The Joke Thread

[Ben-e-boy]

Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart?**

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'(Shane Wakelin).

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.'(Barry Hall Sydney captain at training).

Brock Maclean (Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: 'I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to.

''He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals v. Day Games: 'It's basically the same, just darker.

'Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.

'Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season:'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.

''Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'(Dermott Brereton).

' Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'(Mark Williams). [At least this one could have been ironic]

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.'(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'(Luke Darcy).

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was identical.'(Dermott Brereton).

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.'(Adrian Anderson).

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.(Andrew Demetriou).

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.'(Dermott Brereton).

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.'(Terry Wallace)

.Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?David Swartz: 'On what?

''Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'(Dermott Brereton).

'Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'(Dermott Brereton)

.And from the mouth of North Melbourne's Wayne Carey:"Tell me, Wayne, did you get your nickname, The Duck, because of your gait?""No, it's because of the way I walk."-

When Wayne was telling teammates about the house he had just bought, he was particularly proud that the kitchen featured a lot of timber in the way of cupboards and benches.Said a teammate: "Is it in Baltic pine?""No, in Keilor,"** (Keilor is a Melbourne suburb, for benefit of interstate and overseas readers)

[Bob]

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.
He heard one girl say to the other; “Nine.”
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.
“Sorry to spoil your evening,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German”

[Bob]

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

[liftlid]

Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart?**

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'(Shane Wakelin).

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.'(Barry Hall Sydney captain at training).

Brock Maclean (Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: 'I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to.

''He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals v. Day Games: 'It's basically the same, just darker.

'Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.

'Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season:'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.

''Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'(Dermott Brereton).

' Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'(Mark Williams). [At least this one could have been ironic]

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.'(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'(Luke Darcy).

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was identical.'(Dermott Brereton).

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.'(Adrian Anderson).

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.(Andrew Demetriou).

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.'(Dermott Brereton).

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.'(Terry Wallace)

.Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?David Swartz: 'On what?

''Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'(Dermott Brereton).

'Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'(Dermott Brereton)

.And from the mouth of North Melbourne's Wayne Carey:"Tell me, Wayne, did you get your nickname, The Duck, because of your gait?""No, it's because of the way I walk."-

When Wayne was telling teammates about the house he had just bought, he was particularly proud that the kitchen featured a lot of timber in the way of cupboards and benches.Said a teammate: "Is it in Baltic pine?""No, in Keilor,"** (Keilor is a Melbourne suburb, for benefit of interstate and overseas readers)

At least they can talk!
Sometimes they shouldn't though!

[BigRAWesty]

The Titanic.
Goes down on the first date and swallows all the seaman...

[Bob]

In the beginning God created Earth and rested
Then he created Man and rested
God then created Woman
Since then neither God nor Man has rested

[Wine_maker]

[Wine_maker]

[ova50]

A Doctor was addressing an audience at my local club.
"Years ago, the foods we put into our stomachs would have been enough to have killed most of us sitting here if not for medicine".
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water".
"However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have probably eaten it, or will eat it".
He then asked the audience if anyone could name the food that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it.
A guy in the audience jumed up and yelled “Wedding Cake.”

[Bob]

The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.

At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in GST on a ten-dollar sale !"

Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.

Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE