The Joke Thread

[ova50]

Sometimes we find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt, sole owners of the fertilizer company, Needeep N. Schitt Pty Ltd.
Jack married his childhood sweetheart, Noe.

They had 6 children, 4 Sons, Deep Schitt, Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt and Bull Schitt. Their 2 daughters were, Giva Schitt and Hollie Schitt
Against her parents' objections, Hollie Schitt married her second cousin, Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout, and had 2 children, son Loda, and a daughter with a nervous disposition, they named Chicken.

Jack and Noe Schitt divorced after about 15 years. Noe later married Ted Sherlock, and she then became known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Two of the sons, Deep and Fulla, were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens sisters in a dual ceremony.
Details in the newspapers at the time, announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
Deep Schitt had 2 sons, Dawg and Horse Schitt and Fulla had a daughter, Byrd Schitt.

Dip and Giva Schitt never married.

Bull Schitt, left home to tour the world and recently returned from overseas with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[mudnut]

mudnutette nearly Schitt herself laughing when I read that out, Ova50. XD

[Steve4wdin]

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about.'


The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.'

[Gecko17]

journalist interviewing Paul McCartney and John Lennon before a concert back in the 60's....

Journalist: "Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?

John Lennon: " Ringo Starr's not even the best drummer in the Beatles."....

[mudnut]

One of the kids asked me "Daddy, how does flint make sparks?" So I dutifully searched the internet and found some fantastic explanations about how when struck with a bit of sharp flint, the iron shatters a little. The resultant tiny pieces of iron immediately react with oxygen and ignite, creating sparks. Fantastic stuff. The next question was, "Daddy, how does tinder work?" believe me folks, you really don't want to type in 'How tinder works?' on Google chrome....

[BigRAWesty]

One of the kids asked me "Daddy, how does flint make sparks?" So I dutifully searched the internet and found some fantastic explanations about how when struck with a bit of sharp flint, the iron shatters a little. The resultant tiny pieces of iron immediately react with oxygen and ignite, creating sparks. Fantastic stuff. The next question was, "Daddy, how does tinder work?" believe me folks, you really don't want to type in 'How does tinder work?' on Google chrome....

You get a site to get a women in the kitchen...

[mudnut]

You had to look. Didn't you!!

[taslucas]

You get a site to get a women in the kitchen...

You're using it wrong mate!

[Bush Ranger]

Little Susie goes out to her father who is in the shed and asks`` Dad, what is sex?``. He thought here we go and how do I get out of this. ``Well Susie, When mum and dad love each other so much, they make love.`` He goes in to great detail on how they reproduce with their sexual organs etc etc and little Susies` eyes get bigger and bigger as the story unfolds. After the story ends, the father says ``Why do you ask Susie?`` Susie says ``Well mum says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.``

[Gecko17]

In Honour of Stupid People . . ...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
Consumer goods.


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well,...duh, a bit late, huh!)


==========================


On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)

===========================


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


==========================

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????....)


=======================

On a Sears hair dryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

====================================

On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


===========================

On a bar of Dial soap --
'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???.....)


============================


On some Swanson frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's justa suggestion.)


========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)



==============================


On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???.....)


==============================


On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)


==========================

On a Japanese food processor --
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)


===========================


On a child's Superman costume --
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


========================

On a Swedish chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my Goodness..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)



****Blessed are the cracked:
for it is they who let in the light*****