Depression

[MudRunnerTD]

G'day all. Just thought I'd throw a party up here. Not really sure where to begin but I felt like "over" sharing tonight.

This covid seperation bullshit has really gotten the better of me and lately I've been struggling.

For what it's worth I've suffered depression most of my adult life, pretty much since the age of 13 I've struggled with life. I've attempted suicide several times, from cutting myself to attempting to hang myself at my very lowest. For what it's worth, the rope broke, so I'm still here thankfully.

The last 18 months have been extremely hard in my mind, I've seen my local gp, been referred to a clinical psychologist, been prescribed anti depressants, gone off any depressants, and dealt with mental anguish on a daily basis that my doctor describes as PTSD, mainly from bullying in my formative years but is exacerbated by recent challenging workplace situations.

My drive these days is my family, and my kids especially, knowing that they would very much suffer if I wasn't around. I see the joy in my eldest when I spend time with her and it reminds me everytime that if I weren't around how selfish it would be of me.

My friendships of decades are stained at the moment, due to the lockdown situation and distance, I have considered moving back closer to them several times but it just isn't feasible due to the restate market up there. It would just mean that my kids would miss out on the environment we have here in Victoria and I'm not willing to sacrifice that for their sake.

My local friends have become distant, although I've known some for a reasonable amount of time, I don't think our relationship is cemented enough to warrant their thought it inclusion in the current climate.

All this has really amplified my personal insecurities and I'm constantly doubting myself and second guessing my decisions. I spend alot of time driving for my job and time on my own to think about these things are really not great for my mental health.

Not sure where I'm going with this, there isn't any happy ending at the moment. I'm just hoping that with the reopening of be l borders we will be able to get back to some sort of normalcy, and I'll be able to push through this current low part of my life.

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Hey Nicco, Sorry to read this mate. It has certainly been a tough couple of years for all mate with the Covid lockdowns in Vic. You and i know this and many guys on this forum have done it hard. Mental Health is a very difficult thing to manage and many suffer in many ways. I'm here for you any time mate. happy to take a call and have a chat. you know any of the blokes here would welcome you at the fire mate. Make the calls or take the calls, makes no difference, have the chat.

I really want to comment here about your concern around your Local Friends lack of inclusion, and or the strength of your relationships mate. You should not doubt yourself mate, its not fair to you or to any of the local guys here. I consider you a great bloke and you'd be welcome around any fire i sat at mate. Your family is awesome and you are making your way. Lift your head up and straighten your shoulders brother, you are doing a great job.

Im concerned about your comments relating to local mates and assume this may be a reference to the Sneaky High Country trip i posted in the Happy Thread and i really need to address this mate. I need to address this to put your mind at ease and also ensure that my mental health is supported and i dont tear myself down thinking i have missed a step or that i made you feel excluded. This truly was never the intent and never ever purposefully crossed my mind. I can tell you this though, you are not the only Local that has expressed disappointment in not being invited to this gig. It never really was a gig mate.

I started a very small group chat with 4 mates on messenger 6 or 7 years ago that started with a joke or 2, a funny meme and a let's chat, it evolved into My Safe Place. A core group of mates that met on these pages that have told each other plenty in a Safe zone away from Wife, family, work. It evolved into a very tight group of blokes that have been to that edge together and been there in the middle of the night when they are needed. Made those phone calls to drag a mate up off his ass and get his head straight. I never ever thought i would cherish a Messenger Chat as much as i do that one. Each one of the blokes has had his share of shit to deal with and each of the other blokes have just been there as a Shoulder or a Boot. I can tell you mate that it is a safe room. I did not really give much thought to the guys i added to a group post all those years ago but i really never ever thought that 7 years later it would be as important to me as it is. I can tell you it drives my Missus mental sometimes. "You talk to those blokes more than you talk to me " The only thing we have in common is Nissan Patrols.... I thought! But it really is my Mens Shed. I have thought about adding guys but im scared shittless of breaking the dynamics so i havent and i wont. I love these guys like my Brothers. We each and all have promised ourselves that stuff that should be on the forum goes on the forum, the Mates Chat and support goes in the chat. I was told off in the Chat for not sharing all my research about Y62s on the forum so i started sharing here rather than there.

My point though is this. The State of Victoria has been locked in a room longer than any other City in the World, as soon as the Lockdown was lifted our chat focused on "Its Time Gents! Lets GO!" It was as Short sighted as that. 5 Blokes locked up for 2 years with a constant chat going that said NOW in Unison. We Decided 10 days ago that the Long Weekend (The first weekend out of lock down) was a very very bad idea. Thank god we did. Butcher Country Track had a 50 car traffic jam on it on Melb Cup weekend.We went a week later and did not see another car Anywhere in the High Country between 8am Saturday and 4pm Monday, Not 1. Anywhere. To be honest it did not cross my mind that we should have a 20 car Forum trip 1st weekend out mate. It was more "Lets get the Band back together". Our Special Secret Spot is a very tough drive in and really is a 35s and Himount kind of location and 3 cars had to winch into camp. I Left home early Friday morning for a 4 day trip as a Navi with Rossco, Matty in the GU was a NO right up until about 4pm Friday after i begged him to come. I did really want him to just jump in with MB but we had left well and truly. Matty in his new pride and joy had to be skull dragged up half of the final track and then winched up by AB's HiMount for the last section. It was pretty brutal on his car. silly bugger. he definitely went home with new battle scars on his Brand New paintwork.

There will be time enough for all of us mate, i promise. everyone on this forum is chomping at the bit to get out. This trip evolved from our tight chat and we all had blinkers on mate. Lets go Right now that is all. Nobody was excluded mate, we just did not look sideways bud. There really was No Intent to exclude anyone. Those that have got this far in my dribble and also disappointed at not making the list.... There was No List.

I can honestly say that i did not at any time think "Should we invite anyone else?" It did not even cross my mind mate. Sorry i feel bad. i sincerely apologies to you and others. There was No Intent. Small trip, Hard location, No time, Lets go. I did Not take the 62. No Chance.

I dont know if this helps you or hinders you mate, sorry bud. I am terrible for dwelling on stuff and my worst enemy is the voice in my head. I too see a Counsellor every 4 or 5 weeks and have done for 4 years. This is not a failing, your mental state is not a failure. You are a great guy. There will be plenty more trips mate. How do you reckon i went explaining to my 10yo daughter that i was going camping without her. She found out on a group chat with her friends on Messenger for Kids! She was pretty pissed. We will find the time mate, i promise.

Happy to chat any time mate.