The Joke Thread

[fixer982]

This guy walks into a quiet bar, carrying three ducks – one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the man chat for about half an hour before the guy with the ducks has to go to the toilet. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence and so the bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?' he asks the first duck.

"Huey," replies the first duck.

"How’s your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh. That's nice," says the bartender.

The bartender then turns to the second duck and says:

"Hi. And what's your name?".

"Dewey," came the reply.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?"

"Just wonderful. Fantastic day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I could have another day just like today, I would do the same again."

The bartender turns to the third duck and says:

"So, you must be Louie."

"No," growls the third duck. "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

[Bob]

The first day of a Marine training course the Sargent Major addresses the Recruits outlining all of their Training and expectations expected of them.

He says that the most important thing to remember is that no matter what happens nothing hurts because "YOU ARE A MARINE" and they are to remember that.

After 6 months of Grueling Training they are on their last Morning assembly which they have to attend in the nude and it has been snowing all night.

They are standing to attention in lines and the Sargent Major walks up to the first Marine and kicks him as hard as he can in the shins.

The Sargent Major asks the Marine "Did that hurt ??" and the Marine replys "No Sir" and why not asks the Sargent Major ?? Because I am a Marine Sir

The Sargent Major walks down the length of the front line and abuses each Marine in various ways and after being asked whether it hurt they all replied as above.

The Sargent Major comes to the last Marine and there an appendage of the Soldier standing out rather stiffly.

The Sargent Major raises his Baton above his Head and brings it down as hard as he can on the said appendage.

Did that Hurt he asked the Marine and the Marine replied "NO SIR" and why not asked the Sargent Major.

Because it belongs to the Marine behind me Sir

[fixer982]

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his butt. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other.
The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No s**t."

[fixer982]

YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...

1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.

4.. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it

10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee

11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. :

12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14.. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list ~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.

[Bob]

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[nowoolies]

Larry Is In The Hospital . . . ..


Who in the hell is Larry?


Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"


"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"


"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.


"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"


"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."


Larry is in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233

[fixer982]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb

[fixer982]

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your Dad

[Bob]

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators." Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

[Bob]

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

[chester]

Heard a few line's while working as a bouncer at the local nightclub
The best two i can remember,


A bloke said a nice looking young lady one night "hi would you like to dance" she replies "get F**ked i would'nt dance with you ever" to which he replied "im sorry you must have misheard me i said you looked FAT in those pants" as he walked away very pleased with himself.

A bloke one night had huge sideburns and a girl said to him "nice sideburns ya Wanker" to which he replies "yer well at least i can shave them off pity about your face".

[patch697]

This is a true story.


DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.'

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'

(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
Give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest..'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?





Sarah: 'Up the a*se.....'


They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.


Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

[nowoolies]

One day a man decided to retire...





He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.










He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.







After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.











In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides

and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum

of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into

ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.



So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.











While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"





Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into

something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor

made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"



When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing

but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

"We've both been out here for many months.

You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,



"You've built a Golf Course?"

[Bob]

What Is Politics?


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"

Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parent's room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to to his father " I think I understand Politics now."

The father replies, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is."

The boy promptly answers, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble."

[DX grunt]

Posted on a facebook page.

Telling the cop that you thought the voice in your GPS counted as a designated driver doesn't help your case.... hahahahahaha.

[fixer982]

A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Blue from Brisbane to Melbourne. The son (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'
The boy admitted that this was the case.
'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Virgin Blue always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you.

[fixer982]

Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:

Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?

Finally, the riddle is solved. A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.

When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn.

Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:

aisle, altar, and hymn.

She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions:

aisle, altar, hymn. . . . . .

aisle, altar, hymn. . .

aisle, altar, hymn.

And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself...

'I'll alter him!

[fixer982]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.


Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."


"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,you are too kind."


"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it, you'll really love my place."
"The grass is almost a foot high"

[fixer982]

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.
At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.

But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it;
even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed.

It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me 6 months ago"

[fixer982]

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten during the previous week. The lady says "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

[fixer982]

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly coloured frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marvelled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

[fixer982]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and consequently had a quadruple heart bypass surgery. He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began to ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for all the treatment he has had.
The nun asked "Do you have health insurance? "
The patient replied in a raspy voice "No health insurance".
Then the nun asked "Do you have money in the bank? "
The patient replied "No money in the bank ".
Somewhat impatient the then nun asked "Do you have a relative who would be willing to help you settle the account for your treatment ? "
The patient said "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun".
The nun became agitated and announced loudly "Nuns are not spinsters ! Nuns are married to God."
The patient retorted "Then send the bill to my brother in law.'"

[fixer982]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile..
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[fixer982]

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police Force .


The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six terrorists, and a rabbit.”
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[fixer982]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demands, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

And God’s answer…….


I did’nt bl00dy recognise you… did I????

[fixer982]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the taxi-driver says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank .'


Passenger: 'Who?'

Taxi-driver: ' Frank Feldman . He's a bloke who did everything right allthe time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Taxi-driver: 'Not Frank Feldman . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could play golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing fella.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Taxi-driver: 'There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I can't change a fuse but, if I try to, the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman , he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some amazing man then.'

Taxi-driver: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman .'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Taxi-driver: 'Well, I never actually met Frank , he died.. I married his f****ing wife.

[fixer982]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, Fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her Knees, leans forward and whispers ...
" I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk."

[fixer982]

One evening, a family bring their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK but, after a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK but, after another short while, she begins to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later that day, her family arrives to see how she is adjusting to her new home.

"So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[fixer982]

The Golden Phone
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call".

[fixer982]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Footscray and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Bulldogs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Bulldogs fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Lions fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Lions fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Brisbane , and my mum is a Lions fan and my dad is a Lions fan, so I'm a Lions fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Lions fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

[fixer982]

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting twice his pay.
The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls it over his head and says, ..."Yep, diesel fitter."

[fixer982]

The new Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.


Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.".


"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."


So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two

million quid.


The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"


"Two million quid" replied the Pope.


"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper...

"They must have seen you coming................"

[nowoolies]

Teacher:


Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?



Little Johnny answered:



Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

[Bob]

There is only ONE WAY

[nowoolies]

There is only ONE WAY

where the blazes is this Bob

[fixer982]

Diary of a Perth Summer

August 31st:
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Perth!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th:
The temperature hasn’t been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the
AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:
It’s 35 degrees. Finally got the ol’ air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.

November 8th: If another wise arse cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car’s radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can’t live in this heat.

November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner’s gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Perth.

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f**king kidding me!!

[fixer982]

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 40km/h. He thinks, “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder.” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.


Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back.


The driver, confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”


“Madam,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”


“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Fourty kilometres in an hour,” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “40″ was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.


“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.


“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 195.”

[Woof]

Hi all, just noticed that some of our jokes here are borderline, please remember that this is a family forum and any jokes that are deemed a bit over the top will be removed without notification.
No being a spoiled sport, just doing my job.........thanks everyone.:smiley_thumbs_up:

[fixer982]

Hi all, just noticed that some of our jokes here are borderline, please remember that this is a family forum and any jokes that are deemed a bit over the top will be removed without notification.
No being a spoiled sport, just doing my job.........thanks everyone.:smiley_thumbs_up:Is that one of mine you're referring to? I thought I had been pretty careful. Don't bite me, please, Dogman.

[Woof]

Is that one of mine you're referring to? I thought I had been pretty careful. Don't bite me, please, Dogman.

Just making everyone aware of the rules mate that's all................I will not say who's jokes have been borderline, but I will be watching and they will be disappearing if I or any of the other moderators feel that they are not suitable for our forum.
When I say "our" forum I mean everyone who is a member here.

OK time to get back to sharpening my teeth....lol

[Bob]

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

[Bob]

Circle Of Life


At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

[Bob]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, saw it was a little low,
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded,
and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.'

[Bob]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

[mcjah]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

[fixer982]

A married bloke was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all arvo.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The bloke hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying ba5tard! You've been playing golf!"

[fixer982]

A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"

[fixer982]

A man and his wife are having a baby. The time when the baby is due to arrive finally comes and the husband grabs his video camera and takes his wife to the hospital. When he get there the nurse start to do thier stuff. The man asks the nurses if there is anything he can do to help. The nurse relpies no please wait outside. After five minutes the man asks the same question and gets the same reply. this carrys on untill the baby is born and he asks the question again. This time the nurse replys if you want you can wash the baby. The new dad is thrilled at this suggestion and goes off to wash the baby. After a while the nurse returns to check on the dad. When she arrives she sees him with his finger in the baby nostrils moving the baby around like a boat. The nurse say that is not how you wash a baby. The dad replies: 'It is when the water is too hot!!'

[growler2058]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It's not the same hat!"
or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea,
as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day,
the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up..... where's the bloody ship?

[Woof]

Good one Growler, made my day mate.:thumbup:

[Bob]

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

[fixer982]

A man wandered into a bar one day. He had the world around his neck, and he was looking to crawl into a whisky bottle and stay there. After a couple of doubles, he slowed down a little, and looked up. He had half heard the piano playing, but had not realised who was playing it...

There, on a table, was a tiny piano, with a tiny piano player to match; no more than a foot tall. Forgetting his own problems, he wandered over and stood spellbound until the music stopped. Then, shaking his head in disbelief, he returned to the bar and called the barman

"Hey, where did you get that piano player?" he asked, and got back a poisoned glare.

"Aw, c'mon, there has to be a story here.."

"There is," says the barman "and I'm sick of telling it. I was down on the beach one day, and I shuffled into the sand to get more comfortable. Place was full of rubbish and I turned up this old brass lamp. I rubbed it, thinking there might be a date or inscription or something. Anyway, out comes this cloud of smoke and a Genie appears... you know, turban, scimitar ... the whole works. And he tells me I've got just one wish."

"Well? what did you wish for?"

"I'll tell you this," snarled the barman " I did not wish for a 12 inch pianist"

[Bob]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.

The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.

"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

[Bob]

Fancy trying to sort out the insurance claims

[Bob]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field.

The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.

A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."

[nowoolies]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

[Bob]

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friends act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank., "You know hes only going to use it on drugs or booze."

Matt replies, "And we werent?"

[nowoolies]

oh so true
i nearly fell off my chair hahahahahahahaaha

[Bob]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[nowoolies]

I send this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.

An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

[Bob]

A firefighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck" the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says. The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dogs collar and to the cats testicles. "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cats collar, I think you would go faster."The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right,but......then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Bob]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?"

[Bob]

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[Bob]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[Bob]

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".
I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"
"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.
"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

[timbar]

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded." The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're both wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on... there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, plus, the head and the a55 are interchangeable.

[Bob]

4 men went golfing one day. Three headed to the first tee while the other went to the clUbhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new mercedes, fully loaded." The third man not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and is so successful that he gave a friend an entire portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking caring of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons.How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well my son is gay and and dances in a gay bar." The others grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a stock portfolio and
a brand new mercedes."

[nowoolies]

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he flips the meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off,' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[snicko]

So very true.............

[katwoman]

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he flips the meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off,' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

No 'thanks' from me...pml

[Bob]

Every day of their vacation, these two guys rented a boat and fished. One day they caught thirty fish.

Joe said, "Moe, mark this spot so that we can come back here tomorrow!"

The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, Joe asked, "Moe, did you mark that spot?"

Moe replied, "Yep. I painted a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat!" Joe growled.

"You old fool! What if we don't get the same boat today?"

[nowoolies]

No 'thanks' from me...pml

see just no pleaseing some people hahahahahahaah

[Bob]

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[nowoolies]

The History of the Internet



In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham , her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates ' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham , what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua , being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).


That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

[YNOT]

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box… gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . Bob has been missing since Friday.


Tony

[Bob]

At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."

[Bob]

Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.

[nowoolies]

http://i1085.photobucket.com/albums/j424/nowoolies/mzdQQ1.jpg

[Reece]

the missus came home steaming drunk last night. " you up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really." i replied.
"Oh, come on." she said. "wer can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, i noticed her expression change. she had realised her mistake, however it was too late. where i had previously seen arousal in her eyes, i now only saw blind terror.

as i shouted " THIS ..... IS.. SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

[nowoolies]

ENJOY BEING AN AUSSIE!

Just imagine...

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in QANTAS one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,
you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Aussies get about 41 miles
to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an Aussie!

[nowoolies]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully.
If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
A very angry Teacher: Where the f*ck do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a f*ckin' cat at home!!!

[YNOT]

A Priest walks outside his church see's little Johnny playing with a bottle so he stops and asks Johnny what's in the bottle. "Sulphuric acid" replys Johnny.
"Oh my" says the priest and rushes back inside the church. He walks back over to Johnny and says "how would you like to swap that bottle for my bottle of Holy water?" Little Johnny looks confused and says "what can I do with that?"
The priest smiles ands says "Well the other day I rubbed some of this on a lady's tummy and she passed a beautiful baby boy".
Johnny says "That's nothing, I just poured some of this on a cats bum and it passed a Mercedes!"

Tony

[Mad4Mud]

Overheard conversation between two elderly ladies sitting at a poker machine:
First lady asks, "Ethel, did you come on the new bus service that stops right out the front?", to which Ethel replies, "certainly did, lovey, but i made it look like an asthma attack".

[Mad4Mud]

Lady goes to see her doctor and tells him, "Doc, the strangest thing's been happening lately. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm".
The Doctor, eye brows now raised, asks her, "have you been taking anything for it?"
"F#*kin' oath. Pepper!"

[nowoolies]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house”. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.





Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said....



"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

[nowoolies]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.



When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month mark of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails, Ed was waiting for the salad, and said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.. So, before I get out a box from my jacket and ask you possibly a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.

I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball!"

[nowoolies]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?



The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.


The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.


The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.


The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.



The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked.

He asks "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.

It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.





.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.




DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !
....but I bet you send it on!

[nowoolies]

Global Facts About Sex











At Any Given Moment:




FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!



FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.



FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.



FACT:
1 elderly person is reading emails.





You hang in there, Sunshine ..........

[growler2058]

HA mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach. And the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."AHAHAHHAHAAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHA HAH

[nowoolies]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'


MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

[nowoolies]

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing an Alannah Hill outfit. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Clare arrives shortly afterward, in Sass & Bide. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine.
Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old T-shirt, jeans and boots. She, too, shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving Lauriston and graduating from Melbourne Uni Arts, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has two beautiful daughters. Timothy is a partner at Mallesons.
They live in a large house in Toorak, where Charlotte and Emma, their daughters also have their tennis lessons.
They have a holiday house in Portsea and regularly ski in Canada ..

Clare relates that she graduated from Monash Medicine and became an orthopaedic surgeon.
Her husband, Edward, is a high profile Macquarie investment banker.
They live in a Brighton beachfront mansion and have a holiday flat in Little Cove, Noosa.

Samantha explains she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben.
They run a tropical bird park in the Byron Bay hinterland and grow their own vegetables.
Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

Half way down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel, filled with guilt, blurts out her husband is actually a bank teller at Commonwealth Bank.
They live in a small house in Mitcham and have a caravan for their holidays at Tootgarook.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Edward are both nurses' aides in a retirement home.
They live in Rosanna and take holiday camping trips to Torquay.

Samantha feels she too must be honest and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[nowoolies]

Friendly Advice

Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the RTA and the Department of Health indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by arseholes who just drink tea,
coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurt, and sh*t like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.
They cause three times as many accidents !!!!.

This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.

[nowoolies]

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning.
The reason for this odd behaviour is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory. It works like this:

It is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move.
After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture.
According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub..
A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes:" Why is it so quiet?? OMG!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course,
is Time Dilation!!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except Fellow time travellers) have been able or willing to understand the sound Scientific basis of this phenomenon.

Please forward this to all your known time travellers - maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.

[katwoman]

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned Sixty -Two).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,..
'Then, why do you even give a sh!t?'

[nowoolies]

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned Sixty -Two).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,..
'Then, why do you even give a sh!t?'

i thought you were going to keep your age a secret Kat hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaah...roflmfao

[the ferret]

ha, I used ta do it all night once, now it takes me all night ta do it once!!

[nowoolies]

ha, I used ta do it all night once, now it takes me all night ta do it once!!

do what ?????? where when ...bugga cant remember hahahahahah

[patch697]

ha, I used ta do it all night once, now it takes me all night ta do it once!!

hahahahahahahahahahaha................. Thats a keeper.

[patch697]

Primary school teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn’t you raise...... your............ hand?"
"Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Essendon fan, and proud of it," Mary replied, and Geelong will win the Grand Final Tommorow
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Essendon fan?"
"My mum and dad were born and raised in Essendon, so my mum is a Essendon fan and my dad is a Essendon fan, and so I'm a Essendon fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Essendon fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan.....

[katwoman]

Primary school teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn’t you raise...... your............ hand?"
"Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Essendon fan, and proud of it," Mary replied, and Geelong will win the Grand Final Tommorow
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Essendon fan?"
"My mum and dad were born and raised in Essendon, so my mum is a Essendon fan and my dad is a Essendon fan, and so I'm a Essendon fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Essendon fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan.....

LMFAO...... Bel's gonna love that one !!!

[nowoolies]

===8<==============Original message text===============
Texting for Seniors


Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.


Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.


ATD


At The Doctor's


BFF


Best Friend Fainted


BTW


Bring The Wheelchair


BYOT


Bring Your Own Teeth


CBM


Covered By Medicare


CGU


Can't get up


CUATSC


See You At The Senior Center


DWI


Driving While Incontinent


FWB


Friend With Beta Blockers


FWIW


Forgot Where I Was


FYI


Found Your Insulin


GGPBL


Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!


GHA


Got Heartburn Again


HGBM


Had Good Bowel Movement


IMHO


Is My Hearing-Aid On?


LMDO


Laughing My Dentures Out


LOL


Living On Lipitor

[nowoolies]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life . For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

[nowoolies]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"


Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page onthe Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...



Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.



Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."



"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.


He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.



Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"



The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"



"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.


"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.


Now give me back my dog.

[belzi82]

a few Visual Jokes

[belzi82]

This one is so true!!

[nowoolies]

my darling wife has finally told me the true meaning of the word ...............b!tch !!!!!

being in total control of him
i dont find that funny after all these years hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahah
no wonder she agrees with me when i call her that ....roflmfao

[nowoolies]

There are just some e-mails you simply can't send to everybody.....

What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND works best when it is jerked?















A Seatbelt you pervert!
Buckle up!

[growler2058]

The Glasgow Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.


"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...

1.
Death

2.
Taxes

3.
Being screwed by a lawyer

[nowoolies]

I never knew this.

Penguins



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is
deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:



"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool some people.
I am sorry, the devil made me do it!!!
I fell for it too.

[Clunk]

my wife was rushed to the hospital unexpectedly, and asked me to bring her some items from home including "comfortable underwear".
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "But how will I know which ones are comfortable?"
She answered, "Hold them up and imagine me in them. If you smile, put 'em back!"

[Clunk]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he

shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ....






Wait for it ... ......









It's coming ..... .....

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?












She said ... ....:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[Clunk]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ..
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

[Clunk]

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire what steps would you take?"
'EFFIN big ones' was apparently the wrong answer!

[Clunk]

He said: "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said: "You wear pants, don't you?"


I sat my son down, opened my laptop, and said, "Son, it's time we had a talk about pornography."
He looked worried.
"What about?", he asked.
"How do I get past these filters without your mom knowing?", I asked.


Thought i saw your name on the side of a bread truck this morning, but when i looked again i realised it actually said 'Thick Cut'........


If your lover is overweight, then get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening. By the end of the week the fat bastard should be 42miles away.....

[Clunk]

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead". Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The officer gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

[Clunk]

Just saw a sign that made me sh1t myself...



Toilets Closed......

[Clunk]

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that.



A little boy got on the bus,
sat next to a man who was reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked the man,
"Why do you wear your collar backwards?"
The man, who was a priest, said,
"I am a Father."
The little boy replied,
"My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered,
''I am the Father of many."
The boy said,
''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren,
and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said.
"I am the Father of hundreds."
and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for awhile, and then said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom and
put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

[Clunk]

After being married for twelve years, my wife asked me to describe her.
I looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
I said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely. .... What about I, J, K?"
I said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
My left eye is still swollen....but the doctor has informed me that I will be able to see things much clearer in the future.

[Clunk]

I staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks me, "What happened!!"
"Well, it was like this,"I said. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ...... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake,"
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[Clunk]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

[Clunk]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asked.
"Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there," he suggested.
"But what about the smell?" she asked.
"Just hold its nose."
...the man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[Clunk]

http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/309540_172811296140986_118858758202907_339267_2487 53442_n.jpg

[Clunk]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick
It's great though. It provides me with everything i need -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.

[Clunk]

http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/308224_227995983932001_100001648029181_639438_1239 238317_n.jpg

[patch697]

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". The definition reads: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheques

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, please notify...' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt…….plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom…. "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

[patch697]

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Clunk]

The newly married couple was on the topic of children.
The bride wanted three, while the husband said two was enough.
They discussed it for a long time until the husband decided to put an end to things.
"It's simple," he said with finality. "After our second child, I'll have a vasectomy."
Without hesitation, his bride replied, "Then I hope you'll love our third child as if it were your own!"

[Clunk]

A young lad examined his testicles while taking a bath, "mum", he asked, "are these my brains", Not Yet she replied............

[Clunk]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity
so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... and it was a long, sensual, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Silver]

belated kid friendly Halloween/Guising joke -yeah yeah, I'm an Aussie but our 6 yr old has been infected by the teen age neighbours

On which day to Halloween Monsters prefer to chew their lollies?

Chewsday.

Worth the wait, eh! :-)

[madmaxtechnology]

A recent survey found that one in every three women are just as stupid as the other bloody two !!



**please note that I'm a woman posting this joke by the way......so I'm just as stupid haha ;-)

[nowoolies]

http://i1085.photobucket.com/albums/j424/nowoolies/untitled-1.jpg

[Clunk]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honor of this holy season," said St. Peter, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
St. Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
"These are Carols," the man replied

[Clunk]

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?
Because it said concentrate.

[patch697]

Q, What do Blonds call brown hair coloring.

??????????????????????

A, artificial Intelligence

[nowoolies]

While creating women, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.


And then He made the earth round.

[growler2058]

While creating women, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.


And then He made the earth round.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHa Deep breath HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAA AAAAAH

[chester]

Old jack has been sick,so he goes and talk's to his priest.

The priest say's to jack,i know you have had a hard and fast life,with your drinking and gambling,how are you with god have you mended the wrongs with him?

Old jack say's "me and god are like two peas in a pod", infact said jack every night when i get up to have a pee i open the door and the light comes on,i close the door and the light turns off.
God does that for me so i don't hurt myself.

A bit worried about his state of mind, the priest rings jack's wife and tells her the story.
After he has finished telling her,jack's wife say's "oh my lord he's been peeing in the fridge again".

[patch697]

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says:"Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

[patch697]

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

[patch697]

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

[patch697]

Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

[Clunk]

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt

[Clunk]

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

[nowoolies]

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt

you gunna get hung for that one if your cook finds out

hows the beer supply going did you say ....again hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[Clunk]

you gunna get hung for that one if your cook finds out

hows the beer supply going did you say ....again hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

tis going nicely ta, got bought a carton the other day for doin a call out at w w w w www

[nowoolies]

tis going nicely ta, got bought a carton the other day for doin a call out at w w w w www

and that dont answer the given question
stop trying to dodge it hahahahahahahahahaha
i have a printer you know and i know how to use it hahahahahahahaha

[patch697]

this is a mush see. One thing you should know before watching this is Orange is a mobile/internet network provider in the UK.

Enjoy.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clips/p00ctlvg/the_one_ronnie_clips_blackberry_sketch/

[Clunk]

this is a mush see. One thing you should know before watching this is Orange is a mobile/internet network provider in the UK.

Enjoy.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clips/p00ctlvg/the_one_ronnie_clips_blackberry_sketch/

fantastic stuff Patch, great find.............. reminds me of the fork handles sketch the 2 Ronnies did

[White Elephant]

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says, "I'll have a beer thanks, and one for the road."

Dry as a bowl of plain rice bubbles, I know, but I love it!

[chester]

middle aged woman puts an add in the paper for some male company.

The add stated that the man, "must not run away", "must not beat her" & "must be good in bed".

The next day the doorbell rings and there sits a man in a wheelchair with no arms & no legs.

The woman says, you have got to be kidding me.

The man Says to her I have no legs so I cant run from you, & I have no arms so I can't beat you.

What about in bed? asked the woman.

The man looks at her and answered, well I rang the doorbell didn't I.

[patch697]

A middle aged woman put's an ad in the paper for some male company.

The ad stated that the man"must not run away,must not beat me and must be good in bed".

The next day the doorbell ring's and there sits a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

The woman say's you have got to be kidding me.

The man Say's to her i have no legs so i cant run from you and i have no arms so i can't beat you.

What about in bed asks the woman,the man look's at her and answer's well i rang the doorbell didn't I.

Brilliant........hahahahahahahahahahaha

[patch697]

Irish maths test



Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.



Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."



"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.





"What's this?" the boss asks.



"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.



"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."



Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere ye go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."



The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor.


sorry there were pics .......but not here

[Clunk]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful young blonde.
Puzzled, the blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pants pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, the man looked at her and said, "It's golf balls".
The blonde nodded, but continued to glance at the front of his trousers. Finally, no longer able to contain her curiosity, she asked him, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[GUtsy ute]

Hahahahaha, bloody ripper clunk!!

[Clunk]

yes I know they're not jokes but amusing none the less............

The following are actual headlines from real newspapers around the planet ... uhm ... with commentary ... more or less. Enjoy!

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really? Nothing gets by these folks!]

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now THAT's taking things a bit far!]

3. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

4.Miners Refuse to Work After Death
[No-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

5. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

6. War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

7. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

8. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought it!]

9. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[Hmm ... They may be on to something!]

[Clunk]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "You old fart, you lied. There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?!"

[Clunk]

A doctor was addressing a large audience.
"Red meat is bad for you," he told the audience.
"Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
"Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
"High fat diets are disastrous.
"No one knows the long-term effect of germs in our drinking water," said the doctor.
"But one food is the most dangerous of all and I bet every one of you has eaten it at least once. Can anyone tell me which food causes the most grief for years after you eat it?"
An old man in the front row raised his hand and softly asked, "Is it wedding cake?"

[YNOT]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
break something, but the boy continues.

'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'


Tony

[YNOT]

Got to love this, what a darn good idea!

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling.

It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London ."

BBRRILLIANT!

[patch697]

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

[DX grunt]

The Joke Thread.

Collingwood, Carlton, Essendon or Geelong winning the 2012 Grand Final.

The 2012 premiership belongs to Western Australia. It's in the bag - already!!!!!!

LMAO, PML, LOL, hahahaha.

[Clunk]

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

[belzi82]

difference between hospital emergency vehicles

[nowoolies]

Aunt Mildred....this is priceless :-))

Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.



Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.



Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.







Later that night.........

Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[nowoolies]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'



One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f*#k's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'

[the ferret]

I don't have a lot of jokes, (well ones that I can post) but.........this one pmotfpml!!
Three old guys in the park.
"How's it goin after the prostate op Fred"?
FRED:" not too bad, I get up in the morn'n about 8, stand there fer about half a minute and away I go.
long pause.
FRED: "Bout you Sam"?
another long pause.
Sam: " Yep, since the op, same, about 7.30, wake up, yawn, go fer a slash, no probs, them doctors know what they're doin eh, how about you Bill, you're over 80, any probs?
BILL: "ah,....... yes and no, 5 oclock every morning without fail, I have a very long slash, followed by a huge crap.
Sam: "but thats great at your age, innit?"
BILL: long pause again, now scroll down.

























"Trouble is, I don't wake up till about 9" lol lol lol

[Clunk]

As Christmas approaches I feel that I should remind all about the festive celebrations we will be attending and perhaps share an experience of mine at the same time

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking & driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities
on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
Well, a couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals, and had a few too many bubbles as
well as several cocktails and some rather nice red; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit,
I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one….

[the ferret]

Mate, That is GOLD!!
Cheers, the ferret.

[2TROLLFAM]

A Trooper is making his regular patrol when he spots a car parked in an out of the way 'Lovers lane'.

When he carefully approaches the car to get a closer look, he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, Officer?"

The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane, and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."

The trooper asks: "'And her, .... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[nowoolies]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day ? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.

[nowoolies]

Sex And Good Grammar





On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.



The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want. The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."



He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.



His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"



And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[patch697]

Press Release: Christmas Downsizing

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1.The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
2.The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
3.The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
4.The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5.The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
6.The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
7.The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
8.As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
9.Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
10.Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
11.Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
12.We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

[patch697]

10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

• 10. Did you get any under the tree?

• 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.

• 8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!

• 7. Santa's sack is really bulging.

• 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clear look.

• 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

• 4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.

• 3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.

• 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

• 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

[patch697]

Just been out and bought the girlfriend's Christmas present: a bottle of perfume which is called 'ample', and it is a very small bottle indeed.
I just hope she doesn't notice where the 'S' has been scratched off the bottle.

[rottodiver]

An angry wife to her husband on the phone: Where the hell are you??



Husband: Darling you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace



and totally fell in love with it….and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day??



Wife, with a smile blushing: Yeah I remember that my Love.



Husband: Well…I'm in the Pub next to that shop!

[rottodiver]

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill


The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,


you have “Yellow 24”, a really nasty virus.


It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually
only have 24 hours to live.


There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments
on earth.’


So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.


Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's
never been there with her before.


They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and
wins £35.


Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320


Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.


Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.


The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,


'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a
line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.


You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'


'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.’


'F%$k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!

[2TROLLFAM]

What do you call a ghosts mistake??
.
.
.
.
.
A Boo Boo!!

[Clunk]

What do you call a ghosts mistake??
.
.
.
.
.
A Boo Boo!!

Oh dear!!!!!!!! lol

[growler2058]

What do you call a ghosts mistake??
.
.
.
.
.
A Boo Boo!!

Mmmmmmmmmm;-)

[rottodiver]

A Christmas message for all you drinkers out there..... (some may have seen this)





I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I’m not sure where I got it from!

[Clunk]

A Christmas message for all you drinkers out there..... (some may have seen this)





I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I’m not sure where I got it from!

Sorry mate beat ya to it, couple of pages back ...... Lol

[rottodiver]

Sorry mate beat ya to it, couple of pages back ...... Lol

oh spew'n.... looks like i am the "JOKE
ok what about this one???

Centrelink Fairy




A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside
the Centrelink Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant
you three wishes, since you've
just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children -- all costs
to be borne by Australian Tax Payers.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't
have good teeth, so I
want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'



The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and PING !!! The
Asylum Seeker had a brand new

shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go!

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight
bedrooms - and a Gold Visa Card

in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who
still live in Sri Lanka. I want to bring
them all over here'

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a
three car garage, a long driveway,

a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full
of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke nowand
said "I want to be Australian

with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl, and I want to have
white skin like the Australians.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a
dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy

terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had
disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?
Where's my Visa Gold Card?'
Where is my BMW?

The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled
to sweet F@#k all, just like the rest of us".

And she disappeared........

[2TROLLFAM]

Oh dear!!!!!!!! lol

LOL what??? It's clean & funny
Plus I heard it on the radio this morning and had to chuckle

[patch697]

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"




When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:



"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

[patch697]

A man walks into his office on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
It reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"

Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"

Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor.

Expecting an apology he opens the e-mail.

It reads, "Want to buy some?"

[Clunk]

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:


"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower.
"Repeat after me: Our Father… Who art in Heaven… "

[Clunk]

Christmas is comin & my arse is gettin fat, I hate effin christmas & Santa is a twat. The credit crunch is on & times are really hard, so u can consider this your effin Christmas card!!!!!!! ' MERRY CHRISTMAS:newyear::drunk::jawdrop::smileyvault-cute-bi:blowup::santa:

[rottodiver]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.


The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...



"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days.

Before I kill you, I grant you three requests

What is your FIRST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."







The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."


"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, ..... alone."


The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,


"READ MY LIPS!!!!"

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...


"BRING POSSE" !!!

[growler2058]

hope the edit worked;-)

[rottodiver]

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.


Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.


Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole


Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet


Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact


Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine


Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor


Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity


Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans


Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub


Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.


And for the Kiwi's amongst us:
Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

[patch697]

A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear. ‘You’ve got two choices,’ says the bear. ‘I maul you, or we have sex.’
The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the p!ssed-off hunter searches out and shoots the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him.
‘Admit it,’ says the bear. ‘You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?’

[patch697]

I phoned a psychic hotline and said "can you tell me where my father is?"

"Sure" replied the lady, "your father is currently fishing off the coast of hawaii.."

"Bullshit!" I replied, "my father has been dead for the last fifteen years you stupid bitch!"

"Correction!" said the lady on the phone, "your mothers husband has been dead for fifteen years. Your father is currently fishing off the coast of hawaii.."

[patch697]

a guy walks into a bar and says can i have a pint of bitter ....while hes waitin hes sees and old man with the head the size of a cueball so being curious he goes over and says dont mean to be rude but why u got a small head.. he said i did it in the war my ship was blown up and i was deserted on a desert island and lived on cocunuts for 3 years when a mermaid swam up to me and granted me 3 wishes ok i want to be back in the uk ...GRANTED i also want to be a millionaire ..GRANTED i would also like sex with you ...im sorry sir but us mermaids cant have sex....ok well how about a little head

[patch697]

My next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line. I nearly sh1t her pants.

[patch697]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[patch697]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked..

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Kill any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked..
"How can you tell them apart?"


He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone

[patch697]

http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/381195_291311110921290_132900613429008_1008119_611 818216_n.jpg

[patch697]

Three men died and stood in front of God.
God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry. ‘What's the matter?’ ‘I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!’

[patch697]

Look people, It's spelled B-E-F-O-R-E, not B4... we speak English, not bingo.

[patch697]

http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/407299_292052020847199_132900613429008_1011193_690 68197_n.jpg

[patch697]

http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/379418_292062847512783_132900613429008_1011255_209 9071246_n.jpg

[Clunk]

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as others see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity: www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder: www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software: www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church: www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? www.gotahoe.com

[patch697]

http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/374339_292663577452710_132900613429008_1012798_111 2457400_n.jpg

[belzi82]

Patch I know your secret of your jokes!!!! hehehhehe

[patch697]

Patch I know your secret of your jokes!!!! hehehhehe

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Naughty-corner/132900613429008

What secret?????

[belzi82]

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Naughty-corner/132900613429008

What secret?????

hahahha I love those jokes!!

[patch697]

hahahha I love those jokes!!

So do I & that why I've been sharing them (the forum appropriate ones of course).

[patch697]

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with
“tor” that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

“ Well my mother has one and she says it eats f&%king batteries like
there's no tomorrow!"

[patch697]

I’m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do

[patch697]

Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.

[patch697]

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”


(Edit: Not the way I mop....hahahahahahah)

[growler2058]

- What do Eskimos get from sitting around in their igloos for too long?

Polaroids!

[growler2058]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 25 Best Reasons to Be a Guy


- You can go to the bathroom without needing a support group for accompaniment.
- You can pee standing up or sitting down, or even while taking a shower - your choice. In fact, the world is your urinal. And, as a bonus, you can pee your name in the snow!

- The toilet always seems to clean itself, and even if it doesn't that does not worry you.

- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

- Even though your tits are basically the same as a girl's, you can whip your shirt off on a hot day and show them anywhere in public without getting arrested. And, as a further bonus, people's eyes don't keep darting to your chest when you’re talking to them.

- You can fart anywhere and as loudly as you like, and you can even get people to pull your finger before doing it.

- You can use the same hairstyle for years, if not for decades.

- Wrinkles and gray hair add character to your face.

- Your old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.

- One wallet, one belt, one pair of shoes; the perfect outfit for every day of the year.

- Three pairs of shoes, total, are plenty for all of your needs.

- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes, and you never have strap problems in public.

- A short vacation only needs a single carry-on suitcase.

- You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

- You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

- You get to enjoy movie nudity which is virtually always female. And most porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

- You know the truth about why you don’t call a woman back after the first date - which is that there was a good football game on TV and the next day and you plain forgot.

- In a relationship you can fix everything with flowers.

- Weddings seem to plan themselves.

- Buying a wedding dress costs $2000, whereas a tuxedo rental costs $75.

- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

- You don’t have to know the names of more than 5 colors.

- You don't need to feel more than three emotions, total, ranging from good to bad.

- You don't need to talk about problems, you just fix them.

- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

[growler2058]

The other day I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my nuts and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard, as he staggered out the door..

Stupid cow ... why else would I buy dog food?

[patch697]

When I was at school my teacher used to say to me "staring out the window will get you no where in life.."

You can imagine the cheeky look on my face as he drove up to the drive through.

[ozzyboy]

I thought my hot new girlfriend might be "The One", but after going through her knicker draw and finding a nurses uniform, a french maids outfit and a policewomans uniform i've dumped her. It's obvious she can't hold down a f@%#!n job..........

[patch697]

to the woman with the 6 screaming kids all under 8yrs old at WalMart, if you're wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart, You're welcome!

[patch697]

BF : Babe ;) What Are You Doing?

GF : Nothing Much !! Really Tired ;') .
Just Going To Sleep Now Honey... And You Sweetheart?

BF : In The Club Standing Behind You

[patch697]

http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/378690_293078614077873_132900613429008_1013809_544 361847_n.jpg

[ozzyboy]

A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his butt!!!. Doctors described his condition as Stable !!!

[patch697]

A concerned husband went to the dqloctor to talk about his wife. He said to the doctor, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.

He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replied, "For the fourth Effing' time, vegetable stew!"

[patch697]

'What it really means' :



‘I'm going fishing.’ Really means... ‘I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.’

‘I missed you.’ Really means.... ‘I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.’

‘Uh huh,’ ‘Sure, honey,’ or ‘Yes, dear.’ Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

‘I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind.’ Really means.... ‘I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.’

‘Have you lost weight?’ Really means.... ‘I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.’

‘Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.’ Really means.... ‘I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.’

‘What did I do this time?’ Really means.... ‘What did you catch me at?’

‘Let's take your car.’ Really means.... ‘Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.’

[patch697]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. ‘Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!’ The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’ The boy turns, and whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’

[patch697]

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, ‘Do you have Viagra?’ ‘Yes,’ he answered.
She asked, ‘Does it work?’ ‘Yes,’ he answered.
‘Can you get it over the counter?’ she asked. ‘I can if I take two,’ he answered.

[patch697]

This one is truly priceless.............

http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/399868_293939660658435_132900613429008_1016712_133 325347_n.jpg

[ozzyboy]

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half,
placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were
just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping
the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to
eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

"THE TEETH."

[ozzyboy]

NEW DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED:

Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.

Rum and ice will ruin your liver.
...
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.

Gin and ice will ruin your brain.

Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth...

There u have it! ICE is flipping lethal.

Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice, just drink it straight!!

Forward this immediately. You could save a life!!...

And don't forget what that damn stuff did to the Titanic!!

[patch697]

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife, a redhead, picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.

"Damn, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex," she replies.

A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.

"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"

The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference."

[lenkeit1234]

the kids love the crunchbird (they want one)

[ozzyboy]

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules' From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

1.. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.

If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday + GOOD WEATHER = Sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done. Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1.. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as CARS OR BOOBS

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[patch697]

The word they were given was Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone
and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

[patch697]

A guy meets a girl at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night.

Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They got back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.

There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

They clear off the bed and go at it.

Later, after the sex, he turns to her and asks..."well, how was I?"

She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

[patch697]

Just something to get you in the right frame of mind for the 2012 meet... By the sounds of what Growlers has planned its gunna be interesting.


The Chili Cook-Off
***************

In Texas they have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
**( Frank is Judge #3 )**

-------------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
-------------------------------------------------------

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

-------------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
-------------------------------------------------------

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

-------------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
-------------------------------------------------------

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

-------------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
-------------------------------------------------------

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

-------------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
-------------------------------------------------------

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

-------------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
-------------------------------------------------------

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

-------------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
-------------------------------------------------------

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.**

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

-------------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
-------------------------------------------------------

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

[growler2058]

Very good Pauly patch got a full on belly laugh reading this! hopefully there will be some game enough to try my sauce! Reckon I'll call it growlers ring 'O' fire hahahaha

[patch697]

Christmas Cookie Recipe

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one
cup of butter in a large bowl until fluffy
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the
Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...
just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2
leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, Pick the
frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the
turner. If the fried druit gets stuck
in the beaterers just pry it loose with
a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to
check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or
something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon
juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or
somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Finally, throw
the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the
dishwasher.

[patch697]

http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/377863_294524470599954_132900613429008_1018124_162 0603913_n.jpg

[patch697]

A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know....,
I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of
your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your
job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

[patch697]

I saw a real ugly stripper once. She said,"So what do you want me to take off next?"

I said, "My glasses?"

[patch697]

I told my wife I want a dog for christmas.. she said you'll have turkey like the rest of us

[growler2058]

HahahahahhahHahhaHa very good Pauly

[patch697]

hahahahahahaha............. Love it

http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/391946_295965377122530_132900613429008_1023201_521 975945_n.jpg

[patch697]

I like this..... Its very clever

http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/407682_165581256877119_110453622389883_201795_2820 00202_n.jpg

[patch697]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins totalk. Everyone else in the room stopsto listen.

Man: "Hello?"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "I think its 68,000 pounds."

Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is 1.25 million."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."

Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"

Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

[belzi82]

okay - Christmas cracker time!!!

What do you call a crate of ducks??? A box of quackers
What do you call a man with a spade on his head??? Doug
What's furry and minty? A polo Bear
What animals need oiling? Mice, because they squeak

[patch697]

okay - Christmas cracker time!!!

What do you call a crate of ducks??? A box of quackers
What do you call a man with a spade on his head??? Doug
What's furry and minty? A polo Bear
What animals need oiling? Mice, because they squeak

Considering you like Naughty Corner, thats shameful...............hahahahahahaha

[patch697]

A recent study shows that 90% of women don't like men in pink shirts.

Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.

[patch697]

My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn't slutty, but I saw right through it.

[Bushpig]

After landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings”
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[patch697]

Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, ‘Mommie how old are you?’ To which her mother responded, ‘Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman.’
Susie then replied, ‘Well, how much do you weigh?’ Once again her mother said, ‘Susie that is another question you never ask a woman.’
Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. ‘Why so sad?’ Anna asked. Susie replied, ‘I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me.’
Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers.
Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, ‘I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old.’ She continued with, ‘And I know you weigh 135 pounds.’ Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight. Finally Susie exclaimed, ‘And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.’
Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, ‘How do you know this?’ Susie waved the license in the air, and replied: ‘It says right here you got an ‘F’ in sex!!’