The Joke Thread

[Alitis007]

Gotta love a visual joke!!!
26820

[BigRAWesty]

From the wife..

Why did WW1 go so quick, coz they were Russian
Why was WW2 so slow, coz they were Stalin.

What do you call a deaf whale... What ever you like he can't hear you...

Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories (http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/showthread.php?15134-Westy-s-Accessories.-A-small-back-yard-builder.)

[wouldnot]

A bloke goes into a parts shop & say,s to the salesman gimme 2 wiper blades for a 80 series toyota & the salesman say, s OK fair swap

[Wine_maker]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=27034

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=27035

[MC97GQ]

What do you call an aboriginal flying a plane?









































A Pilot, you pack of racists.

[NP99]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning; can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg".

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

[Drewboyaus]

Three tortoises, Troy, Andy and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic.
Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes
them ten days to get there. When they get there, Troy
unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Wayne
"I thought you packed it"
Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle
opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from
home without a bottle opener.
Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it.
But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives
that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving,
but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich
each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops
up from behind a rock and shouts,
"I knew it! ... I'm not f***ing going!"

[BigRAWesty]

Three tortoises, Troy, Andy and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic.
Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes
them ten days to get there. When they get there, Troy
unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Wayne
"I thought you packed it"
Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle
opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from
home without a bottle opener.
Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it.
But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives
that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving,
but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich
each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops
up from behind a rock and shouts,
"I knew it! ... I'm not f***ing going!"

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories (http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/showthread.php?15134-Westy-s-Accessories.-A-small-back-yard-builder.)

[Bob]

Click on attached image

[nz quadfather]

Three women -- one engaged, one married and one a mistress --- are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. All three buy black leather bras " stiletto heels, and masks for their eyes. After a few days, they meet over lunch to compare notes.


The engaged women says:
The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in the black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He said, "you are the woman of my life. I love you". Then we made love all night long.


The mistress says:
I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word -- but we had wild sex all night.


The married woman says:
I sent the kids to my mother's house all excited about having alone time with my husband. Had the lights dim, candles going, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos heels and a mask over my eyes.




As soon as he came to the door and saw me and said,"What's for dinner, BATMAN?

[Wine_maker]

Is this real or made just for lulz?

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=28064

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=28065

[taslucas]

Is this real or made just for lulz?

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=28064

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=28065

Unfortunately it's real mate! There are some special people down here!

FanTapstic!

[Winnie]

Unfortunately it's real, the owners think its cool, and it's more common than you'd think.


If you're happy and you know it tap a post!

[Wine_maker]

Funny guys! Also they should fit the snorkels and winches.

[taslucas]

Funny guys! Also they should fit the snorkels and winches.

Yeah they love their utes down here. Check out this link, it is a big "ute muster" held ecery year where you will see plenty of utes like the ones you posted.
http://www.deniutemuster.com.au/galleries/detail.aspx?GalleryID=10

[rottodiver]

Does the second pic have spotties on the roof because the headlights would be useless??.
Scotty

[jack]

There is an old Volvo sedan decked out like this roaming around Ballarat, I cringe every time I see it. Complete with RMW stickers.

[Wine_maker]

We also have one a little bit crazy man

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/04/57.jpg

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/04/58.jpg

[rottodiver]

We also have one a little bit crazy man

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/04/57.jpg

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/04/58.jpg

Must be a really bad driver.... You would see that coming and move though wouldn't you.. Classic

[P4trol]

Seen one of those utes near cowra. I really do wonder how they would go hitting a cow?

The antenna looking things are for flags - there could be an exception here and there and you might get two actually wired up for radios.

[Alitis007]

I used to see a couple of those Beut utes ( thats what they call them yeh?? Lol ) mostly where old holden utes like HQ, HX, HZ going around but there was one that i think was confused or just a tight rrrrss!! It was a 1970's duel cab Datsun thing full decked out with a roo basher, kenworth mudflaps, ariels and running lights!! Was a POS with an identity crisis.

Heres one i found when i was looking to buy my trol
28076

[Lux85]

haha theres definately some classic's

[Wine_maker]

Big boy
https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/60510_178369788969613_874790075_n.jpg

[Alitis007]

Thought this was funny

28135
Here you go people, NECK PUNCH !!! Lol
28136

[mudnut]

Our teenagers were 'forcing' us to listen to their Death Metal. After half an hour my missus just looked at them and said, "When you have kids, I hope they get into Country and Western."

[MEGOMONSTER]

Our teenagers were 'forcing' us to listen to their Death Metal. After half an hour my missus just looked at them and said, "When you have kids, I hope they get into Country and Western."

Not to be mean, but I need to know when I should laugh, sorry.

[mudnut]

Not to be mean, but I need to know when I should laugh, sorry.

Are you into the country and western, Mego?

[MEGOMONSTER]

Are you into the country and western, Mego?

No but used to listen to death metal.

[jack]

Haha now I'm laughing

[jack]

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese
fellow are hired at a construction site.
The manager points out a huge pile of
sand and says to the Italian, "You're in
charge of sweeping". To the Irishman,
"You're in charge of shoveling" To the
Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of
supplies". "Now, I have to leave for a
little while. I expect you guys to make a
dent in that pile."
So the manager goes away for a couple
of hours. And when he returns, the pile
of sand is untouched. He says to the
Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?
The Italian guy replies, "I didn't have a
broom. You said the Chinese guy was in
charge of the supplies, but he
disappeared and I couldn't find him" So
then the manager turns to the Irishman
and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get
myself a shovel. You left the Chinese
guy in charge of supplies and I couldn't
find him." The manager is really pissed
now, and storms off toward the pile of
Sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out
from behind the pile of sand and yells,
"SUPPLIES!"

[Woof]

Thanks mate, love it, my sort of joke...ROFLMAO

[MEGOMONSTER]

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese
fellow are hired at a construction site.
The manager points out a huge pile of
sand and says to the Italian, "You're in
charge of sweeping". To the Irishman,
"You're in charge of shoveling" To the
Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of
supplies". "Now, I have to leave for a
little while. I expect you guys to make a
dent in that pile."
So the manager goes away for a couple
of hours. And when he returns, the pile
of sand is untouched. He says to the
Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?
The Italian guy replies, "I didn't have a
broom. You said the Chinese guy was in
charge of the supplies, but he
disappeared and I couldn't find him" So
then the manager turns to the Irishman
and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get
myself a shovel. You left the Chinese
guy in charge of supplies and I couldn't
find him." The manager is really pissed
now, and storms off toward the pile of
Sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out
from behind the pile of sand and yells,
"SUPPLIES!"

I do that to my niece and nephew all the time. I ask if they'd like a surprise, they say yes please and my nephew always puts out his hands. I lift my hands in the air and tell "SURPRISE"

[Wine_maker]

Tadaaaaam!

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=28445

[MEGOMONSTER]

Wife asks husband in the morning, "We're you drinking again last night", husband says "No love, I told you, I had to stay back at work last night".
http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/04/127.jpg

[Wine_maker]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=28769

[Wine_maker]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/04/2.gif

[Woof]

Anyone remember the Samual Pepys Show..roflmao

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CfJsmMqkbg&playnext=1&list=PLD05D50F955D1E6A5

[AB]

Anyone remember the Samual Pepys Show..roflmao

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CfJsmMqkbg&playnext=1&list=PLD05D50F955D1 E6A5

T is fooooor Taslucas.....who picks the apple tree....lol

[Woof]

Thought of him when I posted this, been searching for it for about a month or more AB, just don't tell him...lol

[Winnie]

Lol

If you're happy and you know it tap a post!

[taslucas]

Hahaha thats great, so catchy:-)

FanTapstic!

[Bob]

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

[jack]

A Scotsman's Chilli

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".

[jack]

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said,

"Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of VB beer, for the price of 2.

[Winnie]

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said,

"Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of VB beer, for the price of 2.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA love it!

If you're happy and you know it tap a post!

[jack]

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, Notify: 'I put DOCTOR'."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I know that i am supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder for me to find one these days.

[jack]

Chilli and VB in consecutive posts - covers a major part of this forum

[threedogs]

Not a true story..............
Took dad to the shopping centre the other day to get a bite to eat at the food court.
Notice dad watching this teenager sitting near by, the teenager had a rainbow coloured
MO Hawk hair cut, Dad kept staring and the teenager caught him staring every time. Finally the teenager had had enough and said.
"Whats the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life??? Knowing dad I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response.
Without batting an eyelid he said "got stoned once and had sex with a parrot, so just wondered if you were my daughter

[jack]

I woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished I got back into bed.

My wife said, 'darling you're shaking, what is it?

'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said,

That B*stard next door has still got my bloody shovel'.

[jack]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about".

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

[MEGOMONSTER]

Poosystems and Figerz11 fail to book a stand at the Melbourne 4x4 show.

[taslucas]

Roothy's rants

[mudski]

What's better than eating a Mandarin?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Eating amanda out!
Bawawawaha!



I tapped that app...

[mudski]

Yer sorry if it offends anyone. I don't know any clean jokes. This was the cleanest I could think of. Well, tbh, this is the only joke I can remember...I'm just waiting to meet this Amanda girl and give her a Mandarin.

[Wine_maker]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=29296

[ozzyboy]

Police have arrested Rolf Harris but they can't get past his excellent defence.

It seems he's got an extra leg to stand on.

[ozzyboy]

After my wife died of a heart attack I didn't want to settle down again straight away. I wanted to have some fun first. So I went online to find a young girl with big boobs that I could have casual sex with.

Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed. They thought I should have called an ambulance first.

[ozzyboy]

"African boxer Mongo Wogchops successfully returns to the ring after losing both feet in a landmine accident. His pro record now stands at 10 wins without defeet"

[threedogs]

I'd like to share an experience with you that has to do with drink driving.
As you know I've had brushes with the authorities on the way home from the odd event over the years.
Well I've done something about it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Last night I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had way too much to drink.
Knowing full well I was over ,I did something I've never done before.
I took a bus home. I arrived safe and sound without incident,
which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before, lol

[ozzyboy]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

[Punderhead]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time-but nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
"I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice.
After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living.
Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?


"I work for the Tax Office."

[Punderhead]

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage,
Hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of
Stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs
And climb toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with
... Cold water.
After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same
Result.........all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
Monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away.
Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new
Monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock,
All of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb
The stairs he will be assaulted
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer
Takes part in the punishment...........with enthusiasm, because he is
Now part of 'the team'.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the
Fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
Stairs he is attacked.
Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were
Not permitted to climb the stairs.
Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the
Newest monkey
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the
Remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway
For the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds.............that is the way it
Has always been!
This, my friends, is how Parliament operates.........and this is why,
From time to time:
ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME

[Punderhead]

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

[jack]

The Worst Age To Be ???????
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[Alitis007]

Oldy but a goody lol

[Wine_maker]

Bad surprise in forest

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=29483

"Suicide box" OKA, with mass 645 kg, 2 cylinders engine volume 649 or 749 cub cm towing Infiniti QX.

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=29482

[Wine_maker]

Or, may be infiniti walking a pet on a lead lol

[PMC]

G'day lounge lizards!

An Ex-Lawyer, a Pathological Liar, a Fraudster, an Atheist and a Communist walk into a BAR.





Bartender asks....




"What'll it be, Ms. Gillard?"


Regards,

RLI

[taslucas]

G'day lounge lizards!

An Ex-Lawyer, a Pathological Liar, a Fraudster, an Atheist and a Communist walk into a BAR.





Bartender asks....




"What'll it be, Ms. Gillard?"


Regards,

RLI

And they wouldn't even let Mr Abbott through the door!

[TPC]

A lovingWife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside,he finds a couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told himit was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'

[Wine_maker]

http://d1gw9heb115bf7.cloudfront.net/30304060872/images/pic-day/07.06.2013.jpg

[mudnut]

A nerdy joke30143

[TPC]

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How
do you know?" He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband," you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back." "He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening".



A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and
her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"He said "Her brother's got a
moustache."

[BigRAWesty]

Top jokes, but you may wanna edit the last 2.. :D

Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories (http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/showthread.php?15134-Westy-s-Accessories.-A-small-back-yard-builder.)

[TPC]

Top jokes, but you may wanna edit the last 2.. :D

Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories (http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/showthread.php?15134-Westy-s-Accessories.-A-small-back-yard-builder.)

Thanks, don't know how it got all screwy like that, I just copied and pasted. Bloody computers have a mind of their own sometimes.

[BigRAWesty]

Thanks, don't know how it got all screwy like that, I just copied and pasted. Bloody computers have a mind of their own sometimes.

Yea mine is playing games to.. keeps coming up treads closed when trying to reply, and odd dates like 1970 on replies... World's goin crazy...

Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories (http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/showthread.php?15134-Westy-s-Accessories.-A-small-back-yard-builder.)

[firm351]

Why did the baker have smelly hands?



He kneaded a poo!!

[Wine_maker]

Guys have vanadium nuts
http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/07/108.jpg

[Wine_maker]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/07/2.gif

[Bob]

A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.
The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying "I am not sure that is a duck."
The Psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."
The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. He turns to the pathologist and says "Go see if that was a duck."

[NP99]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/07/2.gif

That looks very much like someone from here :-)......

[SonOf]

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."

A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

[Wine_maker]

The most stupid thing.

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=34203

if you have a mate who have a Jeep you know what you should show him lol

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=34204

[Wine_maker]

I saw a lot of guy's here who like hot sauces and peppers.

Who wants to taste this?

Euphorbia resinifera

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/09/93.jpg

Trinidad Moruga Scorpion Red - 2 000 000 - 5 300 000 units of Scovills scale

Euphorbia resinifera - 16 000 000 000 units of Scovills scale.

[Bob]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?
" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
"We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said,
"You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[MEGOMONSTER]

I saw a lot of guy's here who like hot sauces and peppers.

Who wants to taste this?

Euphorbia resinifera

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2013/09/93.jpg

Trinidad Moruga Scorpion Red - 2 000 000 - 5 300 000 units of Scovills scale

Euphorbia resinifera - 16 000 000 000 units of Scovills scale.

Holy shite, Growler challenge has been put on the table. Lol

[growler2058]

Holy shite, Growler challenge has been put on the table. Lol

That's a bloody cactus!! I ain't eating no cactus ;)

[MEGOMONSTER]

That's a bloody cactus!! I ain't eating no cactus ;)

I wanna see you taste 16 billion farkin hot points.

[Wine_maker]

:oops: Its not a cactus!

Its - Euphorbia!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euphorbia_resinifera

But yes! Its bloody HOT! :furious::furious::furious:

[growler2058]

I wanna see you taste 16 billion farkin hot points.


:oops: Its not a cactus!

Its - Euphorbia!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euphorbia_resinifera

But yes! Its bloody HOT! :furious::furious::furious:


Nope ya can both get STUFFED I aint doing it!

[MEGOMONSTER]

Nope ya can both get STUFFED I aint doing it!

I think that's a good decision.

[Winnie]

Nope ya can both get STUFFED I aint doing it!

Bahahah the great growler has met his match, weak as water mate!


Sent from my iPad using Motorculture mobile app

[growler2058]

Bahahah the great growler has met his match, weak as water mate!


Sent from my iPad using Motorculture mobile app

F.O. Poo...

[Wine_maker]

Nope ya can both get STUFFED I aint doing it!

Ok, ok we will waiting for this moment ... a few years ...

Сuriosity is very strong thing lol.

[BigRAWesty]

nope ya can both get stuffed i aint doing it!

sssooooffffffttttt as butter...

[TPC]

Bahahah the great growler has met his match, weak as water mate!


Sent from my iPad using Motorculture mobile app


sssooooffffffttttt as butter...

I agree, you two should give it a try and show him how its done.
Can you send some over Wine Maker.

[Wine_maker]

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Euphorbia-resinifera-Offsets-/300561619121?pt=UK_HomeGarden_Garden_PlantsSeedsBu lbs_JN&hash=item45fade58b1

It is waiting for you growler! And we all waiting for you. lol

[Maxhead]

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Euphorbia-resinifera-Offsets-/300561619121?pt=UK_HomeGarden_Garden_PlantsSeedsBu lbs_JN&hash=item45fade58b1

It is waiting for you growler! And we all waiting for you. lol


C'mon tough guy, get that into ya...LMAO

[Winnie]

Nah he's a bit soft for that mate. Can handle the hottest chilli but a cactus scares him.

[Maxhead]

Nah he's a bit soft for that mate. Can handle the hottest chilli but a cactus scares him.

Did we actually see him eat the hottest chilly??? or was it another video illusion trickery???HAHAHHAHAH

[taslucas]

Did we actually see him eat the hottest chilly??? or was it another video illusion trickery???HAHAHHAHAH

Nuh, it must be true, I saw it with my own two eyes........

he definitely ate a woolworths capsicum!!

[MEGOMONSTER]

Did we actually see him eat the hottest chilly??? or was it another video illusion trickery???HAHAHHAHAH

It was a sweet chilli dipped in red dye, it only looked like a Trinidad Scorpion.
Then he just jumped around screaming "ooooh farkin hell, farrrrrrrrk, farkkk"
Till the end of the video. Nothing to it really

[Maxhead]

It was a sweet chilli dipped in red dye, it only looked like a Trinidad Scorpion.
Then he just jumped around screaming "ooooh farkin hell, farrrrrrrrk, farkkk"
Till the end of the video. Nothing to it really

Yeah, just as I thought...soft cokc

[taslucas]

"daddy was silly and ate the chilli"

[Maxhead]

"daddy was silly and ate the chilli"

....."than screamed like a little girl"

[taslucas]

....."than screamed like a little girl"

Oh, was that growlers? I thought it was his daughter.....

[Winnie]

Did we actually see him eat the hottest chilly??? or was it another video illusion trickery???HAHAHHAHAH

Yeah the camera did duck down a bit when he put it in his mouth hey. I reckon he needs to do a retake.

[Maxhead]

Oh, was that growlers? I thought it was his daughter.....

Hahahahaahah!!!!!

I was wondering why this is in the Joke thread but then realized the whole chili eating was a Joke on us...LMAO

[Winnie]

I am glad I am not a fool or easily give into peer pressure. No chilli for me! Somebody better post some over for Oktoberfest, Lucas needs to try it!

[Wine_maker]

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=34355

[growler2058]

You're all a mob of girly nancy blouses!!!

[MEGOMONSTER]

You're all a mob of girly nancy blouses!!!

Yep, I concur

[BigRAWesty]

She was just a whiskey but he loved her still...

2 hats were hanging in the hallway. The first hat said to the second 'you stay here and I'll go on ahead..."

No matter how hard you push the envelop it will still be stationery..

A dog gave birth to her pups next to the road...
She got fined for littering...


Compliments of the cook (aka wife)

[BigRAWesty]

What do you call a fish with no eyes???







A fsh...

[TPC]

What do you call a fish with no eyes???







A fsh...

No you don't, you call it a blind mullet.

[Bob]

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

[Wine_maker]

http://www.thenational.ae/storyimage/AB/20130823/ARTICLE/308239955/AR/0/AR-308239955.jpg&MaxW=460&imageVersion=default

http://www.thenational.ae/news/uae-news/nissan-patrol-pulls-itself-into-history-books-with-guinness-world-record-at-uae-airport

If Y62 can do it, GQ can pull 2 or 3 planes! lol

[Bob]

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!”
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”
She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?
His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

[BigRAWesty]

What type of beezs make milk not honey???

























Boobeezs... :D

[Bob]

A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one.
Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse.
In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen."
So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse.
Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff.
Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.
"Whew," said the man, "thank God!"

[Ben-e-boy]

Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart?**

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'(Shane Wakelin).

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.'(Barry Hall Sydney captain at training).

Brock Maclean (Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: 'I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to.

''He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals v. Day Games: 'It's basically the same, just darker.

'Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.

'Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season:'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.

''Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'(Dermott Brereton).

' Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'(Mark Williams). [At least this one could have been ironic]

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.'(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'(Luke Darcy).

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was identical.'(Dermott Brereton).

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.'(Adrian Anderson).

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.(Andrew Demetriou).

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.'(Dermott Brereton).

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.'(Terry Wallace)

.Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?David Swartz: 'On what?

''Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'(Dermott Brereton).

'Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'(Dermott Brereton)

.And from the mouth of North Melbourne's Wayne Carey:"Tell me, Wayne, did you get your nickname, The Duck, because of your gait?""No, it's because of the way I walk."-

When Wayne was telling teammates about the house he had just bought, he was particularly proud that the kitchen featured a lot of timber in the way of cupboards and benches.Said a teammate: "Is it in Baltic pine?""No, in Keilor,"** (Keilor is a Melbourne suburb, for benefit of interstate and overseas readers)

[Bob]

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.
He heard one girl say to the other; “Nine.”
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.
“Sorry to spoil your evening,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German”

[Bob]

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

[liftlid]

Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart?**

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'(Shane Wakelin).

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.'(Barry Hall Sydney captain at training).

Brock Maclean (Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: 'I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to.

''He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals v. Day Games: 'It's basically the same, just darker.

'Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.

'Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season:'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.

''Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'(Dermott Brereton).

' Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'(Mark Williams). [At least this one could have been ironic]

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.'(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'(Luke Darcy).

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was identical.'(Dermott Brereton).

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.'(Adrian Anderson).

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.(Andrew Demetriou).

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.'(Dermott Brereton).

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.'(Terry Wallace)

.Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?David Swartz: 'On what?

''Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'(Dermott Brereton).

'Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'(Dermott Brereton)

.And from the mouth of North Melbourne's Wayne Carey:"Tell me, Wayne, did you get your nickname, The Duck, because of your gait?""No, it's because of the way I walk."-

When Wayne was telling teammates about the house he had just bought, he was particularly proud that the kitchen featured a lot of timber in the way of cupboards and benches.Said a teammate: "Is it in Baltic pine?""No, in Keilor,"** (Keilor is a Melbourne suburb, for benefit of interstate and overseas readers)

At least they can talk!
Sometimes they shouldn't though!

[BigRAWesty]

The Titanic.
Goes down on the first date and swallows all the seaman...

:cool:

[Bob]

In the beginning God created Earth and rested
Then he created Man and rested
God then created Woman
Since then neither God nor Man has rested

[Wine_maker]

http://justmotivated.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/george-carlin-quote.jpg

[Wine_maker]

http://guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/George-Carlin-quote-fighting.png

[ova50]

A Doctor was addressing an audience at my local club.
"Years ago, the foods we put into our stomachs would have been enough to have killed most of us sitting here if not for medicine".
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water".
"However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have probably eaten it, or will eat it".
He then asked the audience if anyone could name the food that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it.
A guy in the audience jumed up and yelled “Wedding Cake.”

[Bob]

The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.

At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in GST on a ten-dollar sale !"

Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.

Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE

[Steve4wdin]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.


He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."


She asked, "What the hell does that mean?"


He said,” Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot."


She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely ... but what about> I, J, K?


He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"


The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is cautiously optimistic about saving his testicles.

[Steve4wdin]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."


And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

[Steve4wdin]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint (as they do!)

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'



The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey Koala!'

So the stoned koala looked down at him and said,

'F*** me....
How much F.....ing water did you drink!?'

[Steve4wdin]

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause***

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

[BigRAWesty]

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause***

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

That's a good one??

[Steve4wdin]

Aussies

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:

Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .


As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..


As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. '

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[Punderhead]

Breaking BAD jokes

Walt takes a pizza to dinner at Hank and Marie's. Hank says, "how much for the pizza?" And Walt replies "it's on the house!"

I didn't watch the final season, because i am a true breaking bad fan, and sold my tv to fund my blue meth addiction!

Walter takes holly trick or treating. Holly runs up to the door and Walter yells "stop Holly! I'm the one who knocks!"

Cheers

[Steve4wdin]

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called:Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called:Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called:Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called:Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F you.'

The 5thkind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called:Pension Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE AT!!!.

[Winnie]

Steve you are on a roll tonight!

[rkinsey]

Free Beer!!

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

[Punderhead]

Free Beer!!

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

No, it's quite acceptable to pee in vb, as you won't change the taste

Cheers

[Winnie]

No, it's quite acceptable to pee in vb, as you won't change the taste

Cheers

You unAustralian slimy dog! take that bacck!

[taslucas]

No, it's quite acceptable to pee in vb, as you won't change the taste

Cheers

Haha x2!

Also, I reckon I would last longer drinking sea water

[Punderhead]

You unAustralian slimy dog! take that bacck!


Ummmmm......









NO!

[taslucas]

You unAustralian slimy dog! take that bacck!

Who asked you roothy?

[gaddy]

VB visitors beer , tight ass visitors bring it to your house drink your xxxx and then take it home again saying gee I didn't drink much

[Winnie]

I understand you skirt wearers just can't handle the lovely thing that is VB. One day you'll sprout a chest hair and realise how good it is.

[gaddy]

I understand you skirt wearers just can't handle the lovely thing that is VB. One day you'll sprout a chest hair and realise how good it is.

Only a VB drinker would call a beer lovely. a real beer drinker would say bloody good drop that .

[TPC]

VB visitors beer , tight ass visitors bring it to your house drink your xxxx and then take it home again saying gee I didn't drink much

Could be worse, they could the VB in your fridge.

[93patrol]

You have to watch the bastards they slowly swap your good beer out and you end up with a fridge full of vb so you become the cheap arse and I reckon they only brewed 1 carton hated the taste and the rest has been floating around everyone's beer fridges for the last 50 odd years

[taslucas]

I understand you skirt wearers just can't handle the lovely thing that is VB. One day you'll sprout a chest hair and realise how good it is.

That's not hair sprouting out of you Winnie, it's bullsh1t!! Haha

[Steve4wdin]

VB is the only beer. If any one ends up with a fridge full of unwanted real mans beer (VB) Winnie and I would be only too happy to help you out. mmmmmmmmmmm beer

[Winnie]

I like you Steve. I will claim any unwanted VB.

[growler2058]

Sick forkrs

[taslucas]

VB is the only beer. If any one ends up with a fridge full of unwanted real mans beer (VB) Winnie and I would be only too happy to help you out. mmmmmmmmmmm beer


I like you Steve. I will claim any unwanted VB.

It's appropriate that this discussion is in the joke thread

[Winnie]

Nobody asked you Lucas. Me and Kris so will make G man drunk some good beer ie VB

[growler2058]

Nobody asked you Lucas. Me and Kris so will make G man drunk some good beer ie VB

Nup..........

[Steve4wdin]

VB and chillies?

[Punderhead]

The boss of vb and the boss of xxxx go to the pub.

The vb boss orders a vb
The xxxx boss orders a lemonade.

The vb boss says "why didn't you order a xxxx?"

And the xxxx boss replies "if you aren't drinking real beer, than neither will I!!!"


Cheers

[04OFF]

I drink XXXX ,cos its easier to spell than BEER ! :wink:

[Steve4wdin]

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
And whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy.....

[Steve4wdin]

TARZAN Meets JANE

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had Sex.

"Tarzan not know Sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what Sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, and lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

[Ben-e-boy]

Good old Bob Hawk.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMa0j5A3nWw&feature=youtube_gdata_player

[TPC]

Good old Bob Hawk.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMa0j5A3nWw&feature=youtube_gdata_player

That was bloody funny.

[Bush Ranger]

Why has santa got such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

[Bob]

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

[Punderhead]

An spy agency had three recruits to put through the final stage of initiation. To guys and one girl.

They took the first guy, gave him a loaded gun, and said "we need to know that you can follow orders to the letter, no matter what! In that room is your wife. Take this gun and kill her!"

The man took the gun. But before he reached the door, he broke down and said he couldn't do it.

They then took the second man and told him the same thing.

He went into the room, and came out five minutes later, said nothing, put the fun down and walked out.

Then they took the woman. And told her to kill her husband.

She grabbed the gun, walked into the.room. And before the door was shut, they heard the clip being emptied. Soon after they heard a few loud crashes.

The woman walks out of the room, looking messed up, and yells " YOU DIDNT TELL ME THAT YOU LOADED THE GUN WITH BLANKS!!! I had to beat him to death with a chair!!!!"

Cheers

[Bob]

Subject: VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND




John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[Bush Ranger]

A bloke walked past an ice creamery that had a sign out the front saying `` We can make any flavoured ice cream you want``, He couldn`t resist, but to walk in and ask if they can make a vagina flavoured ice cream. The reply was a yes we can. After 10 minutes of waiting, the ice cream was made and the bloke couldn`t wait to try it. He took a lick and spat the ice cream out and complained that it tasted like cr@p. The sales assistant told him that he took to big of a lick.

[MEGOMONSTER]

The Porch

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right.... I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".

[ova50]

Sometimes we find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt, sole owners of the fertilizer company, Needeep N. Schitt Pty Ltd.
Jack married his childhood sweetheart, Noe.

They had 6 children, 4 Sons, Deep Schitt, Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt and Bull Schitt. Their 2 daughters were, Giva Schitt and Hollie Schitt
Against her parents' objections, Hollie Schitt married her second cousin, Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout, and had 2 children, son Loda, and a daughter with a nervous disposition, they named Chicken.

Jack and Noe Schitt divorced after about 15 years. Noe later married Ted Sherlock, and she then became known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Two of the sons, Deep and Fulla, were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens sisters in a dual ceremony.
Details in the newspapers at the time, announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
Deep Schitt had 2 sons, Dawg and Horse Schitt and Fulla had a daughter, Byrd Schitt.

Dip and Giva Schitt never married.

Bull Schitt, left home to tour the world and recently returned from overseas with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[mudnut]

mudnutette nearly Schitt herself laughing when I read that out, Ova50. XD

[Steve4wdin]

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about.'


The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.'

[Gecko17]

journalist interviewing Paul McCartney and John Lennon before a concert back in the 60's....

Journalist: "Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?

John Lennon: " Ringo Starr's not even the best drummer in the Beatles."....

[mudnut]

One of the kids asked me "Daddy, how does flint make sparks?" So I dutifully searched the internet and found some fantastic explanations about how when struck with a bit of sharp flint, the iron shatters a little. The resultant tiny pieces of iron immediately react with oxygen and ignite, creating sparks. Fantastic stuff. The next question was, "Daddy, how does tinder work?" believe me folks, you really don't want to type in 'How tinder works?' on Google chrome....

[BigRAWesty]

One of the kids asked me "Daddy, how does flint make sparks?" So I dutifully searched the internet and found some fantastic explanations about how when struck with a bit of sharp flint, the iron shatters a little. The resultant tiny pieces of iron immediately react with oxygen and ignite, creating sparks. Fantastic stuff. The next question was, "Daddy, how does tinder work?" believe me folks, you really don't want to type in 'How does tinder work?' on Google chrome....

You get a site to get a women in the kitchen...

[mudnut]

You had to look. Didn't you!!

[taslucas]

You get a site to get a women in the kitchen...

You're using it wrong mate!

[Bush Ranger]

Little Susie goes out to her father who is in the shed and asks`` Dad, what is sex?``. He thought here we go and how do I get out of this. ``Well Susie, When mum and dad love each other so much, they make love.`` He goes in to great detail on how they reproduce with their sexual organs etc etc and little Susies` eyes get bigger and bigger as the story unfolds. After the story ends, the father says ``Why do you ask Susie?`` Susie says ``Well mum says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.``

[Gecko17]

In Honour of Stupid People . . ...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
Consumer goods.


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well,...duh, a bit late, huh!)


==========================


On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)

===========================


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


==========================

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????....)


=======================

On a Sears hair dryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

====================================

On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


===========================

On a bar of Dial soap --
'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???.....)


============================


On some Swanson frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's justa suggestion.)


========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)



==============================


On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???.....)


==============================


On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)


==========================

On a Japanese food processor --
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)


===========================


On a child's Superman costume --
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


========================

On a Swedish chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my Goodness..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)



****Blessed are the cracked:
for it is they who let in the light*****

[ova50]

Its come to the attention of Authorities that some females have been using a date-drug marketed under the name of Beer.

Authorities are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a man to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with women, to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship".
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment often referred to as "marriage".

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimised men.

For the support group nearest you, look up "Golf Courses".
For a video to see how this scam works, click on the link below.

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

[Gecko17]

National service for over 60s

This bloke makes so much sense



(… GRUMPY OLD MAN)

Call Up - blokes Over 60
This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier... New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!


I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arse -backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old blokes. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.


For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old blokes only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.


Young blokes haven't t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some arse hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..


An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old blokes always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.


Boot camp would be easier for old blokes. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.


They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any press-ups after completing basic training.


Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old blokes track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.


HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

[Gecko17]

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

[93patrol]

40663

……………;…

[Gecko17]

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[jack]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"...

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[tallman]

I will let Bob tell this one....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GesFxg1R4K0

[jack]

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local bottle shop.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter, handsome ~ would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of beer 'ya got?"

[jack]

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get farked"

[Gecko17]

5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember.

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a BMW than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

[Gecko17]

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji.

[Gecko17]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

[jack]

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be today."

Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to the guy's delight, sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks.
Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me.

The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I.

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that His Holiness is tapping his pencil, thinking. After a little while of pencil taping, the Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything Your Holiness.. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

[Gecko17]

-- Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mum got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay envelope at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those pricks at Bunnings ever deliver the farkin' gyprock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

[Wine_maker]

How to turn copper in to the gold?

It's easy mate!

Al + Cu = Au + Cl

[Gecko17]

I walked into a chemist shop in Perth, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help me.

I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with the highest level of professionalism.

I then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it." showing her the problem.

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is:

a.. 1/3 ownership in the shop ....
b.. A company car...
c.. Seven home cooked dinners a week .....
d.. And $ 3,000 a month in living expenses."

[firm351]

An Australian electrician (Royalty of all Trades, or at least they think they are) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself
at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name,
and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the
Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.
" "Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the electrician sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter,
I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what?
I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm an electrician - the Royalty of all Trades??"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160
years old! God himself wants to see you!" The electrician is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says
"Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be
forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."

[TPC]

An Australian electrician (Royalty of all Trades, or at least they think they are) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself
at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name,
and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the
Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.
" "Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the electrician sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter,
I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what?
I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm an electrician - the Royalty of all Trades??"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160
years old! God himself wants to see you!" The electrician is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says
"Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be
forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."

That could work with a lot of trades.

[jack]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ... back and forth ... back and forth ...
in and out ... in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"OK, OK! I can't park the f***ing car! You do it!

[jack]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...

[Gecko17]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

… She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

[firm351]

A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll
handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"i told her, "first class isn't going to toronto."

[Gecko17]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

[mudnut]

Our dog was a bit cranky, and would occasionally snap at our visitors. One day he took a passing bite at my Mother-In-Laws leg, and for the first time in his life, he drew blood. Needless to say, that after MIL got home from the doctor, she insisted that our dog was dangerous and should be put to sleep. After many tears and goodbyes, I took the dog to get the sad deed done. The vet, a burly bloke, asked why I had to put the dog down. After he heard the tale, he scowled at me as he prepared the needle and said, "I reckon you're putting the wrong one down!"

[Gecko17]

Note: This is an exact transcript of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

Woman Radio Host: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

General Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

Woman Radio Host: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

General Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

Woman Radio Host: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

General Reinwald: "I don't see how, "We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Woman Radio Host: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

General Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[Avo]

You had to look. Didn't you!!

yes...of course I did.

[Avo]

started thinking that the wife was having an affair,all the usual signs I could think of.
coming home late...she reckons heaps of catch up work to do,the phone would ring if she answered she'd walk outside and if I answered the call would be hung up sometimes..anyway the other night while she had to stay back again I thought I'd keep an eye out.The car she gets a lift home in pulls up.so I jump behind my Nissan in the garage I've been working on all day, she leans across and I swear she is kissing the person,she opens the door and she drops something...once again I swear there her knickers..I gasp in shock ,she spins around and I crouch down even lower....Now at this point I see a crack in the manifold,is this something I can get welded or should I just replace the whole thing..

[firm351]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are.. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[Gecko17]

Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to the others, "My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces."

"Ha!" said the Admiral, "My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it."

The Admiral calls a Seaman over from the tower. He tells the seaman, "I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the seaman yells and proceeds to climb the tower. The seaman walks to the edge, yells "Hoo-ahh!" and jumps off the tower. He is killed instantly upon impact.

"That's nothing," the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a Senior Airman over. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute and I want you to do it with style."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact.

"Hmmph," the Marine growled. "Ya'll obviously forgot the Marine Corps were here," he said (yelling "Marine Corps!" as all Marines tend to do.)

He calls a Lance Corporal over. "Marine, I want you to jump off that tower and make the Corps proud!"

The Corporal yells, "Ooh-rah!", by way of response and runs to the tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two grenades into the air, yells "Semper Fi Do or Die!" and jumps off. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air, clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades. When the smoke clears, only little pieces of the Marine are left.

The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration. Then the Army general says, "That's nothing." The others turn to face the general, their faces in disbelief. The Army general calls a private over who was cleaning latrines. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute."

The private looks the general in the face and says, "Screw you! You kiss my ass first!" and walks off.

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S courage!"

[Bush Ranger]

Three mice were in a pub, all bragging how tough they are. The first mouse says ``I`m so tough, I steal the cheese from a mouse trap and eat it, then set it off and bench press the spring trap 10 times. The second mouse tells the other two that he`s tougher than that. `` I eat a bowl of Ratsak for break fast seven days a week. The third mouse gets off his stool and starts heading for the door. The other two mice ask him where he`s going. He says `` I`m sick of the bull shit and going home to root the cat.``

[stevecahoonz]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?




Because they taste funny!

Hahahahaha

[Gecko17]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

[Mac73]

An old bloke is sitting on his front porch when he sees a boy walking along the road dragging something behind him.
“what you got there son?” he asks
“chicken wire” replies the boy
“what you doing with it?”
“I’m gonna catch some chickens”
The old bloke laughs and watches him walk on. Soon after the boy comes back the other way carrying some chickens! The old bloke cannot believe his eyes.

The next day he’s sitting out there again when the boy once again walks past carrying something.
“what you got there son?” he asks
“Duct tape” says the boy
“what you doing with it?”
“gonna catch some ducks”
Once again the old bloke laughs and once again soon after the boy comes back past carrying an armful of ducks. The old bloke again cannot believe what he’s seeing.

The next day the young kid comes past once again carrying something in his hand.
“what you got there son?” he asks
“Pussy willow” says the boy
The old bloke jumps to his feet and says
“hold on two seconds I’ll get me hat”

[Mac73]

I was on the train this morning and an absolutely gorgeous Thai woman got on and sat across from me, as I stared at her I was thinking over and over to myself, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection.

but she did!

[Bush Ranger]

A bloke comes home after a hard days work, has a shower and gets ready for dinner. The grub was already on the table by the time he arrives when he sits down. He looks about the table and asks where`s the fork n knife? The wife ambles over to the table, swipes the dinner of it and throws it in to the bin. Then she says `` If you gunna talk like that, go get your own fork n dinner.``

[Winnie]

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who can count in binary, and those who can't.

[Gecko17]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions,"he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand andwhispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

[threedogs]

two nuns in a cellar one says wears the candle? the other nun replies yes

[BigRAWesty]

two nuns in a cellar one says wears the candle? the other nun replies yes

Are you on those good pills again???:confused:

[Bush Ranger]

A bloke walks into a doctors room with a poached egg and a rasher of bacon on his forehead. He says `` Hey doc, it`s about my brother.``

[TPC]

two nuns in a cellar one says wears the candle? the other nun replies yes

I have heard a different variation... Two lesbians in the shower, one said "where's the soap", the other said "sure does".

[firm351]

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

[Bob]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who
liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the
shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread,
he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please,"
the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach
the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided
with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had
better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of
bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and
requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins
to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares
at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man
standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she
yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

[BigRAWesty]

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

Good old Kevin bloody Wilson..

[P4trol]

On a typical forum, a question is posed:

"How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?"

The following statistics were drawn from the responses:


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section


7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether its "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another
6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term
is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URLs

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didnt we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.


;D ;D

[Winnie]

I reckon threedogs could have that conversation with himself.

[TPC]

I love it, bloody funny and true.

[taslucas]

On a typical forum, a question is posed:

"How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?"

The following statistics were drawn from the responses:

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether its "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another
6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term
is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URLs

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didnt we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

;D ;D

Bloody perfect mate!!

"me too"
Hahaha

[Gecko17]

A doctor asks a pregnant prostitute "Do you know who the father is?"

Prostitute replies, "Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of baked beans, would you know which one made you fart?"

[Bush Ranger]

What`s the difference between a magicians wand and a police mans baton? (The baton could be changed to a Taser in this day and age).
The magicians wand is for cunning stunts.

What`s the difference between a Swedish milk maid and a prostitute.
The milk maid is fair and buxom.

[Wine_maker]

Sometimes, when I write a letter to our partners to someone of them I really want to write - Deer Tom ....

[Bush Ranger]

Little Johnny farted in class one day and the teacher said `` Stop that Johnny``.
Little Johnny says `` Which way did it go miss?``

[firm351]

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you
know?'

Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.

How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... how do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being
played,Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ....


I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes!'.

[BigRAWesty]

Ya can never stay mad at Dog...

[clubbyr8]

Apologies if this has been posted before......

A brunette walked into a room and saw her blonde friend whooping and hollering.
“What’s the matter?” The brunette inquired.
“Nothing at all. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The blonde beamed.
“How long did it take you?”
“Well, the box said ’3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”

[MEGOMONSTER]

45400 Courtesy of FB from my missus.

[AB]

I just remembered this...


Some of you may have seen some photos I put up of our family crossing the simmo in the late 80's and one photo in particular of my old man proud as punch Russel coight style doing a pose.

Winnie and I did a reenactment of the scene whilst up there....absolute pisser!!!

[93patrol]

One Monday morning Shane the postman was

Riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.



As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.



His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine

And spirit bottles for the recycling bin.







'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.



David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt

Like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the

Neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around

Midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'



The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'



Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet

With only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to

Guess who it is..'



The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'





'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'

[NP99]

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[Hardyards]

Wife and I were overseas recently, and visited a small local zoo hidden behind a tall straw fence.
We payed for two entries and went in. We walked around acres of empty paddocks and busted, empty cages.
Finally, just near the exit we saw a small dog in a create...................... it was a Shih Tzu!

[Hardyards]

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left,
the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, and the statistician yells, ‘We got ‘im!’ ”

[mudnut]

Beware Dad joke ahead...

A huge crowd went to the Music Bowl to see a rock concert. Halfway through a song the power dropped out. The electricians sprang into action, but couldn't fix the the problem. The crowd were getting a bit upset and were starting to carry on a bit in the near darkness. All of a sudden a small bloke jumped up on the stage and waved his hands for the crowd to settle.

When it was quite he raised his voice, "Everyone raise your hands in the air!''

The power magically came back, the and everyone cheered loudly in the brightness. As the little fellow walked off the stage, an electrician asked him how the power was restored.

The bloke smiled and said, "Confucius say, many hands make light work."

[NP99]

Talking to a mate, down the club. He mentioned he had a mate, in the Army, but could not understand the Army lingo. Simple, I sez,


" All the people in the Army are soldiers, all privates are soldiers, but not all soldiers are privates. Some are Officers who are commissioned, but some are officers who are not commissioned. Obviously if every private was called private it would be confusing, so some privates are called things like trooper, driver, gunner, craftsman, sapper or signaller. Not all the drivers actually drive because some of them cook, but they are not called cooks, for that matter, not all drivers are called drivers.- some of them are called privates or gunners. Gunners as you know, are the men who fire guns, unless of course they are drivers or signallers just to make it clearer. All gunners belong to the Artillery, except that in the Infantry there are gunners who are called privates because they fire a different sort of gun , for the same reason the Army call the drivers & signallers private as well


Well, my mate reached for another rum, & I went on. A lance corporal is called corporal, unless he is a lance bombardier, then he is called bombardier to distinguish him from a full bombardier, who is just like a corporal. All other ranks are called by their rank for the sake of simplicity except that staff Sgt's are called staff, but they are not on the staff. Some warrant officers , who are not officers , are called Sgt Major, although they are not Sgts. or Majors. Some Warrant Officers are called Mister, which is the same thing some officers are called, but they are not Warrant Officers. Lieutenants are also called mister because they are subalterns, but their rank is always written as Lieutenant, or Second Lieutenant, and second comes before first.


My mate started drinking double rums, which was a bit strange .I went on. When we talk about groups of soldiers there obviously has to be clear distinction. They are called Officers & soldiers although we know that Officers are soldiers too, sometimes we talk about Officers and other ranks, which is the same as calling them soldiers. I guess it is easiest when we talk about rank & file which is all the troops on parade except the Officers & some of the NCO's- & a few of the privates- and the term is used whether everyone is on parade or not. A large group is called a Battalion, unless it is a regiment but sometimes a regiment is much bigger than a Battalion and then it has nothing to do with the other sort of regiment. Sub units are called companies unless they are squadrons or troops or batteries for that matter. That is not radio batteries & don't confuse this type of troop with the type who are soldiers, but not Officers.


My mate started to slowly hit his head against the bar. I've seen that happen with rum drinkers. So, I went on. Mostly the Army is divided into Corps as well as units, not the sort of Corps which is a couple of divisions but the sort which tells you straight away what trade each man performs, whether he is a tradesman or not. The Infantry Corps has all the infantrymen for example & the Artillery Corps has all the gunners. Both these Corps also have signallers and drivers except those who are in the Signals or Transport Corps. Both those Corps provide a special service and that's why the Transport Corps provides cooks. In fact the Signals Corp is not a service at all because it is an an arm. Arms do all the fighting, although signals don't have to fight too much, rather like engineers who are also an arm, but they don't fight too much either.


I looked at my mate, he was quietly sobbing into his triple rum. I didn't know he loved the Army that much. Cant wait to explain the Australian tax system to him. Bit more complicated than the Army though.

[Punderhead]

An Aussie, an American, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Vietnamese, an Englishman, a kiwi, an African, an Egyptian, a Frenchman, a German, and an Irishman are walking into a fancy restaurant. The waiter takes one look at the group and says



"I'm sorry, but you can't come in without a Thai!

Cheers

[NP99]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

[NP99]

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

[NP99]

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still f*cking!"

[NP99]

Chuck Norris isn't even that great. If he was so great, he would come up behind me right now and slam my head on the keybswuhowdbfoecn ejefj cjehcefj.

[mudnut]

Another Dad joke..

A bloke went to an interview for a job as a handyman at a retirement home.

The boss asked him, "Can you do electrical work?"

"No", replied the bloke.

"Are you good at carpentry?"

"Not really", he shrugged.

"How about painting?"

"Um, no," the bloke grimaced.

"Why did you apply for the job as a handyman, then?" the boss frowned.

"Oh, that's easy. I live just around the corner."

[Clunk]

Police have today searched Cliff Richards house and have so far found a devil woman, a living doll and a bachelor boy. They were unable to interview him as he is on his summer holiday with some young ones. Police have however, confirmed Carrie doesn't live there anymore.























Too soon?