The Joke Thread

[fixer982]

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[fixer982]

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[fixer982]

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[snicko]

A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen. They go on a ride and come back pleased.

"This horse is great! From now on I'll always take this one" said the first cop.

"My horse's great too. So I'll always take it" replied the second cop.

"But how do we know which is which?"

They though for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea.

"Lets cut off this ones tail"

The other cop agreed and the horse lost it's tail.

The next morning The police chief is standing infront of the horses and looks really mad.

The two cops see this and ask whats wrong.

"You two morons cut off the horses tail that's what's wrong!"

"But otherwise we couldn't tell them apart."

"Can't you see the black one is a bit taller then the brown one.?!"

[the ferret]

MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE

'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.

The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop up your firewood?'
'Yep.'
'Happy Birthday', mate!

[katwoman]

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing me I can have sex at 82 !
I'm so very happy, because I live at 74,
so it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

[Bob]

A guy went to the Dentist to have a tooth extracted and when the Dentist went to give him a needle the Guy said dont bother as he had suffered the two greatest Pains known to mankind.

The Dentist said Ok and proceeded to extract the Tooth which proved a little difficult and he had to cut the Gum as the Tooth smashed in half. The Guy in the Dentist Chair di not even flinch.

As the Dentist was cleaning up he said to the Patient "That was amazing as you did not show any discomfort at all. Now tell me what were the two most terrible Pains that you suffered "

The Patient said well the second most terrible Pain was when I was out in the Bush one day when I had to go to the Toilet and when I squatted down I sat on a Rabbit Trap which caught me on the Testicles.

The Dentist said Bloody hell that would have hurt and what was the most terrible Pain.

The Patient said
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When I hit the end of the Chain

[Bob]

A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.
He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”
The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”

[Spock]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'this is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Sheesh!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of chips, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[Spock]

A woman goes into Myer to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to
The counter.
The Myer salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
Counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
Sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
And 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
This week for $44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
Dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At
First she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind
Salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was
On sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?"
The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."