The Joke Thread

[Punderhead]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time-but nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
"I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice.
After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living.
Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?


"I work for the Tax Office."

[Punderhead]

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage,
Hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of
Stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs
And climb toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with
... Cold water.
After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same
Result.........all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
Monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away.
Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new
Monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock,
All of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb
The stairs he will be assaulted
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer
Takes part in the punishment...........with enthusiasm, because he is
Now part of 'the team'.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the
Fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
Stairs he is attacked.
Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were
Not permitted to climb the stairs.
Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the
Newest monkey
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the
Remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway
For the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds.............that is the way it
Has always been!
This, my friends, is how Parliament operates.........and this is why,
From time to time:
ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME

[Punderhead]

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

[jack]

The Worst Age To Be ???????
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[Alitis007]

Oldy but a goody lol

[Wine_maker]

Bad surprise in forest



"Suicide box" OKA, with mass 645 kg, 2 cylinders engine volume 649 or 749 cub cm towing Infiniti QX.

[Wine_maker]

Or, may be infiniti walking a pet on a lead lol

[PMC]

G'day lounge lizards!

An Ex-Lawyer, a Pathological Liar, a Fraudster, an Atheist and a Communist walk into a BAR.





Bartender asks....




"What'll it be, Ms. Gillard?"


Regards,

RLI

[taslucas]

G'day lounge lizards!

An Ex-Lawyer, a Pathological Liar, a Fraudster, an Atheist and a Communist walk into a BAR.





Bartender asks....




"What'll it be, Ms. Gillard?"


Regards,

RLI

And they wouldn't even let Mr Abbott through the door!

[TPC]

A lovingWife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside,he finds a couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told himit was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'