The Joke Thread

[mudnut]

A triple zero operator gets a call
" Triple zero how can I help you?"

No one answers, but she could hear
breathing. "Are you there?"

"Yes," whispered a very young voice.

"Can I speak to your mother?"

"No," whispered the voice.

"Why not?"

"She's very busy."

"Can I speak to you father?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"He's very busy too," the voice was barely
audible.

"What is your father doing?'

"Talking to the policeman."

"Ohh, so the Police are there. Can I talk
to one of the policeman?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"They're very busy too."

"What are they doing?"

"Talking to the firemen."

"May I speak to one of the firemen?"

"No."

"why not?"

"All of them are very busy as well."

"What are they all doing?"

"Looking for me."

[Alitis007]

ImageUploadedByTapatalk1435019272.362102.jpg..............

[Bob]

Nowadays you need a fixed telephone line only to find your smartphone.

[growler2058]

Sent from my iPhone using My thumbs

[4bye4]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[Chubba]

Two flys land on a piece of poo. They taste it and it tasted good so they go ahead and start eating. After about five minutes the first fly lets rip a fart. The second fly looks up at the first fly and says
"Do you mind not farting while I'm eating."

[Bush Ranger]

Two vomits were going past a pub in the big smoke and one says to the other ` I was brought up here`.

[Bob]

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?” "I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.” “Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?” ”Who said my Dad’s dead?” The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?” “He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.” “Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?” ”Who said my grandpa’s dead?” Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?” “He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?” “No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.” At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?” ”Who said he wanted to?”

[4bye4]

Quiz: ARE YOU A MALE OR A FEMALE?
NOT SURE??
(HAVE A LOOK FURTHER DOWN TO FIND OUT...)









NOT IN THE POST YOU IDIOT

[Bob]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"