The Joke Thread

[rottodiver]

A Christmas message for all you drinkers out there..... (some may have seen this)





I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I’m not sure where I got it from!

[Clunk]

A Christmas message for all you drinkers out there..... (some may have seen this)





I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I’m not sure where I got it from!

Sorry mate beat ya to it, couple of pages back ...... Lol

[rottodiver]

Sorry mate beat ya to it, couple of pages back ...... Lol

oh spew'n.... looks like i am the "JOKE
ok what about this one???

Centrelink Fairy




A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside
the Centrelink Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant
you three wishes, since you've
just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children -- all costs
to be borne by Australian Tax Payers.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't
have good teeth, so I
want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'



The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and PING !!! The
Asylum Seeker had a brand new

shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go!

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight
bedrooms - and a Gold Visa Card

in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who
still live in Sri Lanka. I want to bring
them all over here'

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a
three car garage, a long driveway,

a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full
of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke nowand
said "I want to be Australian

with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl, and I want to have
white skin like the Australians.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a
dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy

terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had
disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?
Where's my Visa Gold Card?'
Where is my BMW?

The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled
to sweet F@#k all, just like the rest of us".

And she disappeared........

[2TROLLFAM]

Oh dear!!!!!!!! lol

LOL what??? It's clean & funny
Plus I heard it on the radio this morning and had to chuckle

[patch697]

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"




When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:



"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

[patch697]

A man walks into his office on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
It reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"

Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"

Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor.

Expecting an apology he opens the e-mail.

It reads, "Want to buy some?"

[Clunk]

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:


"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower.
"Repeat after me: Our Father… Who art in Heaven… "

[Clunk]

Christmas is comin & my arse is gettin fat, I hate effin christmas & Santa is a twat. The credit crunch is on & times are really hard, so u can consider this your effin Christmas card!!!!!!! ' MERRY CHRISTMAS

[rottodiver]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.


The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...



"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days.

Before I kill you, I grant you three requests

What is your FIRST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."







The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."


"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, ..... alone."


The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,


"READ MY LIPS!!!!"

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...


"BRING POSSE" !!!

[growler2058]

hope the edit worked;-)