The Joke Thread

[patch697]

Little Johnny:

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b%$ches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[patch697]

It's all in the name:

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

[nowoolies]

bugga ....now i gotta clean the coffee offa my keyboard

[ozzyboy]

My pet hamster died today... silly bastard fell asleep at the wheel . !!!!!!

[Wine_maker]

My pet hamster died today... silly bastard fell asleep at the wheel . !!!!!!

Real hamster must do 3 things in his life: eat, sleep and die.

[patch697]

A blond decides to take up sky diving.

In the classroom the skydiving instructor says 2 pull the parachute when you can recognize the faces of people on the ground...

The blond sticks here hand up & says, "But what if i don't know anybody down there"

[patch697]

I can't believe the crazy shit people do. I was sitting in church and this bitch next to me lit up a cigarette! I almost dropped my beer!

[patch697]

Have you ever wondered if that 5 dollar note in your hand was once in a strippers "G" string?

Well if you hadn't before, your wondering now............Your welcome.

[patch697]

What's the difference between a skydiver and a golfer?
A golfer goes "(whack), oh sh!t!". A skydiver goes "Oh sh!t, (whack)"

[patch697]

A Teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students this Question:

Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom??

... ... Michael:"Just a minute, I have to go pee.."

Teacher: That would be rude & impolite.. How about you Sam??

Sam said:"I really need to go to the Toilet, i'm sorry.."

Teacher: That's better but still not nice to say the word Toilet..
Oh you Little Johnny?? Can you use your brain??

Little Johnny said:"Darling, May i please be excused for a moment?? I've got to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom i hope to introduce to you after dinner."

"TEACHER FAINTED!!!"