front.
The lead tiger turns and says: "Hey, cut it out." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
Five minutes later the rear tiger licks the other's backside again.
The front tiger gets angry, but the other tiger just apologises.
After another five minutes, he does it again.
The front tiger turns and says: "What is it with you? I told you to stop."
The other tiger says: "I really am sorry but I just ate a Politician and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

[Bob]

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest baddest bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

[firm351]

A kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep.

He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.

[Bob]

After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”

[Bob]

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great!


With apologies to Kat and the other female members. I don't really think like that but I thought this was funny

[P4trol]

No Nativity Scene in Canberra this Year

*The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation’s Capital this Christmas* season.This isn't for any religious reason.They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra ...

The search for a Virgin continues.....

There was no problem, however, finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.

[Bob]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water.

He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

[4bye4]

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full...

[cyrilraymond]

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly
icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their
honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked
into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an
email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and
friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw
the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as
mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __
x men jean grey (https://plus.google.com/+JeangreyCofan/posts)

[NP99]

Oooooooooooh

[NP99]

............?

[Winnie]

Here's a few...

http://mixfuns.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/funny-animated-picture-messages.jpg

http://www.anyjokes.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/animal-jokes.jpg

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2015/01/1.jpg

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2015/01/2.jpg

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2015/01/3.jpg

[NP99]

Oooooooooooooo

[Winnie]

..........

53420

[Gecko17]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop’s expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[threedogs]

............?

there is a lady at our supermarket like that, with a personal hygiene problem to match
I gag every time she walks past aaarrrggghhhh

[Gecko17]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air
and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes
her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this
decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'It's Keith , the dwarf.'*

[Punderhead]

'Well you see mate, it's like this. .. . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

[TPC]

'Well you see mate, it's like this. .. . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

That was best told by Cliff from Cheers. Makes sense to me. :trink13:

[4bye4]

I've been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.
So far, I haven't been in Continent; but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.

[TPC]

That is classic 4bye4, love it.

[Gecko17]

An Aussie and a Kiwi walk in to a bakery together.
Quick as a flash, the Aussie bloke has gotten 3 sausage rolls off the shelf and in to his pockets before the person behind the counter can see him.
The Aussie bloke turns to the Kiwi and says "pretty bloody quick eh?"
The big, burly baker rocks up to the counter and asks what the two want.
The Kiwi says "I bet I can amaze you with a magic trick!"
The bloke behind the counter reluctantly agrees.
The Kiwi bloke picks up a sausage roll and starts eating it. When he finishes the first, he grabs a second and devours that as well. He then grabs a third sausage roll, eats all of it and then, with a great show of licking his lips and fingers goes 'Taa Daa!'
The bloke behind the counter, with an angry look, says to the Kiwi bloke "What's magic about that?"
The Kiwi bloke looks him straight in the eye and says
"Now, look in my mate's pocket!"

[Punderhead]

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

The chauffeur looked the professor straight in the eye and said....

"Sir, the answer to that is so simple, that I will let my chauffeur, who is in the back, answer it for you!"

[Punderhead]

PROOF THAT MEN ARE BETTER FRIENDS THAN WOMEN!

One night a man's wife does not come home from a night out with the girls.
The next morning, the man asks his wife where she stayed,
and she informs him that she stayed at a friends house.
The man goes through her phone and calls her closest ten friends,
and all of them stated they knew nothing about it.

One night the husband does not come home from a night out with the boys.
The next morning, the wife asks her husband where he stayed,
and he informs her he stayed at a friends house.
The woman goes through his phone and calls his closest ten friends,
and 8 of them confirmed he slept over their joint,
and 2 of them said he was still there!!!

[Punderhead]

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

[Gecko17]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired." His buddy says:​“Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.​She’s after me 3 and 4 times a dayI just don't know what to do." A fellow about my age (45+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said... "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit."

[Punderhead]

Two drums and a cymbal rolled down a hill.
Ba dum tssss





Two elephants walked of a cliff
Boom boom

[TD42_PWR]

:) i also see this is going to be a good thread

[firm351]

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

[the evil twin]

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

Cheating bastards... hope they get banned from Zimmer Frame events as well

[firm351]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance
Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts
at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. However,
Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that
he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem.
My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with
that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you & learn to live with your infant size winky.'

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, and holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran
out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'


'Yes, it is .... 6 pounds, 10 ounces, 19 inches long.'

[firm351]

The ATO decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandad's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

[lucus30]

Ha ha too funny

Made me updog

[4bye4]

Thats gold. Hmmm maybe the wrong expression.

[Bob]

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a rabbit. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the rabbit."
The doctor said, "My point exactly".

[firm351]

A guy applies for a Government job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[mudnut]

A triple zero operator gets a call
" Triple zero how can I help you?"

No one answers, but she could hear
breathing. "Are you there?"

"Yes," whispered a very young voice.

"Can I speak to your mother?"

"No," whispered the voice.

"Why not?"

"She's very busy."

"Can I speak to you father?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"He's very busy too," the voice was barely
audible.

"What is your father doing?'

"Talking to the policeman."

"Ohh, so the Police are there. Can I talk
to one of the policeman?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"They're very busy too."

"What are they doing?"

"Talking to the firemen."

"May I speak to one of the firemen?"

"No."

"why not?"

"All of them are very busy as well."

"What are they all doing?"

"Looking for me."

[Alitis007]

59099..............

[Bob]

Nowadays you need a fixed telephone line only to find your smartphone.

[growler2058]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2015/06/343.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using My thumbs

[4bye4]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[Chubba]

Two flys land on a piece of poo. They taste it and it tasted good so they go ahead and start eating. After about five minutes the first fly lets rip a fart. The second fly looks up at the first fly and says
"Do you mind not farting while I'm eating."

[Bush Ranger]

Two vomits were going past a pub in the big smoke and one says to the other ` I was brought up here`.

[Bob]

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?” "I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.” “Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?” ”Who said my Dad’s dead?” The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?” “He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.” “Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?” ”Who said my grandpa’s dead?” Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?” “He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?” “No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.” At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?” ”Who said he wanted to?”

[4bye4]

Quiz: ARE YOU A MALE OR A FEMALE?
NOT SURE??
(HAVE A LOOK FURTHER DOWN TO FIND OUT...)









NOT IN THE POST YOU IDIOT

[Bob]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[Bob]

HEAVENLY MARITAL HELP


Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

[4bye4]

HEAVENLY MARITAL HELP


Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

Use the alternative supplier - they have got plenty of lawers.

[Bob]

Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day.

Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

[4bye4]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - You're a wanker

[Bob]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."

[4bye4]

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make I found the number and dialled it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, could I please speak with Robyn?
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 22 Metric Drive, in Perth . It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Bill Jones,'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Bill?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Bill, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Bill, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'
I said, 'Make me,'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Bill Jones.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 22 Metric Drive, in Perth . It’s a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Bill. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 22 Metric Drive, Perth, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Metric Drive, Perth .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Metric Drive.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

[Bob]

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious,"
the saleslady says.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[mudnut]

Little Johnnie was having
trouble with his grades
at school. After much
discussion his parents
decided to send him
to a catholic primary.

When Johnnie came
home after his first
day at his new school,
he went straight to his
room and began his
homework. This
went on for a few weeks
until he brought his
half-yearly report home.
With trepidation his mum
opened the envelope and
began reading the report.
She was amazed to see
that Johnnies grades were
excellent.
"Wow," she exclaimed.
"Johnnie, how come
you have done
so much better at your
new school?"

"Well, Mum, when I saw
the statue of the guy
nailed to the big plus sign, I
knew that they were'nt
joking!"

[Bob]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked: 'When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?'

The first guy says: 'I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.'

The second guy says: 'I would like to hear that I was a school teacher who made a huge difference.'

The last guy replies: 'I would like to hear them say... "LOOK .. HE'S MOVING!"'

[blocko05]

Pat asked Murphy one day " if i was to sleep with your wife and she fell pregnant and had a baby would that mean we would be related"
Murphy scratched his head and replied " no but it would make us even though"

[Bob]

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness

to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He

approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've

known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've

been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your

wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their

backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't

the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more

than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he

pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you

know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley

since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his

parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.

He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't

build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice

is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know

him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and

called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice,

he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows

me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

[blocko05]

A vagina is like roofing iron

if you don't nail it enough then it will end up at the neighbors house

[TPC]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"


The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[4bye4]

Full steam ahead.
61588

[kurt0187]

:icon_driving:

[mudnut]

How many dads does it take to wallpaper a room?
















































Three, if you slice them thinly.

[mudnut]

What do you call really expensive velcro?
















































A rip off.

[mudnut]

Why did the idiot have trouble leaving the hotel?







He could use the doors marked push and pull, but when he got to the door marked lift, he was stumped.

[my third 256]

Think, before you speak







Here are six reasons why you should think
before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that
you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, '
No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
S oooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak!!!






"Good friends are like stars..You don't always see them,
but you know they are always there.

[Bob]

When Neil Armstrong was reentering the Lunar Module he said "Best of Luck Mr Gorski"
Everybody was intrigued by that comment and thought he was referring to a fellow Russian Space traveller.
There was nobody of that name.
Neil was asked over the years what he meant by the comment but he just smiled and made no comment.
Eventually when someone asked the question again he said OK the guy is now dead and I can answer.

When I was a small boy we lived next to a Mr & Mrs Gorski.
I kicked a Ball over their fence and whilst retrieving it I heard Mrs Gorski say
"Sex you want Sex . You will get Sex when that Kid next door walks on the Moon"

See attached for explanation
http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.asp

[Maxhead]

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that." 😂😂😂😂

[Bush Ranger]

Why has santa have such a big sack?




He only comes once a year.

[rusty_nail]

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the male driver.

"No way", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver?

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY?" quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy

"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies" the driver offered.

The boy sighed: "Listen Dad, you bought a Land Cruiser - you live with it!"

Sent from my E6782 using Tapatalk

[4bye4]

64820

Now thats funky.
Furry.
Funny dammit

[mudnut]

A snake slithers into a vets surgery, bumping into things as he went. The vet sent the snake to an optometrist who made a pair of specs for the snake.
A week or two later the vet saw the snake down the street and asked him how he was.
The snake replied " I'm bloody depressed, 'cause I found out I was married to a hose!"

[Punderhead]

Two Irishman are at the pub having a drink together.

One says to the other
"I can't help but think from Ye accent that yer from Ireland."

"Aye! From Dublin I am!"

Dublin yer say!! Why bless my heart I grew up in Clontarf!"

Clontarf!!! Did Ye go to st Joseph's college?

Aye, graduated in 89!

How can we have graduated in the same year from the same place, yet have never met!!

The bartender sighs and says

It's gunna be a long night! The murphy twins are drunk again!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Maxhead]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=67046&stc=1

[Touses]

I AM A SEENAGER

I am a seenager, senior teenager.

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work,

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own place,

I don't have a curfew.

I have a drivers licence and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into pubs,clubs and bottle shops.

The women I hang about with are not scared of getting pregnant,

And I don't have acne.

Life is great.

[jack]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[jack]

A Nissan mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Patrol when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this.?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Patrol.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $ 50,000 a year and you make $ 500,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work.?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.... "Try doing it with the f#%king engine running!..

[jack]

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of english:

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

4. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

21. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

23. How is it possible to have a civil war?

24. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

25. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

26. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

27. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

28. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

29. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

30. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

31. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

32. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

33. Why do shops have signs, 'guide dogs only', the dogs can't read and their owners are blind?

[jack]

Port Douglas, Qld, Australia.

The owner of a golf course in Port Douglas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical assistance.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated at the James Cook University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought for a moment and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[Brissieboy]

And a few more:

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn?
If you give a jackass an education, do you get a smartass?
Streakers *repent* your end is in sight.
47.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
If peanut oil is made from peanuts, vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why is it called an asteroid when it is outside the hemisphere, but a hemorrhoid when it is in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take it for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?
If you have sex with a prostitute againmst her will, is it rape or shoplifting?
A flying saucer is what you get when a nudist spills his coffee.
A major company just developed a new paint called Blondo, it's not too bright and it spreads easily.
A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...
A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help.
Above all else: Sky.
Absence makes the heart grow fungus.
Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.
Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Analysing humour is like analysing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.
Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
Assassins do it from behind.
Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
Because of the Power Crisis, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. So far I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat a lot better.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetically spelled that way?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honours student, but you're still an idiot.
What fiend put an 's' in lisp''?
How come 'abbreviation' is such a long word?
How come you park in a driveway yet drive in a parkway?
Why do we sit in the stands?
What is Victoria's secret?

[Clunk]

The missus asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.
Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before!!!

[Clunk]

Just heard from the police that the thief who steals shirts according to their size is still at large!!!

[GeeYou8]

I heard that a midget clairvoyant had escaped, police said there was a small medium at large.

[Bush Ranger]

Last time I heard a rapper, I was taking the Polly Waffle out to eat it.

[Bush Ranger]

Kids in class were asked to put a two syllable word in a sentence. Little Susie puts her hand up and says ` Miss miss, I have one`. Teacher says okay Susie, what is it? It`s hammer miss. My dad had to use a hammer to hit a nail in to the wood the other day. Well done said the teacher. Little Cassy says ` Miss miss, I have one. What is it Cassy teacher asked. It`s rancid miss. Mum had some butter that was left out on the table the other day and it went rancid. Little Johnny was busting his gut waiting to be picked. Teacher says what`s your word Johnny and can you use it in a word. Johnny says `It`s lettuce miss, if we all behave our selves to day, would you lettuce out early`.

[Bush Ranger]

Kids are back in class again and were asked to put another two syllable in to a sentence. Little Shazza puts her hand up and was asked by the teacher what it was. She says purple miss. My skirt is purple in colour miss. Little Charlie puts his hand up and he too was asked what 2 syllable word he had. He stated it`s Thursday and to day is Thursday, which is nearly the end of the school week. Little Johnny put his hand up and busting at the seams to tell his two syllable word. Teacher asks what is it and Johnny says it`s manure. Teacher looks at him and wonders how he`s going to use this in a sentence and says okay Johnny lets hear it. Johnny says ``Man, you`re a good teacher to us miss, but you be better if you let us out early again to day.``

[BillsGU]

An Aussie stockman had just got married and he and his wife stopped at an outback hotel on their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'Do you want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.."

[Bush Ranger]

Two young people had gotten married and thought a driving around Australia honey moon was a good idea. Their vehicle broke down in the wheat belt of WA at dusk and walked to the nearest farm for help. The farmer told them that there`s not much they can do at that time of day and they may as well stay the night and look at the car first thing next morning. They were told that there isn`t any spare beds in the house and the only place that might be any good, is the hayloft in the barn. The newly weds said that would be fine and thought it be romantic to spend a night there. The farmer asks if they would like dinner and they told him that they`ll survive on the fruits of love. Next morning the farmer woke at the crack of dawn and went out to start the days chores and calls out to the newly weds on how they are going and he was told that they were doing well. He said good to here, but do you mind not throwing out the skins from the fruits of love, as it`s choking my ducks.

[4bye4]

Heard this on the radio this morning. An old one but a good one. Why men shouldn't write advice columns.

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work,leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile from down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband'shelp. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with my neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need your advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty.
I hope this helps, John

[Mc4by]

I hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger is making a new movie.
Toyota Recall

[Bush Ranger]

The Michelin Man was invited to a formal end of year celebration, he thought he might put his best attire on.

[4bye4]

Telstra help line.


Thats all but I think it belongs here

[GQtdauto]

Telstra help line.


Thats all but I think it belongs here
What no accent that you can't understand?

[bazzaboy]

Why is the grass in New Zealand so green and healthy looking?


















Because all the Kiwi's are over here, trampling on ours.

[4bye4]

What no accent that you can't understand?

Box tickers


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Clunk]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2017/04/78.jpg

[GQtdauto]

That's brilliant Clunk , very funny .

[Clunk]

...................http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2017/04/91.jpg

[Clunk]

................http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2017/04/162.jpg

[TPC]

................http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2017/04/162.jpg

Meanwhile in the Dublin church oratory, Paddy and Micks sons, Sean, Liam, Conor and Dylan had a competition to see who could cum the highest up the wall.
They were in there masturbating furiously and Father O'Leary walked in, had a look at what was happening and he hit the roof.

[Clunk]

I couldn't help but overhear two fellas in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his mate: "Man you look tired."
His mate says: ​“Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day.​ She wants sex before breakfast, sex before I go to work, when I come home she’s tearing my shirt off as I come through the door.
She’s got her hands down my pants after dinner. She even joins me in the shower almost every night. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow in his 50’s sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that shit!"!!!

[GQtdauto]

Robbie Williams , Elton John and Kyle Minogue were on there way back to their hotel after a hard night of drinking , as they passed a fence with bars on it Robbie grabs Kyle and jams her head between the bars rips off her knickers and starts having his way with her .
Just as he finishes he turns to Elton and says your turn mate , and with that Elton starts balling his eyes out uncontrollably, what the hells the matter asks Robbie Williams ? Elton says I can't fit my head between the bars .

[Clunk]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” the man replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“Can’t,” breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slowly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.“
Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies toilets.”!!!

[GQtdauto]

A dirty old drunk who never missed a day at his local pub in years suddenly doesn't show up one Saturday , the bartender who knew him well thought maybe he's sick , next day still no drunk and the bartender thinks geez he must be crook .
When it got to the Thursday the bartender thought the poor old bugger must have died but the next day the Friday he shows up , gimme a beer he drools , the bartender pulls him a beer slides it over to him and says where have you been in hospital or something ?
The Drunk says nah when I left here last Friday staggering home when I got to the railway track there was a Sheila tied up to the tracks so I untied her and took her back to my place where we made mad passionate love using every imaginable position in every room of the house .
And that's where I've been all week !
The bartender says what ! A filthy dirty old barstard like you , you haven't had a tub in years , you're still wearing the same spew stained shirt you had on four weeks ago I don't believe you !
The drunks says no , scouts honour , straight up never bullshit in me life !
The bartender thinks about it and says what did this Sheila look like ?
The drunk says I don't know I couldn't find the head !

[4bye4]

Yea whatever!!
73219

[GQtdauto]

Yea whatever!!
73219

Must be something wrong with me I understand that completely.

[BillsGU]

Paddy got a job working in a bakery.

One day the health inspector walked in and caught Paddy with his false teeth in his hand. He was using them to make the patterns in the crust on top of the apple pies.

The health inspector said "Paddy - I'm disgusted! Haven't you got a tool?"

Paddy said "I do. But I use that for the doughnuts."

[Bob]

Bob , Roofy & AB all Die but they don't go to Heaven but to Hell.

Bob is lead into Room 650 and there lying on the Bed is oldest Hag that you can imagine.
The Door is welded shut and a voice comes over the Intercom that says "Bob for all your Sins on Earth this is what you must suffer for eternity."

Roofy is led into Room 690 and there lying on the Bed is a Ugly Pox ridden Woman of the Night.
The Door is welded shut and a voice comes over the Intercom that says "Roofy for all your Sins on Earth this is what you must suffer for eternity."

AB is led into Room 700 and there lying naked on the Bed is Bo Dereck with an inviting look in her eyes.
The Door is welded shut and a voice comes over the Intercom that says "Bo Dereck for all your Sins on Earth this is what you must suffer for eternity.

[Touses]

Paddy and Seamus are staggering home from the pub. They stumble across the local rail line and begin following it. After quite a spell Seamus , in the lead, slurs to Paddy "This is the longest feckin stairway I've ever known." Paddy struggling behind replies "Yes and it got the lowest feckin handrail to be sure."

[Touses]

Paddy and Seamus, in their usual state of inebriation, are taking a 'shortcut' home. Little do they know that a circus has set up on the town common and they stagger straight onto the 'tame' bear chained in the middle of said common. A terrible melee ensues, screaming, cursing, the bear roaring but the lads manage to break free and make good their escape. Arriving home they inspect each others injuries from the fray.
"Ah" says Paddy "yer in a shockin state you are, shockin!"
"And you too Paddy, tis a horrible sight you are n all, horrible. You know Paddy I believe that was Michael O'Malley, the drunken bastid, who so unfairly attacked us back there." replies Seamus
"Well" says Paddy "we'll fix the coont. We'll sneak back later and steal the feckers fur coat!"

[Bob]

Bob , Roofy & AB all Die but they don't go to Heaven but to Hell.

Bob is lead into Room 650 and there lying on the Bed is oldest Hag that you can imagine.
The Door is welded shut and a voice comes over the Intercom that says "Bob for all your Sins on Earth this is what you must suffer for eternity."

Roofy is led into Room 690 and there lying on the Bed is a Ugly Pox ridden Woman of the Night.
The Door is welded shut and a voice comes over the Intercom that says "Roofy for all your Sins on Earth this is what you must suffer for eternity."

AB is led into Room 700 and there lying naked on the Bed is Bo Dereck with an inviting look in her eyes.
The Door is welded shut and a voice comes over the Intercom that says "Bo Dereck for all your Sins on Earth this is what you must suffer for eternity.

@AB

Just to enforce the Message

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2017/10/23.jpg

[AB]

And suffer she will!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[MB]

Genetically not possible;-)

[Bob]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[4bye4]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

That explaines everything - we don't have a balcony.:wink:

[Bob]

This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here before," the first guy says.
"Oh really," the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gough, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible," the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it!" he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!...he comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast!" he says.
"Well, what the heck, OK...I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...100... 200...300...500...1000 feet and SPLAT!!!!... ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.
After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

[TPC]

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle.
I bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in my bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the
bicycle,the bottle would break,
so I drank all the Scotch before I rode home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because
I fell off my bicycle several times on my way home

[BillsGU]

Paddy gets a job driving trucks.

He takes a wrong turn and gets his truck stuck under a low bridge.

The local policeman comes up to Paddy and says "Paddy, what on earth are you up to?"

Paddy says "I was delivering this bridge - but I've lost the address!"

[Bob]

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest.
“I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me,
so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.”
It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back.
“I’m glad you brought it up” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.”
“You people should be ashamed of yourselves” stormed the lawyer “stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here?
Here look at this” he said pulling out his check book, “look I wrote out a cheque for the full $150,000!”

[BillsGU]

Two VD germs are walking along a railway line.

Before they realise it a train comes around the corner at a very high speed.

Before it runs over them one VD germ turns to the other and says -

"I think I'm a gonner here".

[mudnut]

Broke and homeless, Mick and Paddy were hitch hiking in search of work. They came across a sign advertising for Tree Fellers.

Mick turns to Paddy and says, 'We needn't try goin' for that job, cause there's only two of us."

[AB]

Bloody GU drivers :1062::1062::sterb003::driving2:

[4bye4]

Bloody GU drivers :1062::1062::sterb003::driving2:
Let the tyres down to about 10psi and drive it out.

[GQtdauto]

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle.
I bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in my bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the
bicycle,the bottle would break,
so I drank all the Scotch before I rode home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because
I fell off my bicycle several times on my way home

This has to be joke of the year !

[Bush Ranger]

Two vomits walked past the local pub and one of the spews started to bag the place, on how it was a real dive. They serve shoddy grub, terrible drinks that are warm as hell, the toilets are garbage, the whole place stinks and you get spoken to in a cr@ppy manner. The other vomit says steady up mate, I was brought up here.

[GeeYou8]

Let the tyres down to about 10psi and drive it out.
Nah, pressure clean the underside first while you have the chance.

[TPC]

..........
73520

[GeeYou8]

Classic line from Benny Hill's Ernie "Would you like it pasteurised 'cause pasteurised is best, she said Ernie I'd be happy if it comes up to me chest".

[PatrolLord]

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy replies: "In the car." "Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy

[GeeYou8]

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy replies: "In the car." "Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy
But I wouldn't be starting from here.

[4bye4]

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Are you having a beer?”
Descartes says, “I think not”, and ceases to exist.

[jack]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc. which protocol decrees), the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.


I have researched the history of . . . "...... At that point, the colonel interrupted.



"Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file."



"Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fu@k off."

[mudnut]

Had to visit a psychiatrist as part of medical examination for a job I had applied for.

After many questions about my life, family and current job, he asked if I thought I had an superpowers.

I replied yes, raised my left my hand and wiggled my fingers.

After a minute or so he asked what my superpower was.

Laughing, I told him it was to get psychiatrists to look at my left hand for a freakishly long time.

Didn't get the job, though.

[mudnut]

My son actually did that to a psych:)

More from him...

What do you call a sinking sheep ship?





A ewe boat.


Do you think that glass coffins will become fashionable?

.



Remains to be seen.

[GQtdauto]

My son actually did that to a psych:)

More from him...

What do you call a sinking sheep ship?





A ewe boat.


Do you think that glass coffins will become fashionable?

.



Remains to be seen.

Did you pinch that joke book from Clunk?

[mudnut]

The difference between flying pigs and politicians?







The f.

[Clunk]

...........

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2018/11/199.jpg

[MB]

Emergency Teacher Miss Edwards filling in for Mrs Bowers at a small Riverina Primary School in South Western New South Wales recently.
Miss Edwards kindly informs her temporary grade 3 rural class that Mrs Bowers has unfortunately caught a case of the Mumps and that she was here to help out in her absence whilst recovering.
“For this weekends English homework students I would like you all please to find another real life use of the word ‘contagious’ that we can share on Monday morning in stories together”
Monday comes around and little Sarah is first to share her story with Miss Edwards and the class.
“Well Miss, my family and I watched our favourite television show together (Hey Hey It’s Saturday) where Daryl & Ossie had us all laughing so hard that mummy said it was ‘contagious’.
“Great work Sarah” Miss Edwards said then asked little Jimmy next to share his weekends story.
“Well Miss, my Dad and I were travelling through the orchard region between farms together when we saw our neighbours tractor trailer flipped over on the side of the road with thousands of Oranges everywhere”.
“Goodness gracious me” Miss Edwards said.
Little Jimmy continued on...
“Dad then turned to me and said we’d better stop and help Barry out son as that’ll take the poor ‘c#nt ages’ to clean that mess up”.







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Ghosts]

Little Susie goes to the shed and asks her dad ``What`s sex?``.
Dad thought what was he going to tell little six year old Susie. He decided to tell her all about the birds and the bees and Susies eyes widened as dad was telling her all about it.
Dad asks why she wanted to know and little Susie says `` Mum told me to tell you, that dinner was going to be ready in a couple of secs.``

[Touses]

My view on lesbians? By preference full HD.

[Ghosts]

A hen laid an orange one day and one of her chick says ` look what marmalade`.

[Ghosts]

If a farmer had one hundred female pigs in one paddock and 100 male deer in another, how much money would he have?
One hundred sows and bucks.

[rusty_nail]

A hen laid an orange one day and one of her chick says ` look what marmalade`.Absolute dad joke gold!!!

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[mudski]

A snip from the interwebs...

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Touses]

Duck farts, where do they come from?




................ Their buttquacks

[MB]

Helping the Father-in-law mate out tidying up his garage we found his old joke folder from trucking in cab storage days :-)
http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2019/11/122.jpg
http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2019/11/123.jpg
http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2019/11/124.jpg
And they’re the most politically correct ones we could find :-)



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Avo]

There is no one 2 miles away.....bwhaaaahttp://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2019/11/126.jpg

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Wine_maker]

:driving2:
79760

[Bundy1]

What do the eskimos getting from sitting on the ice to long????



polaroids!!!

[Bundy1]

Why are murders in Tasmania so hard to solve?



Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

[Bundy1]

Want to hear a joke about the construction industry in Australia?



Too bad, they’re still working on it.

[Wayne'O']

I hope this one is ok and not too rude guys.

Man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a rum and coke.
The barman reaches behind and grabs an apple then puts it in front of him,

The man says, 'I wanted a rum and coke'
The barman said, 'just try it it's something I've been working on you'll love it'
The man takes a bite, 'wow that's the rum'
Barman, 'turn it around'
Man, 'wow there's the coke how did you do that, that's amazing'

Meanwhile a 2nd man walks in and orders a gin and tonic.
The barman reaches behind and gives him an apple.

2nd man, 'I asked for a gin and tonic'
1st man, 'hey just try it man you won't be disappointed'
2nd man takes a bite, 'that tastes like gin'
Barman, 'turn it around'
2nd man, 'there's the tonic wow that's just awesome.

A dwarf (little person) walks into the bar the barman asks what he wants and he's not too sure yet when both men start saying you have to try his apples he can make them taste like anything. He thinks for a minute and says

Little man, 'do you have an apple that tastes like pussy'
Barman, 'do I ever' reaches behind and hands him an apple. The little man grabs it and takes a big bite then spits it everywhere and says

Little man, 'that tastes like shit'
Barman, 'turn it around'

[mudnut]

I got banned from a Flat Earth facebook page because I asked if the Covid 19 pandemic had pushed anyone over the edge yet?

[Plasnart]

An English cat named One Two Three Cat and a French cat named Un Deux Trois Cat were walking through a forest and came across a river.
To have a little fun, they decided to have a race across.
One Two Three Cat swam across, and when he finished the race, he looked behind him.
Un Deux Trois Cat was nowhere to be seen.
So One Two Three Cat figured that Un Deux Trois Cat sank.

[PeeBee]

An English cat named One Two Three Cat and a French cat named Un Deux Trois Cat were walking through a forest and came across a river.
To have a little fun, they decided to have a race across.
One Two Three Cat swam across, and when he finished the race, he looked behind him.
Un Deux Trois Cat was nowhere to be seen.
So One Two Three Cat figured that Un Deux Trois Cat sank.

OK, I will ask, what is the joke, I don't get it? Like a trilogy from MB - doing my head in.

[rusty_nail]

OK, I will ask, what is the joke, I don't get it? Like a trilogy from MB - doing my head in.Sank is six cat is five in French. It's an awesomely terrible dad joke

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk

[Plasnart]

OK, I will ask, what is the joke, I don't get it? Like a trilogy from MB - doing my head in.


Sank is six cat is five in French. It's an awesomely terrible dad joke

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk

Yeah sorry about that. It was so bad it made me laugh. :) Except sank is 5 and cat is 4. 1 2 3 4 5.

[rusty_nail]

Yeah sorry about that. It was so bad it made me laugh. :) Except sank is 5 and cat is 4. 1 2 3 4 5.Haha thanks, clearly I don't speak French or can count

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk

[MB]

Tis even funnier in German Plassy Mate when the Cat gets truly farked with one more digit :-)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Plasnart]

Tis even funnier in German Plassy Mate when the Cat gets truly farked with one more digit :-)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah, but you gotta have a cat in there somewhere mate. There's ya jerry problem right there.

[mudnut]

That is like a joke we found in a christmas popper: How do dogs say Merry Christmas? Fleas navidog.

Had us scratching our heads (pun intended) for ages until we got Netflix and saw subtitles for a Spanish flick.

[jman69]

Q What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A. A pork chop.

[mudnut]

How do you make a camel that can go three days without water into a camel that can go four days without water?

Kick it it the nuts while it is having a drink.

[Plasnart]

My NBN. Couldn't connect my printer via WiFi today. No signal. Yeah cool. Can forum though?

[rusty_nail]

My NBN. Couldn't connect my printer via WiFi today. No signal. Yeah cool. Can forum though?That's not got anything to with NBN mate lol. Can you explain more? Your printer can't see the wifi signal? Is your phone connected to the wifi? Or a laptop?

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk

[Plasnart]

That's not got anything to with NBN mate lol. Can you explain more? Your printer can't see the wifi signal? Is your phone connected to the wifi? Or a laptop?

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk

Mate I'm having to refresh twice on the tablet to update forum posts (first press of "whats new" comes up with no connection. No my printer cant find my wifi no phone or laptop. Just this tablet (android). I scanned a doc on the printer but cant attach that doc to an email coz my pc can't read the printer. Printer says no wifi connection. Ffs

[rusty_nail]

What have you done lol!

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk

[Plasnart]

Ffs this is now my 2nd attempt to reply. First relly has gone to the stars.

I used to have average internet connection, rarely off line, but slow. Had my local nbn dude hook me up a couple of months ago and now have more offline time than ever before. When he hooked me into the nbn I went hard offline instantly while he was here. He blamed all sorts of things but i didn't let him leave before I was back online. Took him 2 hours and he wasn't a happy camper. Just wanted to get in and out with no care. So now I have a completely shit internet connection rather than a usually shit connection. Two thumbs up, great work! :D

[rusty_nail]

Ffs this is now my 2nd attempt to reply. First relly has gone to the stars.

I used to have average internet connection, rarely off line, but slow. Had my local nbn dude hook me up a couple of months ago and now have more offline time than ever before. When he hooked me into the nbn I went hard offline instantly while he was here. He blamed all sorts of things but i didn't let him leave before I was back online. Took him 2 hours and he wasn't a happy camper. Just wanted to get in and out with no care. So now I have a completely shit internet connection rather than a usually shit connection. Two thumbs up, great work! :DNow I'm really confused. What do you mean your "local NBN guy" NBN don't deal directly with the public, and you cannot organise for them to come to your premises, that needs to be arranged by an internet service provider? Can you explain a bit more mate? Songs like your modem is shit or poorly configured though

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk

[Plasnart]

Now I'm really confused. What do you mean your "local NBN guy" NBN don't deal directly with the public, and you cannot organise for them to come to your premises, that needs to be arranged by an internet service provider? Can you explain a bit more mate? Songs like your modem is shit or poorly configured though

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk

Well I had this bloke come over to hook me into nbn. I had internet before he rocked up. After he fukced around with my wires I had no internet. He said I had a problem with my internal wiring. I said I had no problem until you rocked up, so you're not leaving until I've got it back. He had to pull some magic I've got no idea but my nbn speed is worse now. Just tried to do a speed test but cant get a result. Not enough internet reception.

[MB]

Q: Why did the kid fall off his bike?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Winnie]

Q: Why did the kid fall off his bike?


Sent from my iPhone using TapatalkCos MB threw a stick at 'im

Sent from my SM-G986B using Tapatalk

[MB]

A: MB was the kid and some geek threw a modem at ‘im :-)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[PeeBee]

A: MB was the kid and some geek threw a modem at ‘im :-)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

F....Me, I don't follow this at all, and I know its not my brain. This place is turning something like a lunatic clinic for outpatients.

[jay see]

While having dinner tonight we were watching acropolis now on YouTube, which lead to sooshi mango Italians vs Greeks.

Greeks invented sex and we introduced females.

[MB]

F....Me, I don't follow this at all, and I know its not my brain. This place is turning something like a lunatic clinic for outpatients.

Q: How did the engineer trip over his cape?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Avo]

F....Me, I don't follow this at all, and I know its not my brain. This place is turning something like a lunatic clinic for outpatients.What do you mean turning,it's always been a lunatic hangout

Sent from my SM-A205YN using Tapatalk

[Woof]

What do you mean turning,it's always been a lunatic hangout

Sent from my SM-A205YN using Tapatalk

Avo Must be a Patrol thing...............................so glad I own a Navara

[Avo]

Avo Must be a Patrol thing...............................so glad I own a NavaraYou Git,you the one turning us all

Sent from my SM-A205YN using Tapatalk

[Touses]

How do you extract extra extra virgin olive oil?


Ugly olives

[MB]

https://youtu.be/HPwOuUt_OXs


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[growler2058]

https://youtu.be/HPwOuUt_OXs


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
hahahaha we all been there hahaha

[Winnie]

hahahaha we all been there hahahaNot me, not ever. No siree not ever I.

Sent from my SM-G986B using Tapatalk

[growler2058]

Not me, not ever. No siree not ever I.

Sent from my SM-G986B using Tapatalk
Dude there’s pics maaaaaan

[Rossco]

Bwahah VB ?? [emoji37]

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[growler2058]

Bwahah VB ?? [emoji37]

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

🤮 hahaahhahahaa

[mudnut]

Sex on a lift is wrong on so many levels.