The Joke Thread

[patch697]

A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her more beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said "I found your note asking for 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said "I really want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my face".

[the ferret]

Hello Mary, long time no see, how's the family? Is your husband still eating those cans of cat food?
" nah he's not with us anymore, he died last week"
Gee Mary, that is so sad, what killed him, I told you the cat food would poison him!
" Nah, he was up on the roof about midnight, stuck one leg up in the air ta lick himself and fell over backwards, fell off the roof and landed on the driveway".
Cheers, the ferret.

[the ferret]

Hello Mary, hows your new husband, still mad about dog food instead of your cooking?
"nup, he's dead too"
Far out, what was the cause, I knew that dog food would make him crook but I didn't think it would kill him.
"Nup, got run over chasing cars"

[the ferret]

About midnight, the Mrs goes off ta bed leaving the old man fast asleep in the chair.
1 am the son comes home, spots the old man and decides to have a bit of fun, goes and grabs a frozen turkey neck from the freezer and slips it into the old man's zipper and goes to bed.
Missus wakes up about 2 and goes to check on the old man and there's the CAT, chewing away on the turkey neck!!
Cheers, the ferret.

[the ferret]

Well that's about it for the clean ones, hope you all have a great evening with family and friends and that if you're driving, please don't drink too much, I would like to see ALL of you back here next year.
Thankyou for your friendship and your custom over the past year, play hard, stay safe, tidy up the trol and have a great 2012.
Rod, the ferret.

[AB]

Well that's about it for the clean ones, hope you all have a great evening with family and friends and that if you're driving, please don't drink too much, I would like to see ALL of you back here next year.
Thankyou for your friendship and your custom over the past year, play hard, stay safe, tidy up the trol and have a great 2012.
Rod, the ferret.

Good work Rod, have a great night mate!

[Mr Toad]

I wonder how good the catering was at Kim Jong il's funeral? I bet it was the dogs bollocks! Kidding aside they eat dog here in the Philippines! but I had turkey for my Christmas lunch

[the ferret]

I wonder how good the catering was at Kim Jong il's funeral? I bet it was the dogs bollocks! Kidding aside they eat dog here in the Philippines! but I had turkey for my Christmas lunch
Oh yeah, how do you know it WAS turkey? lol.

[Mr Toad]

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for New Year, it's very nice...

But i think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".

[Mr Toad]

It did not taste like dog

[the ferret]

It did not taste like dog

Ha ha, that means nothing.
What they sometimes do is cook lots of turkey, then cook the dog in the turkey oil, that way it tastes like turkey, smells like turkey,
and looks like turkey.
Do you ever have the urge to chase cars or lift your leg near a tree??
Cheers, the ferret.

[growler2058]

Ha ha, that means nothing.
What they sometimes do is cook lots of turkey, then cook the dog in the turkey oil, that way it tastes like turkey, smells like turkey,
and looks like turkey.
Do you ever have the urge to chase cars or lift your leg near a tree??
Cheers, the ferret.

I do hahahahahahahahaa

[rottodiver]

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."


"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[Pete's GU3]

A man says to his wife

" If i win tattslotto and give you half the money , will you leave me "?

She thinks about it for 2 seconds and says " yes i will "

" Good , here's $ 7.50 , now piss off !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[belzi82]

My mate won an xBox 360 in a work's raffle today.I offered to buy it off him for half
price,to which he happily agreed & passed it over to me."Can I have my money then?" he said."What money?" I laughed."Well you said you'd buy it off me for half price" "Yeah,you paid nothing.Half of nothing is nothing.Cheers."

[belzi82]

A blonde woman named Britney finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial straits.
She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... ‘God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.’
Lotto night comes and she does not win.
Britney again prays... ‘God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and now I’m going to lose my car.’
Lotto night comes and Britney still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... ‘Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.’
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Britney is confronted by the voice of God himself... ‘Britney, work with me on this. Buy a ticket.’

[Smile]

Why is 6 afraid of 7 ?

Because 7 8 9

:)

[belzi82]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

[belzi82]

here is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Jessica is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Jessica surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Jessica .
‘I'm sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’

[patch697]

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN SCREAM IN BED..
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Put a dead mouse in her blankets. :)

[ozzyboy]

http://i372.photobucket.com/albums/oo166/ozzyboy2000/advice.jpg

[ozzyboy]

NEWS FLASH :- A plane in Australia has crashed into a Ferris wheel. Police say the pilot is shaken but slowly coming round !!!!

[ozzyboy]

I love Ebay.
I sold my homing pigeons 8 times last week!!

[rottodiver]

How do you make a marble elephant
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get a piece of marble and take everything away that doesn't look like an elephant!!

[patch697]

How do you catch a unique rabbit
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you neak up on it.......lol

[patch697]

http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/408924_265017920230967_198107283588698_753632_1689 937008_n.jpg

[nowoolies]

Golden Syrup.......

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[nowoolies]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.


The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"



"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, nor look soft in front of his mates, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"







So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........"

[nowoolies]

Laugh often, long and loud.

Laugh until you gasp for breath.

And if you have a friend who makes
you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with them.

[patch697]

http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/397290_347378498621312_279662078726288_1395491_430 594657_n.jpg

hahahahahahahahah.............. Gold

[belzi82]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/

hahahahahahahahah.............. Gold

Someone's been stealing my posts!!!! ahahahahhaha

[patch697]

Someone's been stealing my posts!!!! ahahahahhaha

I prefer to call it sharing with others................hahahahahahahahahaha

[patch697]

Death: Take my hand..

Person: No! I know that if I touch you I'll die!

Death: OMG you're so smart! High Five!

*Person High-Fives*

Death: Dumbass..

[patch697]

Posted on behalf of Belzi82


http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/406834_296636573715702_100001080864315_823363_7176 71884_n.jpg

[Wine_maker]

Till present moment I newer think that Patrol can be in role of eighteen-wheeler truck.

http://img220.imageshack.us/img220/7030/patrol640wd.jpg

[lil man]

A man walked into a bar? OUCH

:P

[patch697]

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/374327_186962708068418_124846097613413_325518_1653 305081_n.jpg

[patch697]

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/407087_2637991781938_1019817670_2801372_740947180_ n.jpg

[patch697]

http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/404573_152615584848340_116989095077656_219217_1065 97485_n.jpg

[patch697]

http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/381844_249576815114562_242504335821810_645247_1228 70963_n.jpg

[patch697]

Little Johnny:

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b%$ches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[patch697]

It's all in the name:

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

[nowoolies]

bugga ....now i gotta clean the coffee offa my keyboard

[ozzyboy]

My pet hamster died today... silly bastard fell asleep at the wheel . !!!!!!

[Wine_maker]

My pet hamster died today... silly bastard fell asleep at the wheel . !!!!!!

Real hamster must do 3 things in his life: eat, sleep and die.

[patch697]

A blond decides to take up sky diving.

In the classroom the skydiving instructor says 2 pull the parachute when you can recognize the faces of people on the ground...

The blond sticks here hand up & says, "But what if i don't know anybody down there"

[patch697]

I can't believe the crazy shit people do. I was sitting in church and this bitch next to me lit up a cigarette! I almost dropped my beer!

[patch697]

Have you ever wondered if that 5 dollar note in your hand was once in a strippers "G" string?

Well if you hadn't before, your wondering now............Your welcome.

[patch697]

What's the difference between a skydiver and a golfer?
A golfer goes "(whack), oh sh!t!". A skydiver goes "Oh sh!t, (whack)"

[patch697]

A Teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students this Question:

Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom??

... ... Michael:"Just a minute, I have to go pee.."

Teacher: That would be rude & impolite.. How about you Sam??

Sam said:"I really need to go to the Toilet, i'm sorry.."

Teacher: That's better but still not nice to say the word Toilet..
Oh you Little Johnny?? Can you use your brain??

Little Johnny said:"Darling, May i please be excused for a moment?? I've got to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom i hope to introduce to you after dinner."

"TEACHER FAINTED!!!"

[patch697]

Hymn #365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said,
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said,
'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down..

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn No 365,
'Shall We Gather at the River.'

[patch697]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.....
They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our f&%king tent!!!!."

[patch697]

Dear gangsters you might be able to outrun the cops faster if you pull up your pants !!

[patch697]

One snowy winters day Mickey Mouse was walking down the street and saw "Mickey Sucks!" written in the snow & it appeared to be written in someones pee.

Well Mickey was outraged & as soon as he returned home he called the police and told them all about what he had found.The officer told Mickey he'd send someone to investigate & the very next day the police called Mickey back.


"Mickey" we have bad news, and we have worse news, the bad news is the pee was Goofy's and the worse news is it was Minnie's handwriting!"

[rockndot]

Till present moment I newer think that Patrol can be in role of eighteen-wheeler truck.

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/

An etremaly happy inventive, in a anything goes world, lucky bastard,lol
abslutley love it.

[Wine_maker]

We must be very proud
http://www.boinasverdes.org/actividades/2003/desfile/fotos01/07A_1564.JPG

[Wine_maker]

And what about industrial hydraulic machine? (Hydraulic or pneumatic hummer or drill I think)

http://i186.photobucket.com/albums/x111/pepo29/P280810_15080001.jpg

http://i186.photobucket.com/albums/x111/pepo29/P280810_15090001.jpg

[Maxhead]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Darwin

She wanted a pair of genuine crocodile shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself a crocodile.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot crocodile swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the crocodile on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[BillsGU]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Darwin

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


You nearly had me believing this one - except for the fact that I know there are no alligators in Darwin - only crocks !!!

[Maxhead]

You nearly had me believing this one - except for the fact that I know there are no alligators in Darwin - only crocks !!!

Haha, fixed now

[rottodiver]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your( dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'


The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

[Clunk]

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between
confident and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

[Clunk]

A women asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".

[Clunk]

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?

Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my
mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

[Clunk]

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.

[Clunk]

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.

[Clunk]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Clunk]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[taslucas]

A good collection there clunk, had me chuckling? cheers

[Winnie]

http://nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/pb2017/Winnie/brofairytale.jpg

[Bob]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came

to have an oil shortage here in Australia.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in

Bass Strait

East Queensland Shale Fields

Canning Basin

Perth Basin

and

North-West Continental Shelf


Our DIPSTICKS are located in Canberra!!!
Any questions???

NO? I didn't think so.

[growler2058]

Some funny sh1t i jus bin lookin at

[snicko]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
One to move it to the lighting section
Two to argue, then move it to the electrical section
Seven to point out spelling/ grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
Five to flame the spell checkers
Three to correct spelling/ grammar flames
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another six to condemn those six as stupid
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
Fifteen know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
Thirty-six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "me too"
Two to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
Five to say, "Didn't we go through this already a few months ago?"
Nine to say, "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
One forum lurker to respond to the original post eight months from now and start it all over again.
borrowed from another forum
" smile and wave boys smile and wave "

[growler2058]

Absolute GOLD Snicko hahhahahahahahhahahahahhaaha

[rottodiver]

That was really funny snicko.. Thanks for that, chuckled all the way through it :)

[snicko]

Yeah found it and though it was pretty funny!! hahahaha

[Silver]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

.......................

borrowed from another forum
" smile and wave boys smile and wave "

Can you tell me whether the factory loop fitted to the light bulb can be trusted in the extraction, snicko? :-)

[Clunk]

It all began with an iPhone...



March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

http://i1124.photobucket.com/albums/l570/clunk71/Miscellaneous/iphone.jpg

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

http://i1124.photobucket.com/albums/l570/clunk71/Miscellaneous/ipad.jpg

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

http://i1124.photobucket.com/albums/l570/clunk71/Miscellaneous/ipod.jpg

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

http://i1124.photobucket.com/albums/l570/clunk71/Miscellaneous/iRon.jpg

It was around then that the fight started..

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

iHurt

http://i1124.photobucket.com/albums/l570/clunk71/Miscellaneous/iHurt.jpg

[snicko]

Can you tell me whether the factory loop fitted to the light bulb can be trusted in the extraction, snicko? :-)

How may forum members will reply?? hahahahahaha

[lenkeit1234]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[lenkeit1234]

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: 'Nothing.'
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

[Wine_maker]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=12713

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=12714

[ozzyboy]

I borrowed a DVD from my mate, entitled Bald & Barely Legal.

I rushed home, drew the curtains, put the DVD in the slot and made myself comfortable, expecting something really raunchy.

Felt such an idiot when it turned out to be a Department Of Transport short film about tyre tread depths.

[AB]

Shouldn't talk about politics but I just had to share this one...lol

[Wine_maker]

Epic fail

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2012/02/55.jpg

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2012/02/56.jpg

[taslucas]

Wow! that looks dodgy!
Maybe should have hit it in third!? LMAO

[Wine_maker]

The evil forest ate a car!

http://media.ifun.ru/3/d/3dq2msor.jpg

[LittleJohn]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2012/03/1.gif

[Pete's GU3]

I went to my bosses house for dinner one night and his wife says

"how many potatoes would you like "

i said ' Oh just 1"

she said "Oh you dont have to be polite "

I said "Oh just 1 then you ugly bitch"!

[45/70]

If you put a big Condom on a big c@#k,

and a little Condom on a little C@#K,

what would you put on a soft C@#K?








a Collingwood jumper.:groupwave::harhar:

[89GQ]

Ime building one of these for the side of my shed.

[Bigrig]

Ime building one of these for the side of my shed.

It's a classic hey??? lmao

Can't be more honest about the weather than that I reckon!!! lol

[cobra]

so so true i want one as well

[Bob]

Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed
a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[taslucas]

Hahaha that's great bob! Will have to try it!

tappa slappn about

[Wine_maker]

One more.

GQ is a presidents car!

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=14116

[Crusher_AU]

Whats the difference between a Tarago and the QLD Labour Party.....
.
.
.
.
.
The Tarago has more seats.....

[LittleJohn]

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard,
my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister.

Both of her parents - Socialist Labor - were standing there,
so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow! what a worthy goal!" I said.
"But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50.
Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and
you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party."

[Rosco]

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks.
Does the shit stick to your fur?
The rabbit says no.
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

[fixer982]

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[fixer982]

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Bob]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.

One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following:

“After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless.”

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.

[belzi82]

Yesterday a mate was having some work done at the car dealers. A woman came in and asked for a Seven-Hundred-Ten.

They all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece In the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one.

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had the bonnet up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

Now look at the photo to learn what a 710 is.

http://tinyurl.com/6nr3ong

[Wine_maker]

A little adult humor!

I don't say that you are hooker! But if your vagina will have password it will be 12345.

[gec]

.


Dementia quiz



first question:

You are a participant in a race. You overtake
the second person. What position are you in?





~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~








answer : If you answered that you are first,
then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the
second person and you take his place, you are in second place!

Try to do better next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as
you took for the first question, ok?





Second question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are....?
(scroll down)




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~











answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are.....
Wrong again. Tell me sunshine, how can you overtake the last person??


You're not very good at this, are you?


Third question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note:
This must be done in your head only.
Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20 .. Now add another 1000.
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for the correct answer.....




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~








did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100...



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe...



Fourth question:

Mary's father has five daughters:

Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ???
What is the name of the fifth daughter?






~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~







did you answer nunu? No! Of course it isn't.
Her name is mary! Read the question again!







Okay, now the bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to
redeem yourself:





A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he
successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a
pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants?





~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~






it's really very simple
he opens his mouth and asks for it...
Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so do not let them see your answers for this test!



~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~


pass this on to frustrate the
smart people in your life!
Have a nice day, one and all.

[Clunk]

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."



Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"



A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!



Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.



Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"



Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

[fixer982]

One more.

GQ is a presidents car!

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=14116Looks like the sort of fella that would own one..LOL

[fixer982]

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said,'Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'
Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel!!!."

[fixer982]

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

[fixer982]

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?" "Yes!" Paddy replies. The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?" Paddy replies "I"m hoping its going to be time and a half.

[fixer982]

Paddy says to Mick " Can you give me a hand with this jigsaw, its supposed to be a tiger."

Mick says " Put the frosties back in the box you thick git ! "

[JohnnyBigPants]

Doctor: I haven't seen you for a while Mr Smith
Mr Smith: I've been ill

[growler2058]

Doctor: I haven't seen you for a while Mr Smith
Mr Smith: I've been ill

OHHHhhhhh DEAR!!!!!!! hahahahaha

[JohnnyBigPants]

Man has a job interview; it goes well, he's offered the job and sets off on the long drive home in his car. About 20mins into the journey, he takes a call from his new boss who says that they were that impressed, they would actually like to offer him a supervisor position. In his delight, he lost concentration and drifted out of his lane on the highway and swerved back on the horn blast from a truck. About half hour later a senior manager of his new employer called him up and told him that his new boss had been fired and given that they were all so impressed by his interview, offered him the managers job, if he would take it. Delighted again, he lost focus on driving, drifted across 3 lanes of highway, and drove over the rumble strips before correcting and resuming his journey. About an hour later, a call came in from his new company's CEO who said that he had been informed of the potential of the organisation's newest recruit and being a man of action, said that he didn't like wasting time, so he would make him a senior partner in the business and give a position on the board of directors. With this news, the man lost control of the car swerved off the road and collided head on with a tree. He wasn't too badly hurt. A police officer approached him and asked if he could tell him what happened.

"Sure," he said," I careered off the road"......

[growler2058]

Double OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[fixer982]

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and
take up golf, so he puts his name down at the local club. After a week
he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he
goes down to the club to inquire why.





Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?




Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are, Jock.



Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.


Scot: Aye, so do I.




Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?




Scot: Neither do I.



Secretary: But you are a Jew?


Scot: Aye, I be that.



Secretary: So you are circumcised?


Scot: Aye, I be that too.




Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel
comfortable with that.



Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant
to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic
to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I
heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

[fixer982]

CHEAP SUITS


Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy looked in
one
of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read,
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".


Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole
lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when
we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking ‘cause if they hear
our accents, they might think we’re thicko’s from Ireland and try to screw
us.. I'll put on my best English accent.”

“Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business” said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice,
"Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each,
100 shirts at £2..00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at
£2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load ‘em on, so I
will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"


The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

[dwrjr]

After playing pool billiards for a while, a man walks over to the bar and orders a straight whiskey, which he downs. After a few more, he's obviously inebriated. He calls the barkeep over, shows him his empty glass on the bar, and says: "I bet you fifty dollars I can stand on your bar and pee in that glass without spilling a single drop!". Never one to pass up easy money, the barkeep says: "you're on, mate". The drunk stands up on the bar, takes it out, and proceeds to pee all over the bar, without getting a single drop into the glass. He hands the barkeep fifty dollars, and starts laughing and laughing. Barkeep says: "Wait, you just lost fifty dollars and you think that's funny?". Drunk says: "You know what's funny? You see those 8 blokes standing around the pool table? Before I started drinking, I bet each one of them that I could piss all over your bar, and you wouldn't even get mad at me!".

[jimbeamteam]

A man and wife are asleep in bed, there is a loud knock at the door. The husband looks at the clock and says who the hells that at 3 in the morning, he gets out of bed puts his slippers and gown on and walks down the stairs, he opens the door to a bloke who has obviously had a few too many "SCCUUUUSSEE MEE MMAATTEE, WUD YOUU BEEE ABLE TOOO GIVE ME AAA PUSHHH" the husband replies "No bugger off" ,slams the door in the drunk mans face and storms back to bed. After the man tells his wife what happened she reminds him of the time they broke down in the middle of the night and he had to go and knock somebody up for a push, "alright fine, I'll give him a push" the husband gets up puts his slippers and gown back on, heads down stairs, opens the door and looks round for the bloke. "Hey mate, do you still need a push". "YESSH PPLEASE" shouts the drunk guy. The husband still cant see him so he shouts out " where are ya?". "ROUUND THE BACKK ONN THE SHWING"

[AB]

A man and wife are asleep in bed, there is a loud knock at the door. The husband looks at the clock and says who the hells that at 3 in the morning, he gets out of bed puts his slippers and gown on and walks down the stairs, he opens the door to a bloke who has obviously had a few too many "SCCUUUUSSEE MEE MMAATTEE, WUD YOUU BEEE ABLE TOOO GIVE ME AAA PUSHHH" the husband replies "No bugger off" ,slams the door in the drunk mans face and storms back to bed. After the man tells his wife what happened she reminds him of the time they broke down in the middle of the night and he had to go and knock somebody up for a push, "alright fine, I'll give him a push" the husband gets up puts his slippers and gown back on, heads down stairs, opens the door and looks round for the bloke. "Hey mate, do you still need a push". "YESSH PPLEASE" shouts the drunk guy. The husband still cant see him so he shouts out " where are ya?". "ROUUND THE BACKK ONN THE SHWING"

LMAO...Classic dad joke that one...I like it!

[Wine_maker]

Gues who is it?

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2012/05/4.jpg

[Bob]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[wildgu6]

I know I'm a good driver,
The cops sent me a letter the other day,
It said driving fine


Yappa tappa doo

[LittleJohn]

guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.


It doesn't have any feet or legs.


The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'


The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies.


'You actually understood and answered me. !'


'I got every word,' says the parrot.


'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.


'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.


You can't see it, because of my feathers.'


'Wow,' says the guy.


'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.


I'm especially good at ornithology.


You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.


'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.


You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.


The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful


The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.


'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

[Clunk]

I never fully understood how to tell the difference between male and female birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until now...................

Below are two birds. Study them closely. See if you can determine which of the two is the female.

It CAN be done! Even by one with limited bird watching skills!

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

http://i1124.photobucket.com/albums/l570/clunk71/Miscellaneous/birds.gif

[snicko]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from a motor of a Harley when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic, thinking he might get in a cheap shot at the medic’s expense, called out to the doctor from across the garage.

“Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motor cycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hand on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.”

“So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic……

“Try doing it with the engine running…”

[Bob]

Where do you park the Patrol

[rusty_nail]

ok so this one is kinda long, but im sure you can ALL appreciate this:

at a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "if GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000ks to the ltr."

in response to Bills comments, GM issued a press release stating:

"If GM had developed technology like microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason, your car would crash......... twice a day.

2. Everytime they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over close all the windows, shut the car off, restart it and reopen oall the windos before you could continue. for some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally xecuting a manouver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refure to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. the oil water temp and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "this car has performed an illegal operation" warning light.

7. the airbag system would ask "are you sure" before deploying.

8. occasionally, for no reason what so ever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. everytime a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car

10. you'd have to press the start button to turn the engine off

[Clunk]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

[snicko]

RUDE CHEMIST
*
*
*Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the chemist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast

and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and

the phone was still ringing...

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.

Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[growler2058]

Hahahahahahaha very good


Tap tap drip drip

[jack]

GOOD GOLF WIFE!

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached
across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we
will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of
these 50 years, have You ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been
unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good
reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?''

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were
about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you
remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he
notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for
that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha said, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the
money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your
doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course
I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.

"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of
your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

[Bob]

Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...

[snicko]



DON'T MESS WITH OLD LADIES

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,** when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

[P4trol]

Patient: "Doctor, I have a strawberry stuck in my backside"

Doctor: "Its okay, I have some cream to go with that. "

Tipsy-tap

[Bob]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

[healy]

I think you all have missed the best joke of all so here it is Landcruiser

[taslucas]

Haha yeah I've seen the documentary about those pens.

Tap, crackle, pop

[Bob]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

[snicko]

Many a true word is written in jest!

Hilarious - especially if you have experienced it!

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami

Herald .............this is his story:



Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.

(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[Winnie]

That's golden Snicko! Just forwarded it onto the boys at work they will love it.

[snicko]

WICOE

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

[MC97GQ]

Sign me up Snicko, I hate to admit it but I NEED HELP in all those topics.

I'm a failure as a metronome, oops I mean metrosexual.

[Punderhead]

I just watched a film where a Guys wife is brutally murdered by a cereal killer, and his son left physically disabled. Then, in a twisted turn of events, his son is kidnapped, and has to chase the kidnapper 100's of miles with the help of a mentally disabled female.





Yep. Finding Nemo is a real thriller!

Cheers!

[Punderhead]

Now - see how long it takes you to read this!

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Caws Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Cheers!

[Bob]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

[GUtsy ute]

Not looking forward to be in Continent.
Being in Ebriated isn't too bad though!!

[Winnie]

I live in Ebriated.

[Richo460]

i love staying in Ebriated when i am not working, next time i am there we will have to catch up.

[Bob]

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

[snicko]

Sign me up Snicko, I hate to admit it but I NEED HELP in all those topics.

I'm a failure as a metronome, oops I mean metrosexual.

Hahahahahha You can sit next to hubby!!

[snicko]

Make sure your speakers are on!! Very funny!!


http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=2998

[MC97GQ]

9 Words women use and their meanings, as discussed on the CCT.

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

[Bob]

A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family! . She asked a stock boy, "Do
these chickens get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."

[Winnie]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[Bob]

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.



They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ..

Today you voted.'

[PMC]

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people." Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never Be Late!!

Regards,

RLI

[PMC]

A Scottish bag-piper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

The piper was not familiar with the backwoods, and he got lost and, being a typical man, he didn't stop for directions.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the excavator and work crew left and they were eating lunch.

The piper felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already inplace.

He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and no friends. He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.

And has he played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together. When he finished he packed up his bagpipes and headed for his car.

As the piper opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say;

"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."

Regards,

RLI

[PMC]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Regards,

RLI

[BigRAWesty]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2012/10/85.jpg


Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories (http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/showthread.php?15134-Westy-s-Accessories.-A-small-back-yard-builder.)

[BigRAWesty]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2012/10/88.jpg


Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories (http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/showthread.php?15134-Westy-s-Accessories.-A-small-back-yard-builder.)

[The BigFella]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to
University, but halfway through the semester he foolishly
has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe
what modern education is developing. They actually
have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog
Ol' Blue how to talk."

"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young
jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.

"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read."

"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that
program?"

"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a
problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots
the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is pretty
excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with
him, and see him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the
living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Financial Review.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around
with that redhead barmaid at the pub?'"

The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he
talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, dad!"

"That's my boy!"




The kid went on to be a successful lawyer

[Bob]

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

[wildgu6]

Teacher:
If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully...

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher:
Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fn cat!!!


Tappn the App Beers on Tap

[PMC]

Fifty Sheds Of Grey - extracts

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” So I took her to Bunning’s.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.” So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

Regards,

RLI

[Bob]

A man moved to a new house. He thought he would get to know the locals and went to the pub near his home. He went in and sat at a stool and asked for a drink. In front of him was a jar of 10 cent coins, with a sign saying correct guess wins you the jar!!!
After about 10 beers he told the barman he was on his way home and the barman said seeing he was such a good customer he could have a free guess at the jar. The man had been thinking about an amount all night and replied with 206 dollars. The barman stood amazed and said, THAT"S CORRECT !!
How did you know how much was in there? The man said just a lucky guess, grabbed his jar of coins and staggered out and walked home.
As he walked up the front stairs of his house he tripped and the jar crashed to the patio and scattered the 2006 coins all over the place. He decided he would pick it up in the morning. He crept into the bedroom and without waking his wife went to sleep. Early next morning his wife came in all excited to wake him up yelling JOHN,JOHN..... You wont guess whats all over our patio?.... John opens his eyes and says calmly, Yeah I know..... 206 dollars in 10 cent coins......
NO!! she said.....
There is 200 liters of MILK !!!!

[TPC]

Second job for my wife.

Ever since I got my Patrol i have been a bit short of money, with the cost of all the accessories and mods and my wife and I were starting to havd troubles paying the bills.
I am already working 10 to 12 hours a day so I asked my wife if she would mind getting a second job, she said she would think about it.

The next day she said to me she would try making some money as a prostitute on Hindley st in town, I was a bit concerned at first but decided anything that brought in extra money would be good.
The next weekend she got herself all dolled up in a tight miniskirt, sexy top and high heels and I dropped her off in town and arranged to pick her up in the morning.

The next morning I picked her up and asked how she got on, she told me she made three hundred and forty one dollars.
That was not bad I thought, helps pay the bills but had to ask her who the cheap bastard was that only gave her one dollar.
She told me all of them did.

[Wine_maker]

Are you still sure that today will be a good day???

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=22236

[Punderhead]

There has been a strange habit at work of people giving names to food in the fridge. Today I ate a sandwich named Kevin!

Cheers!

[PMC]

God visited a man and told him that he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven.....

The man said he would try his best.

God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.

"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pull her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side
and gave her one right there ".

"They don't like that in heaven", said God...

The man replied "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!

Regards,

RLI

[PMC]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Regards,

RLI

[PMC]

German Tourist


A German Tourist jumped in the freezing waters Port Phillip bay in Melbourne to save a old ladies little dog!

Upon getting back onto the jetty, he checked the little dog over and told the old lady " Ze dog is ok, He vill be fine!

Due to his selfless heroic act, the little old lady asked, "are you a vet?"

He replied,"vet? I'm farking soaked!"

Regards,

RLI

[MEGOMONSTER]

http://youtu.be/AZZCVpeBKIA


Never argue with an idiot, cos he'll bring you down to his level, then beat you with experience. Y2K

[growler2058]

$&@?! I woulda belted the effers over the head with the shovel when I managed to get up


Sent from my tapped out thumbs

[Bob]

An elderly couple, Margaret and John, moved to Texas .

John always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, John stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "John, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, John yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, John. Shoulda bought a hat."

[MC97GQ]

If the answer is:

Cock Robin!

What is the question?

[MEGOMONSTER]

If the answer is:

Cock Robin!

What is the question?

What's another word for rooster, Batman.

[mudnut]

Time for a bit of pun.

10 puns went to a pun convention at a multistory hotel in New Zillund. On the first morning the puns went to breakfast. There was porridge or bacon and eggs offered. All 10 puns had the porridge. Moral to this is, that when it came to selecting bacon and eggs for breakfast NO PUN IN TEN DID.

(Sorry, but it gets worse.)

The puns went to the top of the building, drank wine and ate strawberries as they watched the city below. They all got a bit drunk and fell off the building, but there was a safety net and no pun was hurt. The moral is that when drinking wine and eating strawberries, one PUN-NET is sufficient.

(Yes, that one was mine)

In the afternoon, the puns went shopping. One pun bought a neon light and associated posters for his daughter's room. They then went for a tour in the surrounding hills, driving a Land Cruiser. The pun, ( A rather large muscle bound one) driving, hit a rock, lost control and smashed into a tree. All of the puns were ok, and the neon light was intact, but the Land Cruisers diff was shattered.

The moral here is that a Land Cruiser diff is not as strong as a PUN-NEON.

(Remember it is still in New Zillund)

The smallest pun got really upset at the big pun who was driving. They had a full on PUNch up. The small pun kicked the big puns bum, so badly, that a passerby called the police, and an ambulance. The big pun was whisked away to hostpital with a THUM-PUN head ache. The police arrested the small pun and threw him in jail.

The moral is that if you fight against a WEE-PUN you will most likely loose.

In jail the fiesty little one PUN-DERED his predicament. He remembered he was once friends with the Prime Minister so he made a phone call. Upon hearing the story the Prime Minister PARDONNED THE PUN.

[P4trol]

Please remove excess puns from post.


Are you a member of the day jokes on fb?

[mudnut]

Please remove excess puns from post.


Are you a member of the day jokes on fb?

What's fb? Sorry, I just spent the morning at the dentist. It mustve been the painkillers.

[taslucas]

What's fb? Sorry, I just spent the morning at the dentist. It mustve been the painkillers.

Fb: facebook

Tap, crackle, pop

[mudnut]

Please remove excess puns from post.


Are you a member of the day jokes on fb?

I went to the pub for breakfast today, I had beer and PUNcakes for breakfast, bro. On the way home I was breathalised and got charged for having one PUNt too many.

[lorrieandjas]

Little Johnnie gets a new trainset for Christmas. He is playing with it so much his mother wonders what he is doing so listens in on him from the kitchen. Little Johnnie is sending the train around the track and when it gets to the station he says - "Right - all you bastards who want to get off the train - get off my bloody train now - and all you buggers who want get on - hurry the bloody hell up!"

Johnnie's mother is horrified, but thinking she is mistaken keeps listening then sure enough as soon as the train gets back to the station again Johnny says - "Right - all you mongrels who want to get on my bloody train - get on NOW - and if you're getting off - hurry the bloody hell up!"

Johnnies mother storms in the lounge room where Johhnie is playing and gives him a whaling and sends him to his room for one hour telling him to think about the right way to play with his toys. Johnnie storms off to his room muttering and sure enough an hour later he comes out straight back to the trainset. His mother asks if he has learnt his lesson and he replies yes.

His mother goes back to the kitchen and listens in to make sure all is good - sure enough when the train gets back to the station little Johnnie says "All you nice ladies and gentlemen who would like to get off the train - please get off now. And all you lovely passengers who want to join the train please jump on now. And if you want to know why the train is an hour late blame the b*&^% in the kitchen!"

(Censored due to being a family forum - feel free to replace with your choice of expletive!).

Jas

[MEGOMONSTER]

I got a light bar for sale, not sure of specs 100000 lumens 29w each led 80" long. No pics live in Greenville but pick up from frankstona Going cheap bought wrong size. Need it bigger and brighter. Aus made. Exported and imported back.

[lorrieandjas]

I got a light bar for sale, not sure of specs 100000 lumens 29w each led 80" long. No pics live in Greenville but pick up from frankstona Going cheap bought wrong size. Need it bigger and brighter. Aus made. Exported and imported back.

Funniest joke I've seen for a long time! :)

Jas

[mudnut]

A group of aussies arrived in Cape Town. "Welcome to Sarth Ifrica," says their guide. "Once yuv chucked unto thu hotul, yuv gut a choice of a tour or arse carting."
Except for two young blokes, (obviously a couple), the aussies didn't like the sound of arse carting, so they went on the tour. Later that afternoon they all met in the hotel bar. The tour group were hot, tired and dusty, but the two young blokes looked refreshed and cool as cucumbers.
"How was the tour?"one bloke asked.
"It was magical to see the animals, but the heat and dust was horrendous,' replied one woman. "How was your day?"
"Well it wasn't what we expected, but at least it was cool at the rink."

[MEGOMONSTER]

I got a light bar for sale, not sure of specs 100000 lumens 29w each led 80" long. No pics live in Greenville but pick up from frankstona Going cheap bought wrong size. Need it bigger and brighter. Aus made. Exported and imported back.

Bump- still for sale
Unwanted birthday present
Brand new, fitted but never used
Still in box, but not original.
Aussie made, copied Chinese copy
Sort of looks like this but different
24306

[lorrieandjas]

Bump- still for sale
Unwanted birthday present
Brand new, fitted but never used
Still in box, but not original.
Aussie made, copied Chinese copy
Sort of looks like this but different
24306

Do you offer lifetime guarantee?
Does it change colours depending on my mood?

It does. Oh ok - I'll take 2 then! :)

Jas

[MEGOMONSTER]

Do you offer lifetime guarantee?
Does it change colours depending on my mood?

It does. Oh ok - I'll take 2 then! :)

Jas

Can you transfer funds through Moneygram please.
Once funds are received, I will send goods. Please allow up to 6 weeks for delivery.
Full money back guarantee up to 6 weeks from date of purchase.

[lorrieandjas]

Done deal. Should I post my credit card details here? You seem honest enough so I can trust you right? You're just trying to help out a forum member right?

Jas

[MEGOMONSTER]

Roflmfao..................

[BigRAWesty]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn4fq3ZfWG4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories (http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/showthread.php?15134-Westy-s-Accessories.-A-small-back-yard-builder.)

[Clunk]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK! OK! I can't park the f*cking car! You do it, you SMUG BAST*RD"

To tap, or not to tap: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?

[Clunk]

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?


A: About 6 beers.

Lightweight!!!!!!!!! Lmao

To tap, or not to tap: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?

[MC97GQ]

The woman applying for a job in a lemon orchard in Orange , seemed to be far too qualified for
the job; given her arts and education degrees from Sydney University and her job as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"



"I've been divorced three times, owned two Landcruisers, supported the Wallabies, and I voted for Julia Gillard."

[Wine_maker]

Some interesting dust art.

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/01/108.jpg

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/01/109.jpg

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/01/110.jpg

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/01/111.jpg

[taslucas]

Wow that looks awesome! I've never seen anyone do that before.

FanTapstic!

[mudnut]

Excellent post Wine_maker. Unfortunately, my son has seen the dust art, and is already outside, trying to decorate our bush bomb.

[Wine_maker]

Commercial use

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/01/112.jpg

and art

http://thefunnyway.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Dirt-Art-23.jpg

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/01/113.jpg

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/01/114.jpg

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/01/115.jpg

[Wine_maker]

Hey mudnut hurry up take a karcher and a piece of cloth and you have a chance to save half of your car.
ps. Don't forget to show us your own art gallery on the broadside of your car.

[Wine_maker]

I found one more crazy hand made beast!

Full time 4х4
Can force heels till 40 degree angle
Low pressure on ground - 190 g/cm2
Pay load till - 3.5 tonnes
Total mass with load - 4.2 tonnes
Work temperature: -50о +40о C
Engine - Nissan FE6
2 solid axles - Military truck GAZ-66
Fuel consumption - 30 л/100 км
Body material - Parabeam (composite plastic)

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=24876

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=24877

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=24878

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=24879

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=24880

[Alitis007]

I found one more crazy hand made beast!

Full time 44
Can force heels till 40 degree angle
Low pressure on ground - 190 g/cm2
Pay load till - 3.5 tonnes
Total mass with load - 4.2 tonnes
Work temperature: -50 +40 C
Engine - Nissan FE6
2 solid axles - Military truck GAZ-66
Fuel consumption - 30 /100
Body material - Parabeam (composite plastic)

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=24876

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=24877

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=24878

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=24879

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=24880
I reckon those wheels will fit under the GU easy, no lift!!! Lol

[Woof]

I want one..................PLEASE

[lorrieandjas]

I want one..................PLEASE

Please sir. Can I have some more?!

Jas

[Wine_maker]

As unic thing it has price around 140 000 USD.

[Woof]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? "
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toasties and he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toasties’.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the toasties’. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese toasties, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion toasty.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..
The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese toasty. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know’

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' Said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...

'Mixin-me-toasties.'

[Clunk]

^^^^^^^^^^^ dear oh dear oh dear!!!!!!!!

To tap, or not to tap: Well it's obviously tap because this is the signature hey!!!!!! Duh

[growler2058]

^^^^^^^^^^^ dear oh dear oh dear!!!!!!!!

To tap, or not to tap: Well it's obviously tap because this is the signature hey!!!!!! Duh

X2 far out man

[Woof]

Sorry but it appealed to my strange sense of humor......it still cracks me up..ROFLMAO

[MEGOMONSTER]

Doggy are you serious, I read all of that for that ending

[threedogs]

Doggie you really are one sick puppy my friend. really "mixing me toasties"
Remember what Lurch would say aarrgghhh

[Pete's GU3]

A guy walks into a bar with a gun and says " Who the f**K had sex with my wife " ?
A guy yells out "Mate you dont have enough bullets "...

[Wine_maker]

If 8 bullets not enough for you.
You are put out of temper wrong guys....

[Wine_maker]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/01/147.jpg

[Drewboyaus]

Telephone conversation goes;

"Hello, is this the police?

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Waz. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Waz's house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Waz and leave.

The phone rings at Waz's house.

"Hey, Waz. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday", maaaaate!!!!



Tap this.........

[Bugjuice]

Dear Algebra,

Its over! Please stop asking me to find your x!

[mudnut]

Dear Algebra,

Its over! Please stop asking me to find your x!

And we don't know y.

[BigRAWesty]

Anthony Mundine.

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/02/1.jpg

Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories (http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/showthread.php?15134-Westy-s-Accessories.-A-small-back-yard-builder.)

[Bob]

Now he’s in trouble
A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, “what’s the problem officer?” To which the policeman responded, “I stopped you for running that red light behind you.” Just then the man’s wife leaned forward from the driver’s seat and said with a very loud voice, “I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going.”
The man then turned to his wife and yelled “Shut up stupid!” The policeman continued, “And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30.” His wife then leaned forward again and squawked “I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me.”
And again the man shouted at his wife “Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!”
The policeman then looked at the woman and said “does he always talk to you this way?”
To which the woman responed, “Only when he has been drinking.”

A Bad Day
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,…”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell। “I’m the groom.”

The reason for running
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

Should have glasses
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”
The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!

[BigRAWesty]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXbpZnYmo38&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Dickins Cider... One of a kind

Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories (http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/showthread.php?15134-Westy-s-Accessories.-A-small-back-yard-builder.)

[rusty_nail]

An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor."That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking
him out.
The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a fuckin' crowbar from Bunnings."

[Alitis007]

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the cops. While running they come across a small store, so they run in to hide. So the red head goes into a dog house, the brunette goes into a cat house, and the blonde goes into a potato sack. So the cops go in there, Whike looking for the three...one cop goes to the dog house and says "Is anybody in there?" So the red head goes "Bark Bark.". One other cop goes to the cat house and says "Is anybody in there?", So the brunette goes "Meow Meow." So another cop goes to the Potato sack and goes "Is anybody in there." So the Blonde goes "POOOTAAATOOOO."

Now the three are standing in front of the firing squad where the Sargent calls out the red head to come forward and he asks " Do you have any last words?" She yells out " TORNADO" so the firing squad turn around and the red head runs off. The sargent now a little angry calls forward the brunette and asks her for her last words and she yells out "FLOODS, FLOODS" and again while the firing squad turn away she does the bolt. Now really cheezed off the sargent calls for the blonde and asks her thru gritted teeth for her last words and she replies " FIRE!"


KABOOM!!!

[Bob]

A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

[growler2058]

thought this fitting hahahaha

[Ben-e-boy]

KFC have released the new
"Gillard Dinner Box"
2 small breasts
2 large thighs
1 red box

[BigRAWesty]

KFC have released the new
"Gillard Dinner Box"
2 small breasts
2 large thighs
1 red box

Smells ok but tastes like shoit...

Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories (http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/showthread.php?15134-Westy-s-Accessories.-A-small-back-yard-builder.)

[Ben89]

On the label it says "Please drink responsibly."

Well, I've got my seat belt on..

[Ben-e-boy]

.................................

[Alitis007]

.................................

Chev badge = 30kw @ the wiper blades !!! Also makes the Slappers GO WILD !!!! Lol

[taslucas]

Chev badge: for people that think bowties go on cars...

FanTapstic!

[Alitis007]

Chev badge: for people that think bowties go on cars...

FanTapstic!

Unless you own a '57 pillar-less coupe with a factory supercharged 350ci.......mmmmmmm

[Ben-e-boy]

Unless you own a '57 pillar-less coupe with a factory supercharged 350ci.......mmmmmmm


you wont see the owner of one of them stick a holden badge on lmfao

[Dominator]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/03/26.jpg

[taslucas]

Unless you own a '57 pillar-less coupe with a factory supercharged 350ci.......mmmmmmm

But wouldn't it be better with a rotary in it?????

Lmao

FanTapstic!

[Alitis007]

But wouldn't it be better with a rotary in it?????

Lmao

FanTapstic!

I thought you would never ask!!!!
MAZDA Roadpacer AKA HZ Premier with a 13B power planthttp://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/03/27.jpg and some light reading for you http://hh.hansenits.com/model/h/mazda-roadpacer.html

[taslucas]

I thought you would never ask!!!!
MAZDA Roadpacer AKA HZ Premier with a 13B power planthttp://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/03/27.jpg and some light reading for you http://hh.hansenits.com/model/h/mazda-roadpacer.html

Haha, at least you put a pic of that car in the right thread haha


FanTapstic!

[Alitis007]

Haha, at least you put a pic of that car in the right thread haha


FanTapstic!

Haha nice come back!!!!

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/03/29.jpg

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/03/30.jpg

[taslucas]

It's a pity the rotor looks as stuffed as the piston.
Second pic is funny though

FanTapstic!

[stevogq]

I thought you would never ask!!!!
MAZDA Roadpacer AKA HZ Premier with a 13B power planthttp://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/03/27.jpg and some light reading for you http://hh.hansenits.com/model/h/mazda-roadpacer.html


fap...fap...fap...fap...

[stevogq]

landbruser eii

26608

26609

[Wine_maker]

Maybe this one old for you, but I never hear it before.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"


Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
$hlomo

The Reply:
Dear Shlomo,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love your father,
NOach

[growler2058]

BwahahHAHAHAHAHAHA

[taslucas]

hahaha nice one growlers. I especially like the "got you on the loser fly-by" lol gotta love the loser flyby when they smash past you at 30 ks over the speed limit hahaha

[Wine_maker]

Indian movies is ...... so indian

http://pics.kz/i3/42/f0/42f08797f2b536f87e76db2f8a4545a9.gif (http://pics.kz/)

http://fotozup.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/facepalm12-500x521.png

[snicko]

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor. "Getting a second opinion!"

[Wine_maker]

Guy's I found something interesting!
http://en.akinator.com/ it can guess 95% of famous characters, cartoons, politics, actors, also fictitious too.

[Ben89]

They say when a dog starts shi##ing in the house, it's on its way out and should be put down.

Two days I had that puppy.

[rottodiver]

Hhahaaha that was classic Ben

[BigRAWesty]

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question...

Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories (http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/showthread.php?15134-Westy-s-Accessories.-A-small-back-yard-builder.)

[Alitis007]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."