G'day all. Just thought I'd throw a party up here. Not really sure where to begin but I felt like "over" sharing tonight.
This covid seperation bullshit has really gotten the better of me and lately I've been struggling.
For what it's worth I've suffered depression most of my adult life, pretty much since the age of 13 I've struggled with life. I've attempted suicide several times, from cutting myself to attempting to hang myself at my very lowest. For what it's worth, the rope broke, so I'm still here thankfully.
The last 18 months have been extremely hard in my mind, I've seen my local gp, been referred to a clinical psychologist, been prescribed anti depressants, gone off any depressants, and dealt with mental anguish on a daily basis that my doctor describes as PTSD, mainly from bullying in my formative years but is exacerbated by recent challenging workplace situations.
My drive these days is my family, and my kids especially, knowing that they would very much suffer if I wasn't around. I see the joy in my eldest when I spend time with her and it reminds me everytime that if I weren't around how selfish it would be of me.
My friendships of decades are stained at the moment, due to the lockdown situation and distance, I have considered moving back closer to them several times but it just isn't feasible due to the restate market up there. It would just mean that my kids would miss out on the environment we have here in Victoria and I'm not willing to sacrifice that for their sake.
My local friends have become distant, although I've known some for a reasonable amount of time, I don't think our relationship is cemented enough to warrant their thought it inclusion in the current climate.
All this has really amplified my personal insecurities and I'm constantly doubting myself and second guessing my decisions. I spend alot of time driving for my job and time on my own to think about these things are really not great for my mental health.
Not sure where I'm going with this, there isn't any happy ending at the moment. I'm just hoping that with the reopening of be l borders we will be able to get back to some sort of normalcy, and I'll be able to push through this current low part of my life.
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