The Joke Thread

[fixer982]

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting twice his pay.
The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls it over his head and says, ..."Yep, diesel fitter."

[fixer982]

The new Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.


Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.".


"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."


So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two

million quid.


The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"


"Two million quid" replied the Pope.


"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper...

"They must have seen you coming................"

[nowoolies]

Teacher:


Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?



Little Johnny answered:



Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

[Bob]

There is only ONE WAY

[nowoolies]

There is only ONE WAY

where the blazes is this Bob

[fixer982]

Diary of a Perth Summer

August 31st:
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Perth!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th:
The temperature hasn’t been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the
AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:
It’s 35 degrees. Finally got the ol’ air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.

November 8th: If another wise arse cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car’s radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can’t live in this heat.

November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner’s gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Perth.

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f**king kidding me!!

[fixer982]

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 40km/h. He thinks, “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder.” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.


Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back.


The driver, confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”


“Madam,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”


“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Fourty kilometres in an hour,” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “40″ was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.


“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.


“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 195.”

[Woof]

Hi all, just noticed that some of our jokes here are borderline, please remember that this is a family forum and any jokes that are deemed a bit over the top will be removed without notification.
No being a spoiled sport, just doing my job.........thanks everyone.

[fixer982]

Hi all, just noticed that some of our jokes here are borderline, please remember that this is a family forum and any jokes that are deemed a bit over the top will be removed without notification.
No being a spoiled sport, just doing my job.........thanks everyone.

Is that one of mine you're referring to? I thought I had been pretty careful. Don't bite me, please, Dogman.

[Woof]

Is that one of mine you're referring to? I thought I had been pretty careful. Don't bite me, please, Dogman.

Just making everyone aware of the rules mate that's all................I will not say who's jokes have been borderline, but I will be watching and they will be disappearing if I or any of the other moderators feel that they are not suitable for our forum.
When I say "our" forum I mean everyone who is a member here.

OK time to get back to sharpening my teeth....lol