The Joke Thread

[Bigrig]

It seems Barrack Obama is not afraid to assist with menial chores, according to whitehouse staff. In a recent interview, one of them was quoted saying "he is the first president in history to ever take a Bin out"!!.

[snicko]

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

[Bigrig]

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Haha! Never a truer statement made!!! That's why God invented Jiffy Fire Lighters!!! lol

[Silver]

three long married blokes out fishing, when the bite slows, the conversation starts up.

Bloke 1 says 'you wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get out today, the lawns and edges and 3 shopping trips, one for clothes..... for her.'

Bloke 2 says 'That's nothing, I had to do entire list of jobs on the fridge, and help fix the in laws Tojo, again'

Bloke 3 says, 'You blokes want to change your approach. When the alarm goes off, I slap her on the rump, and say - what's it gunna be, fishing or sex. She says 'don't forget the sunscreen. ' '

[Bob]

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Bunnings.

[fixer982]

Osama Bin Laden and his son have been killed by American forces. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Take the Bins out."

So Osama Bin Laden is dead... Amazing what the Americans can do when the Playstation Network is down.

Elton John is to write a tribute song following Bin Laden's death. Sandals in the Bin.

Osama Bin Laden - World hide and seek champion 2001-2011

Osama Bin Laden's last words: So my new iPhone really WAS tracking my location...so much for Apple's Privacy promises...

Osama Bin Laden seeks out a fortune teller, since he knows there is a price on his head. The fortune teller says, "You will die on a major US holiday." Bin Laden says, "Which one?!" She replies, "Doesn't matter. Whatever day you die, it's gonna be a major US holiday�.
Breaking News 6 Irishmen have just drowned dancing on Bin Laden�s grave

[fixer982]

A bloke goes to the local Wanneroo council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the government before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 10 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,

"For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
There's no point in your coming in for that."

[fixer982]

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

[fixer982]

BBC News

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday
in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins
a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February
from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number
of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (
or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its
members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the
press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of
Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a
kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive
Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al
Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not
accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks
to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people
off. I don't like cutting benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my
staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, and
the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their
membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide
bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan
Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have
reconsidered their benefit packages.

[fixer982]

Julia Gillard's $16.4bn bid to revive health deal...



JULIA Gillard appears to have resuscitated Labor's stalled bid for health reform by offering the States $16.4 billion in return for their agreement to absolute transparency about how they spend the extra funding.


The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister Julia Gillard's Health Care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetist thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Canberra.