The Joke Thread

[patch697]

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

[DX grunt]

The Joke Thread.

Collingwood, Carlton, Essendon or Geelong winning the 2012 Grand Final.

The 2012 premiership belongs to Western Australia. It's in the bag - already!!!!!!

LMAO, PML, LOL, hahahaha.

[Clunk]

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

[belzi82]

difference between hospital emergency vehicles

[nowoolies]

Aunt Mildred....this is priceless :-))

Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.



Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.



Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.







Later that night.........

Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[nowoolies]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'



One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f*#k's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'

[the ferret]

I don't have a lot of jokes, (well ones that I can post) but.........this one pmotfpml!!
Three old guys in the park.
"How's it goin after the prostate op Fred"?
FRED:" not too bad, I get up in the morn'n about 8, stand there fer about half a minute and away I go.
long pause.
FRED: "Bout you Sam"?
another long pause.
Sam: " Yep, since the op, same, about 7.30, wake up, yawn, go fer a slash, no probs, them doctors know what they're doin eh, how about you Bill, you're over 80, any probs?
BILL: "ah,....... yes and no, 5 oclock every morning without fail, I have a very long slash, followed by a huge crap.
Sam: "but thats great at your age, innit?"
BILL: long pause again, now scroll down.

























"Trouble is, I don't wake up till about 9" lol lol lol

[Clunk]

As Christmas approaches I feel that I should remind all about the festive celebrations we will be attending and perhaps share an experience of mine at the same time

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking & driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities
on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
Well, a couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals, and had a few too many bubbles as
well as several cocktails and some rather nice red; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit,
I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one….

[the ferret]

Mate, That is GOLD!!
Cheers, the ferret.

[2TROLLFAM]

A Trooper is making his regular patrol when he spots a car parked in an out of the way 'Lovers lane'.

When he carefully approaches the car to get a closer look, he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, Officer?"

The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane, and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."

The trooper asks: "'And her, .... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."