The Joke Thread

[ambition]

A little girl came home from school and asked her mum if babies came out of the same place that the boys put their willy's?

Relieved that she didn't have to explain the whole thing, the mum says "Yes, that's right. They come out of exactly the same place."

The little girl then looks puzzled and then asks..."But won't that knock my teeth out?"

[ambition]

My lesbian neighbours gave me a rolex for christmas.

That was nice of them and all, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch".

[ambition]

Why are the soles of an elephant's feet yellow?

So they can hide upside down in bowls of custard.






.......




Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of custard?

See? Works awesome huh?

[Bob]

A man wrote a letter to the Taxation Office: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00.
If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”

[katwoman]

Tim died in a fire and was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed some one to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Nowoolies and Clunk.The 3 men had always done everything together.
Nowoolies arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Nowoolies said ' Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Nowoolies said ' Nope, ain't Tim.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he bought Clunk in to confirm the identity of the body.
Clunk looked at the body and said, ' Yup, he pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Clunk said ' No, it ain't Tim.'
The mortician asked 'How can you tell?'
Clunk said, 'Well, Tim had two a$$holes.'
'What ? He had two a$$holes ?' Asked the mortician
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Tim with the two a$$holes.'

[nowoolies]

Tim died in a fire and was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed some one to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Nowoolies and Clunk.The 3 men had always done everything together.
Nowoolies arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Nowoolies said ' Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Nowoolies said ' Nope, ain't Tim.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he bought Clunk in to confirm the identity of the body.
Clunk looked at the body and said, ' Yup, he pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Clunk said ' No, it ain't Tim.'
The mortician asked 'How can you tell?'
Clunk said, 'Well, Tim had two a$$holes.'
'What ? He had two a$$holes ?' Asked the mortician
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Tim with the two a$$holes.'

hardy hardy ha ha ha

[Bob]

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[gec]

When the wife leaned over to pull weeds from their garden, the husband said, "Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's bigger than the barbecue."
While she complained, he grabbed a tape measure from the garage, measured the grill, then measured his wife.
"Yep! Two inches wider than the grill!"
She said nothing.
But that night, in bed, when he felt frisky, she brushed him off.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little wiener!?"

[Bob]

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you
guys."

[Spock]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."


2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."


4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."


5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."


6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."


7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."


8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."


9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."


10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."


11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants- It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."