The Joke Thread

[nowoolies]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day ? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.

[nowoolies]

Sex And Good Grammar





On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.



The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want. The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."



He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.



His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"



And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[patch697]

Press Release: Christmas Downsizing

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1.The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
2.The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
3.The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
4.The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5.The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
6.The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
7.The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
8.As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
9.Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
10.Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
11.Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
12.We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

[patch697]

10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

• 10. Did you get any under the tree?

• 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.

• 8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!

• 7. Santa's sack is really bulging.

• 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clear look.

• 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

• 4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.

• 3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.

• 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

• 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

[patch697]

Just been out and bought the girlfriend's Christmas present: a bottle of perfume which is called 'ample', and it is a very small bottle indeed.
I just hope she doesn't notice where the 'S' has been scratched off the bottle.

[rottodiver]

An angry wife to her husband on the phone: Where the hell are you??



Husband: Darling you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace



and totally fell in love with it….and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day??



Wife, with a smile blushing: Yeah I remember that my Love.



Husband: Well…I'm in the Pub next to that shop!

[rottodiver]

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill


The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,


you have “Yellow 24”, a really nasty virus.


It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually
only have 24 hours to live.


There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments
on earth.’


So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.


Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's
never been there with her before.


They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and
wins £35.


Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320


Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.


Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.


The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,


'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a
line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.


You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'


'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.’


'F%$k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!

[2TROLLFAM]

What do you call a ghosts mistake??
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A Boo Boo!!

[Clunk]

What do you call a ghosts mistake??
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A Boo Boo!!

Oh dear!!!!!!!! lol

[growler2058]

What do you call a ghosts mistake??
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A Boo Boo!!

Mmmmmmmmmm;-)