The Joke Thread

[mudnut]

Maybe Col Elliot, but not sure...


Mick and Paddy were picking up odd jobs as they were travelling Aus. They came across a sign which read: TREE FELLERS WANTED.

Mick turns turns to Paddy and says, "Maybe we shouldn't apply, 'cause there's only two of us."

[Clunk]

A woman walks into the City Centrelink office,
in Hervey Bay trailed by 15 kids . . .

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?'

'Yeah, they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs,
having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to
find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be
here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one, he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but
continues. One by one, through the oldest
four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl,
named Terri.

'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing
a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it
easier. When it is time to get them out of bed
and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when
it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they
all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid
who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry'
and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea
I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then
wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But
what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
the whole bunch

'I call them by their surnames!'

[Bob]

On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a time.

..No one moves.

..He removes his shirt.

..Muscles ripple across his chest.

..She gasps...

..He whispers:

"Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

[growler2058]

[Bob]

TWO tigers are walking through the jungle when the one at the back licks the behind of the one in front.
The lead tiger turns and says: "Hey, cut it out." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
Five minutes later the rear tiger licks the other's backside again.
The front tiger gets angry, but the other tiger just apologises.
After another five minutes, he does it again.
The front tiger turns and says: "What is it with you? I told you to stop."
The other tiger says: "I really am sorry but I just ate a Politician and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

[Bob]

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest baddest bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

[firm351]

A kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep.

He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.

[Bob]

After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”

[Bob]

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great!


With apologies to Kat and the other female members. I don't really think like that but I thought this was funny

[P4trol]

No Nativity Scene in Canberra this Year

*The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation’s Capital this Christmas* season.This isn't for any religious reason.They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra ...

The search for a Virgin continues.....

There was no problem, however, finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.