The Joke Thread

[Bob]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

[Nick74]

I was walking down the street the other day, and some woman came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian club
I was confused, I'd never seen herbivore





her be fore, geddit? .................................cough cough
I don't know why but this joke just cracks me up

[Woof]

I was walking down the street the other day, and some woman came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian club
I was confused, I'd never seen herbivore




her be fore, geddit? .................................cough cough
I don't know why but this joke just cracks me up

Love it Nick, those ones are the best ones mate........roflmao

[katwoman]

The next nissanpatrol.com.au T-shirt

[Bob]

An elderly gentleman is standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter addresses him: "All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into heaven"

The old man says, “No problem,” as he recounts to St. Peter that he once stopped at an intersection and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman.

He got out of his car, walked up to one of the bikers, who was over seven feet tall and must have weighed nearly 400 pounds, and told the biker that abusing and harassing a woman is a cowardly act and that he would not tolerate it in his presence.

He then reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the groin to make a point.

St. Peter is frantically searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says, “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file. When did that happen?”

The old man looks down at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago.”

[fixer982]

teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah..'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Kimmy. Aunty Kimmy was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops..

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Kimmy when she's been drinking.'

[Bob]

Stating the bloody obvious

[fixer982]

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

[fixer982]

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was
"How are you getting on?"

[nowoolies]

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION [We'll call him TONY]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?''I 'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father , I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'