The Joke Thread

[MEGOMONSTER]

That's not punny!

Now that's funny.

[snicko]

Not sure if this has been posted before..anyway................


The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting his coat on. His wife, seeing his unexpected behaviour, asks, "And where do you think you are going?"

He replies, "I'm off to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Hearing this the wife starts struggling to get out of her rocker, she then slowly goes to the cupboard and starts to put on her coat.

The husband now looks mystified and starts to yell at his wife. He says, "And where on earth do you think you are going?


“Oh” she answers, "I'm off to the doctor, too."


He says, "Why, what do you need a doctor for?"


She says, "Well if you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

[MEGOMONSTER]

Not sure if this has been posted before..anyway................ The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting his coat on. His wife, seeing his unexpected behaviour, asks, "And where do you think you are going?" He replies, "I'm off to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." Hearing this the wife starts struggling to get out of her rocker, she then slowly goes to the cupboard and starts to put on her coat. The husband now looks mystified and starts to yell at his wife. He says, "And where on earth do you think you are going? “Oh” she answers, "I'm off to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need a doctor for?" She says, "Well if you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

I can just imagine 96 year old gran saying that, then cackling quietly to herself.

[NP99]

Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mum was eating that banana.

[MEGOMONSTER]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[firm351]

Back during the Iraq war, and George W Bush in the Whitehouse.

Donald Rumsfeld was finishing an afternoon briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh, and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hung open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Rumsfeld, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a brazilian?"

[NP99]

Back during the Iraq war, and George W Bush in the Whitehouse.

Donald Rumsfeld was finishing an afternoon briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh, and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hung open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Rumsfeld, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a brazilian?"

What scares me is that was probably a true story

[Bush Ranger]

Little Johnny farted in class one day. The teacher said `` Stop that Johnny``. Johnny stood up and said ``Which way did it go miss?``

[NP99]

Teacher was asking her pupils what their daddies did for a living one day. Little Suzy was first up, and said, "well, my daddy teaches quantum physics at Auckland University." Impressed, teacher says "well done, Suzy, well done.
Little Bob jumps up next, and says, "well, my daddy is an economist working for Deutsche Bank, and can accurately predict what the stock market is going to do next".
Teacher looks really impressed, and says, "that's amazing, Bob, well done."
Little Johnny is next to speak.
"Well, my daddy's not living at home. He's serving a stretch at Parry (a maximum security prison in Auckland) for murder. He's openly gay, and earns his money being a bitch to the Mongrel Mob boys."
After class, teacher pulls Johnny aside and says "It's really sad to hear that about your father, Johnny"
"Oh, Miss, thats OK, I lied. He isn't any of those things. I just didn't want to tell the class he drove a GQ".

[NP99]

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the GQ,YOU ride in it!!!"