The Joke Thread

[TPC]

two nuns in a cellar one says wears the candle? the other nun replies yes

I have heard a different variation... Two lesbians in the shower, one said "where's the soap", the other said "sure does".

[firm351]

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

[Bob]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who
liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the
shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread,
he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please,"
the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach
the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided
with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had
better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of
bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and
requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins
to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares
at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man
standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she
yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

[BigRAWesty]

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

Good old Kevin bloody Wilson..

[P4trol]

On a typical forum, a question is posed:

"How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?"

The following statistics were drawn from the responses:


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section


7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether its "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another
6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term
is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URLs

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didnt we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.


;D ;D

[Winnie]

I reckon threedogs could have that conversation with himself.

[TPC]

I love it, bloody funny and true.

[taslucas]

On a typical forum, a question is posed:

"How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?"

The following statistics were drawn from the responses:

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether its "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another
6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term
is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URLs

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didnt we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

;D ;D

Bloody perfect mate!!

"me too"
Hahaha

[Gecko17]

A doctor asks a pregnant prostitute "Do you know who the father is?"

Prostitute replies, "Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of baked beans, would you know which one made you fart?"

[Bush Ranger]

What`s the difference between a magicians wand and a police mans baton? (The baton could be changed to a Taser in this day and age).
The magicians wand is for cunning stunts.

What`s the difference between a Swedish milk maid and a prostitute.
The milk maid is fair and buxom.