The Joke Thread

[patch697]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her
Students the following:
Teacher : "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
Would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael : "Just a minute I have to go pee."
Teacher : "That would be rude and impolite."
Teacher : "What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter : "I truly am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
Teacher : "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
Dinner table."
Teacher : "And you, Little Johnny , can you use your brains for once and show us your
Good manners?"
Little Johnny : "Darling, may I please be excused for a brief moment? I have to shake
Hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I am hoping you will get to meet after
Dinner."
The teacher fainted........

Full marks...................PML

[Bob]

Sandy McTavish had an old friend, Jock Murdock, who was quite ill. Sandy came to visit and Jock said, "Sandy, I've only a short time to live, I'm on my death bed lad." Sandy knew that and in a non-committal way he said, "Aye, that a' know old friend." Jock turned to Sandy and said, "Sandy, de ye nay ken that old bottle of Scotch that I hae been saving ah these years." Sandy, an aficionado, was immediately attentive and said, "Aye Jock, that I do." Jock said, "ye are guid friend and when I've passed I would have yee pour that Scotch on ma grave." Sandy was profoundly moved for his own reasons. After considering Jocks request for an agonizing period he brightened, turned to Jock. "Aye- aye Jock I'll de that for an old friend, but ye wouldna mind if I put it through my kidneys first."

[fixer982]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he made love?

"Tarzan not know love making," he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan first check for bees!"

[fixer982]

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch, and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation, and he puts up a sign that reads:

"WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returned to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads:

"NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

[Bob]

About time to Retire

[fixer982]

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

[patch697]

About time to Retire

hahahaha....... Oh yeah... Thats picture says retirement all over it ...lol

[Bob]

You want me to do What

[patch697]

You want me to do What

hahahahaha................ Love that one.........PML

[nowoolies]

INTERESTING OBSERVATION





1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.





2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.





3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.




4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.





5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....




6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Canberra playing marbles!