The Joke Thread

[Bob]

A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked, "Does your dog bite?" The attendant said, "No, he doesn't." But as the man let his hand down to pat the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room.

Returning to the desk, the man said, "I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." He directed the attendant's attention to the dog, who now had returned to the rug. The attendant simply answered, "My friend that is NOT my dog."

[Clunk]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.

Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

[growler2058]

Johhny and Janie in the classroom

Teacher asks i want to hear a story with a moral

Janie replies last year my chicken laid 2 eggs but only 1 hatched

Teacher replies thankyou Janie good response

Jonny replies I got 1 I got 1.....

During the war my grandad was stuck in the trenches by himself. All he had with him was a .303, 10 rounds, a bayonet & a bottle of BUNDY RUM.

Next thing 40 enemy soldiers stormed his trench.

He shot ten

Stabbed ten.

And killed 20 with his bare hands!

Teacher says gee Jonny that is a very grusome story, but is there a moral?

Jonny replies SH!T yeah.............don't F&*k with grandad when he's p!223D

[growler2058]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.

Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Love it if thats fair dinkum id be recommending a medal hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[big_fletch]

A blonde is driving down the road when she notices another blonde rowing a boat in a cornfield,
She pulls over on the side of the road and yells out "Its blondes like you that make us blondes look dumb, If i could swim i would come out there and kick your a$$"

[Bob]

A UNI graduate is applying for a part time job to help with his course fees. He applies to work in a supermarket and gets the job. The first day the manager tells him to sweep the floor, the UNI grad. is furious and shouts "hey mate, don't you know that I have several degrees in various areas of science and after seven years of going to university you ask me to sweep the floor". The manager replied “Oh sorry, I didn't know that, here pass me the broom and I’ll show you how to sweep the floor."

[growler2058]

thats my brother in law

[Bob]

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."He returns her gaze, "Anything?""Anything."His voice softens, "Anything?""Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

[Bob]

When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. “Do you take children?” the man asked.
“No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards.”

[Bob]

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $269.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $269.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and Ken's key chain.

[wildgu6]

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~



Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

[wildgu6]

Little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[Clunk]

These may only work if you know what a Yorkshire accent sounds like, if not I'm sure you'll be able to work them out lmao


Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' me."


***

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"

***


A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that, as she had always been a religious woman, her headstone should have the words "Lord, She was Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "Lord, She was Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E Lord, She was Thin".



***



Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[Bob]

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

[AB]

This is my brothers one and only joke he has told about a hundred times.

Always gets told on camping trips...lol

The mud crab joke!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAOq99LdsoY

[Bob]

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

[cnw351]

[QUOTE=Nissan Kid;1425]Lol...Was wondering how long it was going to be before this started


Wife asks husband,

"How many women have you slept with?"


Husband proudly replies,

"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Stupid me read that one to the wife, she said I hope you enjoy the couch.

[Bob]

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

[Clunk]

A surgeon went to check on his patient, an attractive blonde, after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
"How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again, doctor?", she asked.
The surgeon seemed to pause,
"What's the matter, doctor? "I will be alright?"
"Yes," replied the doctor, "you'll be fine. It's just that ...no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."

[Clunk]

A Cambodian, a Japanese, a Korean, a Chinese, a Burmese, a Philippine, a Vietnamese, a Malaysian, and an Indonesian walked into a bar; but the bartender stopped them.
"I'm sorry," he told them, "but I can't let you in without a Thai!"

[Clunk]

I figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "for extra volume and body". I'm going to start using "Fairy" dish soap. It says "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

[Bob]

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"

[wildgu6]

FIRST TIME SEX


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[wildgu6]

A husband and wife are shopping when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.'
He never knew what hit him.

[trollman]

reason to think for yourself?


http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread669360/pg1

[katwoman]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perks up and says " how about that ! I just ordered a glass of champagne"
'what a coincidence' says the farmer ' this is a special day for me, I am celebrating'
This is a special day for me too,.. I am also celebrating' says the woman
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer
As they clinked glasses, the man asked 'what are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying for a child and today my doctor tells me I'm pregnant !'
'What a coincidence!' says the man
'I'm a chicken farmer and for years my chickens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertile eggs!'
"That's great!' says the woman 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
"i used a different cock' he replied
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence':hpfredgeorge1:

[Bigrig]

PROOF THAT MEN ARE BETTER FRIENDS THAN WOMEN!

One night a man's wife does not come home from a night out with the girls.
The next morning, the man asks his wife where she stayed,
and she informs him that she stayed at a friends house.
The man goes through her phone and calls her closest ten friends,
and all of them stated they knew nothing about it.

One night the husband does not come home from a night out with the boys.
The next morning, the wife asks her husband where he stayed,
and he informs her he stayed at a friends house.
The woman goes through his phone and calls his closest ten friends,
and 8 of them confirmed he slept over their joint,
and 2 of them said he was still there!!!

[Bob]

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[timbar]

My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took... it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[Bob]

THE CAT:
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.
Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.
Running, running, running; we're tired of running.
Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

[growler2058]

If i've got 1 mothball in this hand
And another in this hand
What have i got?

A bloody big moth :thumbup:

[wildgu6]

PROOF THAT MEN ARE BETTER FRIENDS THAN WOMEN!

One night a man's wife does not come home from a night out with the girls.
The next morning, the man asks his wife where she stayed,
and she informs him that she stayed at a friends house.
The man goes through her phone and calls her closest ten friends,
and all of them stated they knew nothing about it.

One night the husband does not come home from a night out with the boys.
The next morning, the wife asks her husband where he stayed,
and he informs her he stayed at a friends house.
The woman goes through his phone and calls his closest ten friends,
and 8 of them confirmed he slept over their joint,
and 2 of them said he was still there!!!

Priceless mate just bloody priceless........LMFAO

[Bob]

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

[Spock]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer..

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,

'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................



You'll like this
















NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[Woof]

What a RIPPER Spock, thanks mate..

[Bob]

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for?

He replied, “The expiration date.”

[NissanGQ4.2]

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think..

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.



Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Dog License Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Health Tax
Hunting License Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax


And Now Julia Gillard Wants a Flood Tax and then a carbon Tax !


Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.


We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle class, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the "Hell" happened? It’s called 'politicians?'

[Bigrig]

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think..

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.



Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Dog License Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Health Tax
Hunting License Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax


And Now Julia Gillard Wants a Flood Tax and then a carbon Tax !


Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.


We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle class, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the "Hell" happened? It’s called 'politicians?'

Very good Todd ... top find champion!!

[NissanGQ4.2]

Drunk Taster

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director was in urgent need of looking for a replacement.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position..

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three yea rs old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.
"It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."

A third glass.
''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father!"

[Bob]

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

[ambition]

A little girl came home from school and asked her mum if babies came out of the same place that the boys put their willy's?

Relieved that she didn't have to explain the whole thing, the mum says "Yes, that's right. They come out of exactly the same place."

The little girl then looks puzzled and then asks..."But won't that knock my teeth out?"

[ambition]

My lesbian neighbours gave me a rolex for christmas.

That was nice of them and all, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch".

[ambition]

Why are the soles of an elephant's feet yellow?

So they can hide upside down in bowls of custard.






.......




Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of custard?

See? Works awesome huh?

[Bob]

A man wrote a letter to the Taxation Office: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00.
If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”

[katwoman]

Tim died in a fire and was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed some one to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Nowoolies and Clunk.The 3 men had always done everything together.
Nowoolies arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Nowoolies said ' Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Nowoolies said ' Nope, ain't Tim.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he bought Clunk in to confirm the identity of the body.
Clunk looked at the body and said, ' Yup, he pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Clunk said ' No, it ain't Tim.'
The mortician asked 'How can you tell?'
Clunk said, 'Well, Tim had two a$$holes.'
'What ? He had two a$$holes ?' Asked the mortician
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Tim with the two a$$holes.'

[nowoolies]

Tim died in a fire and was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed some one to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Nowoolies and Clunk.The 3 men had always done everything together.
Nowoolies arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Nowoolies said ' Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Nowoolies said ' Nope, ain't Tim.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he bought Clunk in to confirm the identity of the body.
Clunk looked at the body and said, ' Yup, he pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Clunk said ' No, it ain't Tim.'
The mortician asked 'How can you tell?'
Clunk said, 'Well, Tim had two a$$holes.'
'What ? He had two a$$holes ?' Asked the mortician
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Tim with the two a$$holes.'

hardy hardy ha ha ha

[Bob]

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[gec]

When the wife leaned over to pull weeds from their garden, the husband said, "Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's bigger than the barbecue."
While she complained, he grabbed a tape measure from the garage, measured the grill, then measured his wife.
"Yep! Two inches wider than the grill!"
She said nothing.
But that night, in bed, when he felt frisky, she brushed him off.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little wiener!?"

[Bob]

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you
guys."

[Spock]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."


2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."


4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."


5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."


6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."


7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."


8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."


9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."


10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."


11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants- It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

[Spock]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AUSTRALIAN."


2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."


3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."


4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."


5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."


6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."


7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."


8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."


9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."


10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."


11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."


12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

[Spock]

ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Drink is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free alcohol.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The drink is too weak.
ACTION: Have more alcohol until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Drink is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[Bob]

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

[growler2058]

Thats where I work Bob!! hahahha good one

[Spock]

GUTS & BALLS:

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[molongmick]

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

[Bigrig]

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

I told mine that she is like dog sh!t ... the older she gets, the easier she is to pickup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohhhhhhhhh, there it is!!!! ROFLMFAO!!!!!!

Sorry dear? No, just on the forum .... gotta go!!!! LOL

[Bob]

My Dear Sirs;

In reply to your request to send a check, I wish to inform you that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost impossible. My shattered financial condition is due to federal laws, state laws, county laws, city laws, corporation laws, liquor laws, mother-in-laws, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, outlaws, and blue laws.

Through these laws I am compelled to pay a business tax, amusement tax, head tax, school tax, gas tax, light tax, sales tax, liquor tax, carpet tax, income tax, food tax, furniture tax, and excise tax, even my brains are taxed.

I am required to get a business license, car license, hunting and fishing license, truck license, not to mention a marriage license, and a dog license.

I am also required to contribute to every society and organization which the genius of man is capable to bringing to life. To the women’s relief, unemployed relief, and gold diggers relief; also to every hospital and charitable institution in the city including the black cross, the blue cross, the purple cross, and the double cross.

For my own safety I am required to carry a life insurance, property insurance, liability insurance, burglar insurance, accident insurance, business insurance, earthquake insurance, tornado insurance, unemployment insurance, old age and fire insurance.

My business is so governed that it is no easy matter for me to find out who owns it. I am inspected, suspected, disrespected, rejected, dejected, examined, informed, required, summoned, commanded, and compelled, until I’ve provided an in-exhaustible supply of money for every known need of the human race.

Simply because I refuse to donate to something-or other I am boycotted, talked about, lied about, held up, held down, and robbed until I am almost ruined. I can tell you honestly that except for the miracle that happened I could not enclose this check. The wolf that comes to many doors these days just had pups in my kitchen. I sold them and … here is your money!

[growler2058]

oldie but a goodie

mmm didnt work wrong 1

[Bob]

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[Bob]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

[Bob]

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.
In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

[growler2058]

> A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
> Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
>
> He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
>
> St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.
> Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'
>
> 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
>
> 'That's Mother Teresa's',' replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never
> moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
>
> 'Incredible', said the man 'and whose clock is that one?'
>
> St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
> moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
> life.'
>
> 'Where's Julia Gillard’s clock?' asked the man.
>
> 'Julia’s clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

[Bob]

What’s this daily charge for ‘fruit’? The hotel guess asked the manager. “We didn’t eat any.” “But the fruit was place in your room every day. It isn’t our fault you didn’t take advantage of it.” “I see,” said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill
“What are you doing”? Sputtered the manager.
“I’m subtracting 50 dollars a day for your kissing my wife.”
“What? I didn’t kiss your wife.”
“Ah,” replied the man, “but she was there.”

[Spock]

.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.......can you believe that....... 2:30am?!



Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes

[Spock]

An old lady is being examined by the Dr.
He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says “Yes I have, and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too.

[Bob]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

[HippoNZ]

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

[katwoman]

What's the best form of contraception after 50?
Nudity...

[Bob]

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[Bob]

A Poultry Farmer goes to the local Market to buy a Rooster. There is a magnificent rooster for sale for $1,000. The Farmer says to the Vendor that he likes the look of the Rooster and wants to buy it but the Price is a bit steep. After much haggling the Farmer purchases the Rooster for $800.
The Farmer places the Rooster in the Cab of his Ute and starts to drive home. After about five minutes he feels a tap on his shoulder and the Rooster asks how many Chooks does the Farmer have. The Farmer is astounded to hear the Rooster talk but answers that he has 3,000 young Chooks. The Rooster starts to get excited and tells the Farmer to put his foot down and get home ASAP.
Upon arriving at the Farm the Rooster excitingly asks the Farmer where the Chooks are. The Farmer says “Listen mate I paid good money for you so just take it easy and the Chooks are over in that Shed”. The Rooster takes off like a scalded Cat whilst the Farmer frets that the Rooster might over do it. The Farmer goes into the Farmhouse and makes himself a meal. After about 1 Hour he there is a Knock on the Door and when he opens it there is the Rooster who asks does the Farmer have any other Poultry on the Farm. The Farmer says that he has 2000 Ducks down on the Dam but please take it easy as I don’t want to lose you as you cost a lot of money. The Rooster takes off at a great pace down to the Dam and the Farmer goes back into the House.
After about another Hour there is a knock on the door and it is the Rooster who asks what else does the Farmer have on the Farm. The Farmer very reluctantly says the he has 5000 Geese down in far Paddock and like a shot the Rooster takes off down to the Paddock.
After 3 Hours the Rooster has not come back so the Farmer walks down to the far Paddock and there he finds the Rooster on his back with Buzzards circulating over head . The Farmer walks up to the Rooster and says out loud I paid good money for that Rooster and now he has over done it and is dead. The Rooster opens one eye and says to the Farmer “Go away those Buzzards are getting Closer”

[Pete's GU3]

What's the best form of contraception after 50?
Nudity...

C'mon ...you cant be that bad Katwomen??? ..but then again Gippsland....####,,just gagging...

[katwoman]

C'mon ...you cant be that bad Katwomen??? ..but then again Gippsland....####,,just gagging...

Ouch, lucky I don't have feelings..

[Bob]

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

[Bob]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[patch697]

How muck cocaine has Charley Sheen done???????


Enough to kill two & a half men.........lolololololololol

[HippoNZ]

How do you catch a squirell?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

[Clunk]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....


I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.


A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70! Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.


The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

[Bob]

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

[benzo]

crack ups
;p

[molongmick]

The other day, this blond chick threw a pin at me. I ran like hell... the stupid woman had a grenade in her mouth!

[growler2058]

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
“If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."

[growler2058]

A young Chinese couple get married.


She's a virgin & they are both waiters.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".


More thoughtful silence, but this time from him Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

[Bob]

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

[big_fletch]

How much cocaine does it take to get Charlie sheen going??......

Enough to kill two and a half men LOL

[timbar]

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed
him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove
he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and
sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying,
"Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

[growler2058]

The Arrogance of Authority





A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......





With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....


"Your badge, show him your BADGE

[Bob]

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

[timbar]

A Father's Last Request


A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the
older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the
youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he
turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest
with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your
son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God
he didn't ask about the other three."

[Bob]

It was rumored that a particular Native American had a fantastic memory. Hundreds of people asked the American questions which he was able to answer. A skeptical young man set out to find this American. When he did find the American he thought he'd set a test. After standing in a long queue of people asking questions it was finally his turn. He asked the American what he had had for breakfast 10 years ago. The American replied: eggs. The young man went off not entirely satisfied because there was no evidence to prove that the answer was correct.
Ten years later the man comes across the Native American again. Very pleased to see him he comes along to the American and greets him in the traditional "How". The American looks up at him, pauses for a moment and then replies: Scrambled.

[growler2058]

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

SEND THIS TO ALL THE MEN & WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGh.

[Bob]

A man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.

[damianovdd]

Rhinoceros asks a Dinosaur:
- Does Noah added you as a friend at Facebook?
- Well, no.
- Baaaaad....

[Bob]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Spock]

Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are ya up to, Mate?"

"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 cattle from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah........and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus.............. after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

[Spock]

Coyote Population
The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting
an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods
of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would
then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and
Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up,
tipped his hat back and said,
'Son, I don't think you understand our problem.
Those coyotes ain't *uckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
The roar of laughter was deafening!

[Sir Roofy]

Excellent from both bob and spock

[Spock]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[Spock]

I was lying on the sofa watching TV when I heard my first wife's voice from the kitchen :


"What would you like for dinner sweetie....chicken, beef or lamb ?"


I said, "Thank you ; I'll have chicken."

She said "Get f#@ed, you're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

That's when I knew my marriage was in deep sh!t...

[Spock]

Taken from church bulletins/newsletters



• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
• The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community..
• Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

[Spock]

An Australian Love Poem
(Who said Australians weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

[Spock]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids

The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"

The woman says: "No, he's 9 years old and she's 7. Why? Do you think
they look alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got shagged twice"

[Spock]

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?

"The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor - tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey shagged a penguin!"
"Dopey shagged a penguin!"

[Sir Roofy]

Good on ya poor little fella didnt know the difference

[Bob]

A noted heart surgeon was having a formal party. Shortly before the guests were to begin arriving he was told that all the bathrooms were backed up and not flushing. Quickly he called a 24 hour plumber listed in the phone book. The plumber arrived quickly and within 15 minutes told the surgeon that all was well. He gave his bill to the heart surgeon and the surgeon exclaimed, "$900! You were only here 15 minutes! I'm a heart surgeon and even I can't charge that much"! The plumber quietly replied, “Neither could I when I was a heart surgeon".

[molongmick]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.

'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'

[johanp]

The cannibal and his son go hunting. After a few days they come across a beautiful blonde woman.
The son hits her over the head and wants to start eating.
The dad give him a good whack against the head and says "Are you out of your mind? I'm taking this one home and we'll eat your mother."

[valtchanova]

There's a new vegetarian snack food on
sale in Korea. It’s called Not Poodle.

[valtchanova]

And a recent favorite:
A man walks in to the doctors and says,
"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter".
The doctor looks at him and says,
"Sorry, I don't follow you".

[valtchanova]

And a London special - it's Monday let's have some fun:
Q: What's nine-and-a-half inches long
and satisfies all c**ts?
A: An iPad.

[Bob]

People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’.
I say there is.....
Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’
Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’

[HippoNZ]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[Bob]

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

[Bob]

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[Spock]

Important message - New Gov't Programs

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the

economy, The Gillard government has decided to implement a scheme to put

workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs

and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Govt. to be considered for the

SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW

program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the

Govt. deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants

& Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any

further by the Govt.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT

(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Govt. has always prided

itself on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to

the attention of your local MP, who has been trained to give you all the

SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and

oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the

Tunnel has been turned off

[AussieRoadHammer]

I saw a muslim driving a van clearly labelled as carrying explosives,
luckily I managed to pull him over and knock the living crap out of him with my wheel brace before he committed his terrorist outrage.
Now I'm being charged with attempted murder!

Apparently...
TNT is a parcel delivery company!?

[snicko]

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

[Spock]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Dargo back country.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw
the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I
felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of
the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't
know what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing
Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.


When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard
one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

[Spock]

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D!ckhead and Sh!t for Brains.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items..

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[Spock]

YOU HAVE TO SMILE,
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

[Bob]

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[Spock]

AND FOR MY 100th POST ......



A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
But before she could say 'F$#k-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

[growler2058]

AND FOR MY 100th POST ......



A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says


A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
But before she could say 'F$#k-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

Nice one to bring up your ton mate hahahahaha

[snicko]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

[Bob]

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

Was going to send to our Pm but is out of the Country. Wish she would stay there

[HippoNZ]

Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

I laughed when I saw this as it seems so true, but also jealous you guys get the better weather over there than we do here in NZ, last time I tried having a barbie it pissed down with rain lol

[Bob]

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."

[Bob]

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

[Bob]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[Bigrig]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Classic golden oldie! Love it!!

[Spock]

Apologies to any Irish members, couldn't help myself...



Well, 'daylight saving' had just ended and in the early hours of that morning
Paddy found his dyslectic mate, Seamus, covering his penis with black boot polish.
Paddy said, "You idiot - you're supposed to TURN YOUR CLOCK BACK."..............

[Bob]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

[Bob]

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

[timbar]

Donald Duck walks in to his local chemist to buy some condoms the girl behind the counter says to him would you like them on your Bill ?
Donald replys NOOOO i will sufocate silly

[Bob]

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…”
Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??”

[snicko]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[Bob]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[growler2058]

You have just described my day Mon- Fri Bob hahahhahahahahaha

[snicko]

Some people say

"If you can't beat them, join them".

I say

"If you can't beat them, beat them",
because they will be expecting you to join them,
so you will have the element of surprise!!!!!!!!

[GUtsy ute]

Did you hear that Elton John has been asked to play at Osama Bin Laden's funeral?

Apparently he's going to sing "Sandals in the Bin"

[Bigrig]

It seems Barrack Obama is not afraid to assist with menial chores, according to whitehouse staff. In a recent interview, one of them was quoted saying "he is the first president in history to ever take a Bin out"!!.

[snicko]

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

[Bigrig]

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Haha! Never a truer statement made!!! That's why God invented Jiffy Fire Lighters!!! lol

[Silver]

three long married blokes out fishing, when the bite slows, the conversation starts up.

Bloke 1 says 'you wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get out today, the lawns and edges and 3 shopping trips, one for clothes..... for her.'

Bloke 2 says 'That's nothing, I had to do entire list of jobs on the fridge, and help fix the in laws Tojo, again'

Bloke 3 says, 'You blokes want to change your approach. When the alarm goes off, I slap her on the rump, and say - what's it gunna be, fishing or sex. She says 'don't forget the sunscreen. ' '

[Bob]

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Bunnings.

[fixer982]

Osama Bin Laden and his son have been killed by American forces. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Take the Bins out."

So Osama Bin Laden is dead... Amazing what the Americans can do when the Playstation Network is down.

Elton John is to write a tribute song following Bin Laden's death. Sandals in the Bin.

Osama Bin Laden - World hide and seek champion 2001-2011

Osama Bin Laden's last words: So my new iPhone really WAS tracking my location...so much for Apple's Privacy promises...

Osama Bin Laden seeks out a fortune teller, since he knows there is a price on his head. The fortune teller says, "You will die on a major US holiday." Bin Laden says, "Which one?!" She replies, "Doesn't matter. Whatever day you die, it's gonna be a major US holiday�.
Breaking News 6 Irishmen have just drowned dancing on Bin Laden�s grave

[fixer982]

A bloke goes to the local Wanneroo council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the government before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 10 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,

"For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
There's no point in your coming in for that."

[fixer982]

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

[fixer982]

BBC News

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday
in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins
a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February
from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number
of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (
or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its
members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the
press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of
Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a
kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive
Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al
Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not
accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks
to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people
off. I don't like cutting benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my
staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, and
the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their
membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide
bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan
Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have
reconsidered their benefit packages.

[fixer982]

Julia Gillard's $16.4bn bid to revive health deal...



JULIA Gillard appears to have resuscitated Labor's stalled bid for health reform by offering the States $16.4 billion in return for their agreement to absolute transparency about how they spend the extra funding.


The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister Julia Gillard's Health Care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetist thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Canberra.

[fixer982]

A tough looking group of Harley Davidson bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man from Chicago , gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering sensual kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[fixer982]

New Centrelink Telephone Greeting:
Wouldn't it be amazing, if this caught on,
All over the country...?

'GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO "CENTRELINK" THE AUSTRALIAN SOCIAL SERVICES AND BENEFITS OFFICE'

"Press '1' if you speak English."
''Press ''2'' to disconnect until you can."
Have a nice day.

[fixer982]

Why Men Should't Write Advice Columns

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in teh house watching TV. My car stalled, and then broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in bed with the neighbour's daughter.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past 6 months. He won't go to counselling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you help please?
Sincerely, Sheila.

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.
Regards, John.

[fixer982]

NEVER TRUST AN OLD GUY

A Woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and
asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home,
she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young,
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you
to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you
EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street
until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse
and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast
and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together
and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts,
removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,
'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says,
'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonalds'

[fixer982]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[fixer982]

_______________

Franchise Opportunity
__________________






A friend of mine just started his own business in Canada.

He manufactures land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing very well.

He says that prophets are going through the roof!

[fixer982]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas
party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling,
He wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in
the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little
hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite
dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is hot breakfast,steaming hot
coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
'Son...what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the
coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye
when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried
to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!!

[fixer982]

A tourist traveling in America sees an Indian village and during the conversation that followed with the American Indian Chief, the tourist asked what the Chief's wife name was. The Chief replied "Five Horses". The tourist said that it seemed a strange name and asked what it meant.

The Chief replied"Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag".

[fixer982]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally. Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the Bathroom, *poof *!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof *!, the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

'Ethel,' he says, 'George is fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof *! The light goes off?'

'OH MY GOD!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!

[fixer982]

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you
will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe..

We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to
hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

.
.
.
.
.
.
."You got MALE!"

[Pete's GU3]

Frank pops over to his mate johns place , knocks on the the door and johns girlfriend answers.."Oh hi frank, come in johns in the shower he'll be down soon .Frank sits down next to kate on the couch and says to her "Gee kate you have awesome boobs , i"ll give you $100 if you pop 1 out for me , she says Oh" frank i couldn't , please kate says frank "please" ." Allright then" , she pops 1 out . i'll give you another $100 if you show me the other ...nervous john might come down she quickly flops out the other one ..."wow just awesome he says, there the best..he gives her the money.. ..."look i better go now, tell john i was here .Moments later john comes down and kate says" you just missed frank he was here . Oh did he give you the $200 he owes me !

[the ferret]

Three old codgers in the park,all over 80.
" hows it goin after the prostate op Tom"
Tom " Better now, I just stand there for about half a minute and it all happens, every morning, a lot better than it was, how bout you Fred?"
Fred " Nah, gotta see the Doc, I stand there fer half an hour, y'know dribble dribble, gett'n bad, What about you jack?"
Jack " Not a worry, fer a bloke my age, 6 oclock every morning one big long slash, followed by a huge crap.
Fred " Gee and your 84, not bad eh?
Jack " yeah, only trouble is, (scroll down)













''I don't wake up till 7".

[snicko]

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

[GUtsy ute]

Free medical for all

[Spock]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, " Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Spock]

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the ATO
office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with
his attorney.

The auditor said, Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that
believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney
as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks, 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one
side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this
old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make
the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about
it!'


Don't Mess with Old People!!

[Bob]

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[snicko]

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

[Bob]

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

[fixer982]

New Sex Study..

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

[fixer982]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns"
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[fixer982]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know"
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

[fixer982]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a check-up.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

[fixer982]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[YalwalYowie]

I apologise for this in advance but at least it is short and sweet!


A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre... so he gave her one!

[snicko]

A little boy asked his father,

"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied,

"I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[katwoman]

W HY WOMEN CAN'T SLEEP
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well.....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:





Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done,
A decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

Men only have two balls, they consume all his thoughts, then he sleeps like a baby.

[Bob]

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

[snicko]

Bill and Earl are out playing golf.

They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing.

Bill says, "Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing' in the rain!"

[fixer982]

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

[fixer982]

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[fixer982]

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[fixer982]

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[snicko]

A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen. They go on a ride and come back pleased.

"This horse is great! From now on I'll always take this one" said the first cop.

"My horse's great too. So I'll always take it" replied the second cop.

"But how do we know which is which?"

They though for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea.

"Lets cut off this ones tail"

The other cop agreed and the horse lost it's tail.

The next morning The police chief is standing infront of the horses and looks really mad.

The two cops see this and ask whats wrong.

"You two morons cut off the horses tail that's what's wrong!"

"But otherwise we couldn't tell them apart."

"Can't you see the black one is a bit taller then the brown one.?!"

[the ferret]

MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE

'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.

The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop up your firewood?'
'Yep.'
'Happy Birthday', mate!

[katwoman]

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing me I can have sex at 82 !
I'm so very happy, because I live at 74,
so it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

[Bob]

A guy went to the Dentist to have a tooth extracted and when the Dentist went to give him a needle the Guy said dont bother as he had suffered the two greatest Pains known to mankind.

The Dentist said Ok and proceeded to extract the Tooth which proved a little difficult and he had to cut the Gum as the Tooth smashed in half. The Guy in the Dentist Chair di not even flinch.

As the Dentist was cleaning up he said to the Patient "That was amazing as you did not show any discomfort at all. Now tell me what were the two most terrible Pains that you suffered "

The Patient said well the second most terrible Pain was when I was out in the Bush one day when I had to go to the Toilet and when I squatted down I sat on a Rabbit Trap which caught me on the Testicles.

The Dentist said Bloody hell that would have hurt and what was the most terrible Pain.

The Patient said
Scroll Down


















When I hit the end of the Chain

[Bob]

A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.
He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”
The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”

[Spock]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'this is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Sheesh!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of chips, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[Spock]

A woman goes into Myer to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to
The counter.
The Myer salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
Counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
Sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
And 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
This week for $44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
Dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At
First she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind
Salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was
On sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?"
The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

[Spock]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.


The only question asked was: "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a massive failure for the following reasons :




1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "Honest" meant.


2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "Shortage" meant.


3. In Africa they didn't know what "Food" meant.


4. In China they didn't know what "Opinion" meant.


5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "Solution" meant.


6. In South America they didn't know what "Please" meant.


7. In the USA they didn't know what "The rest of the world" meant.


8. In the UK and Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[katwoman]

(sorry Bob. )

[Bob]

(sorry Bob. )

now that is not bad. have to give that one to you kat LOL LOL RAFLMAO

[Spock]

Some more Quickies for you.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.......can you believe that....... 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection....... but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well, we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"F*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a Wellington pub and orders a white wine Spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound like an Aussie",
"I'm from across the ditch in Melbourne," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the ditch?"
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?",
"I mount animals."
"It’s alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

I Spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened the parcel and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr.
He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says F#ck;Yes I have, and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my @rse!
Do you think I should change dentists?

[gec]

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[gec]

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down?
Tough sumbich.
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old "Dukes of Hazard" fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.
One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head.
I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.
So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?
You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.
Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.
I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... "OH SHOOT"! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.
The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...


"THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE"!!!!!!!


There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That sumbich got up and ran off.
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:


"ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE"!!!!!


His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.
I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.
One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

[Bob]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need Sam’s help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don’t know,” he said. “She is till upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

[katwoman]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors", he says
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and askes for his two words. He clears his throat and says
"Bad food".
They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for two more words.
"I quit" he says

"That's not surprising," an elder says.
"You've done nothing but complain since you got here"

[Bob]

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the town’s preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your Father.”

[snicko]

A computer once beat me at chess,

but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

[Bob]

Mrs. Kinsey was one of those women with a natural curiosity. She had to know everything about everything. “How is it,” she asked the dentist one day, “that such little hole in my tooth feels so big to my tongue?” “Well,” said the dentist, “you know how a woman’s tongue exaggerates.”

[Bob]

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

[fixer982]

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of theIrish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

'Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant.'
Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

'What are those?, asks the attendant.

'They're called tees' replies Tiger.

'Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?' inquires the Irishman.

'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger.

'Fook me', says the Irishman, 'BMW thinks of everything.'

[fixer982]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
And cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12
cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem upset in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[fixer982]

> A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
> behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
>
>
> The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
> the ostrich, "What's yours?"
>
>
>
> "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
>
>
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order
> "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his
> pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
>
>
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the
> man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
>
>
>
> The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
>
>
>
> Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
> change.
>
>
>
> This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The
> usual?" asks the waitress.
>
>
>
> "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
> potato and a salad," says the man.
>
>
>
> "Same," says the ostrich.
>
>
>
> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will
> be $32.62."
>
>
>
> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
> and places it on the table.
>
>
>
> The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
> "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with
> the exact change in your pocket every time?"
>
>
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the
> attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie
> appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was
> that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my
> hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
> be there."
>
>
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
> ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
> be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
>
>
>
> "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
> Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
>
>
>
> The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
>
>
>
> The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for
> a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with
> everything I say."
>
>

[fixer982]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tom's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[snicko]

SENIORS TEXTING CODE:...

ATD... At The Doctors.

BFF...Best Friend Fell.

BTW...Bring the Wheelchair.

BYOT...Bring Your Own Teeth.

FWIW...Forgot Where I Was.

CGPBL...Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.

GHA...Got Heartburn Again.

IMHO...Is My Hearing-Aid On.

LMDO...Laughing My Dentures Out.

OMMR...On My Massage Recliner.

OMSG...Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFLACGU...Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up.

TTYL...Talk to You Louder.

[gec]

Wind in the Willows it aint

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofn8-3SWd8M

[Bob]

SENIORS TEXTING CODE:...

ATD... At The Doctors.

BFF...Best Friend Fell.

BTW...Bring the Wheelchair.

BYOT...Bring Your Own Teeth.

FWIW...Forgot Where I Was.

CGPBL...Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.

GHA...Got Heartburn Again.

IMHO...Is My Hearing-Aid On.

LMDO...Laughing My Dentures Out.

OMMR...On My Massage Recliner.

OMSG...Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFLACGU...Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up.

TTYL...Talk to You Louder.

I resemble that RAFLMAO. But at least I have got to old age

[snicko]

Wind in the Willows it aint

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofn8-3SWd8M

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

[timbar]

Wind in the Willows it aint

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofn8-3SWd8M

Classic hahahahahahahaha

[fixer982]

Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.?
'What's wrong?' asked the mother.
'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'? Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[fixer982]

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with t1ts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

[Bob]

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

[Bob]

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!

[AB]

Planking.....Everyones doing it!

4963

[fixer982]

CHEAP SUITS


Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy looked in
one
of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read,
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".


Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole
lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when
we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking ‘cause if they hear
our accents, they might think we’re thicko’s from Ireland and try to screw
us.. I'll put on my best English accent.”

“Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business” said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice,
"Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each,
100 shirts at £2..00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at
£2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load ‘em on, so I
will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"


The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

[gec]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?







'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[Archie]

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly
icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their
honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked
into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an
email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and
friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw
the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as
mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

[Archie]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'.

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
Refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.

[Clunk]

Skinny little Paddy goes into a lift, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees little Paddy staring at him. He looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 35 stone, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown'.

Paddy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you"?

In a weak voice Paddy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big man says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 35 stone, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown'.

"Turner Brown?... Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, Turn around"!

[Clunk]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is a sleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all; it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"

[Clunk]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary



Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.



I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack
wasn’t what they had in mind.



After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.



Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”



My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak



Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.



Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person
does that to someone’s Advent calendar…



I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.



After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.



A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”



Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.



2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

[Clunk]

BUNNING'S SCAM - be careful!!**

A warning for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at Bunnings Hardware.

Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam.

Simply going out to get some bits and bobs has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and window cleaner, almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look!

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another shopping centre.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start copulating with each other.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs does what you were dreaming of for you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 11th, 12th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Please pass this message on to all you know to warn them about this scam.

[Bob]

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

[Bob]

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar.
Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.
How 'bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same
high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

[fixer982]

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?' The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do
it? 'The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta
keepthe old motor running..'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:

'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

[fixer982]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

[fixer982]

Paddy goes to the vet carrying his goldfish in a bowl.
He tells the vet "I think my goldfish has epilepsy!"
The vet looks at the goldfish and says "he seems perfectly fine to me."
"Oh no", says Paddy "you haven't taken him out of the bowl yet".

[fixer982]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

[Silver]

Blues supporter walks into a bar with a monster cane toad on his head.

Barman says 'How did you get that?'

'Dunno, started off as a wart on my butt and just grew, aye' replied the toad.

[fixer982]

A couple made a deal that who ever would die first would come bad and inform the other of the afterlife.

They're biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact,

"Mary, Mary."

"Is that you Fred" ?

"Yes I've come back like we agreed"

"What's it like" ?

"Well I get up in the morning and I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex.
I bathe in the sun, I have sex twice, I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper golf course again, then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again".

"Oh Fred you must surely be in heaven" !

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Mildura"

[fixer982]

New Sex Study..

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.


The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

[fixer982]

During a recent company IT audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyMelbourn e"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.

[fixer982]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some a**hole's got my pen!'

[Bob]

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

[Bob]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

[gec]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason
they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last
300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and
"The barbie is cancelled."

So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[Bob]

One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, "Who's the king of this jungle?" The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, "Wh..wh...why you are Mr. Lion."
A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, "Who's the baddest dude in this jungle?"
The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, "You're the baddest, King Lion."
This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80-year-old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, "Who's the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?"
With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion's belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush.
As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get an attitude!"

[Bob]

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."

[Bob]

Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He's alright now!

[nowoolies]

a little auzzie humourhttp://i1085.photobucket.com/albums/j424/nowoolies/th_PubDrive.jpg (http://s1085.photobucket.com/albums/j424/nowoolies/?action=view&current=PubDrive.mp4)

[Bob]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

[Bob]

A couple of hunters are out in the bush when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[johanp]

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor decides to scan his brain.
With the results in hand the doctor says to the patient.
A brain consists of a left and a right side.
In your left side there is nothing right and in your right side there is nothing left.

[patch697]

A couple of hunters are out in the bush when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dg3lt0XW-7o&feature=player_detailpage


Hay Bob I new I'd seen the clip to this so I hope you enjoy it ... LMFAO

[NissanGQ4.2]

If you have gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing.

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked .

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

" So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle and giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ..I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . .. its. . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!!!!

[Bob]

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Then the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"

[Bob]

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."

[Bob]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?



TIHS FRUOM RKCOS