The Joke Thread

[fixer982]

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Bob]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.

One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following:

“After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless.”

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.

[belzi82]

Yesterday a mate was having some work done at the car dealers. A woman came in and asked for a Seven-Hundred-Ten.

They all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece In the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one.

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had the bonnet up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

Now look at the photo to learn what a 710 is.

http://tinyurl.com/6nr3ong

[Wine_maker]

A little adult humor!

I don't say that you are hooker! But if your vagina will have password it will be 12345.

[gec]

.


Dementia quiz



first question:

You are a participant in a race. You overtake
the second person. What position are you in?





~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~








answer : If you answered that you are first,
then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the
second person and you take his place, you are in second place!

Try to do better next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as
you took for the first question, ok?





Second question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are....?
(scroll down)




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~











answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are.....
Wrong again. Tell me sunshine, how can you overtake the last person??


You're not very good at this, are you?


Third question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note:
This must be done in your head only.
Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20 .. Now add another 1000.
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for the correct answer.....




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~








did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100...



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe...



Fourth question:

Mary's father has five daughters:

Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ???
What is the name of the fifth daughter?






~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~







did you answer nunu? No! Of course it isn't.
Her name is mary! Read the question again!







Okay, now the bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to
redeem yourself:





A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he
successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a
pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants?





~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~






it's really very simple
he opens his mouth and asks for it...
Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so do not let them see your answers for this test!



~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~


pass this on to frustrate the
smart people in your life!
Have a nice day, one and all.

[Clunk]

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."



Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"



A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!



Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.



Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"



Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

[fixer982]

One more.

GQ is a presidents car!

Looks like the sort of fella that would own one..LOL

[fixer982]

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said,'Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'
Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel!!!."

[fixer982]

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

[fixer982]

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?" "Yes!" Paddy replies. The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?" Paddy replies "I"m hoping its going to be time and a half.