The Joke Thread

[Plasnart]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I
replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No”, she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

______________________________



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first ... the
shed, the boat, making beer.

Always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever
way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway"

The doctors say I will walk again, once my testicles descend, but I will
always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
"What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.

______________________________ __

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2
seconds."

I bought her bathroom scales.

And then the fight started.

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt"

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got
disability too."

And then the fight started.

______________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight's perfect."

And then the fight started.

______________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day! The
driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.