The Joke Thread

[Spock]

Apologies to any Irish members, couldn't help myself...



Well, 'daylight saving' had just ended and in the early hours of that morning
Paddy found his dyslectic mate, Seamus, covering his penis with black boot polish.
Paddy said, "You idiot - you're supposed to TURN YOUR CLOCK BACK."..............

[Bob]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

[Bob]

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

[timbar]

Donald Duck walks in to his local chemist to buy some condoms the girl behind the counter says to him would you like them on your Bill ?
Donald replys NOOOO i will sufocate silly

[Bob]

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…”
Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??”

[snicko]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[Bob]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[growler2058]

You have just described my day Mon- Fri Bob hahahhahahahahaha

[snicko]

Some people say

"If you can't beat them, join them".

I say

"If you can't beat them, beat them",
because they will be expecting you to join them,
so you will have the element of surprise!!!!!!!!

[GUtsy ute]

Did you hear that Elton John has been asked to play at Osama Bin Laden's funeral?

Apparently he's going to sing "Sandals in the Bin"