The Joke Thread

[chester]

middle aged woman puts an add in the paper for some male company.

The add stated that the man, "must not run away", "must not beat her" & "must be good in bed".

The next day the doorbell rings and there sits a man in a wheelchair with no arms & no legs.

The woman says, you have got to be kidding me.

The man Says to her I have no legs so I cant run from you, & I have no arms so I can't beat you.

What about in bed? asked the woman.

The man looks at her and answered, well I rang the doorbell didn't I.

[patch697]

A middle aged woman put's an ad in the paper for some male company.

The ad stated that the man"must not run away,must not beat me and must be good in bed".

The next day the doorbell ring's and there sits a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

The woman say's you have got to be kidding me.

The man Say's to her i have no legs so i cant run from you and i have no arms so i can't beat you.

What about in bed asks the woman,the man look's at her and answer's well i rang the doorbell didn't I.

Brilliant........hahahahahahahahahahaha

[patch697]

Irish maths test



Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.



Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."



"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.





"What's this?" the boss asks.



"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.



"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."



Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere ye go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."



The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor.


sorry there were pics .......but not here

[Clunk]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful young blonde.
Puzzled, the blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pants pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, the man looked at her and said, "It's golf balls".
The blonde nodded, but continued to glance at the front of his trousers. Finally, no longer able to contain her curiosity, she asked him, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[GUtsy ute]

Hahahahaha, bloody ripper clunk!!

[Clunk]

yes I know they're not jokes but amusing none the less............

The following are actual headlines from real newspapers around the planet ... uhm ... with commentary ... more or less. Enjoy!

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really? Nothing gets by these folks!]

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now THAT's taking things a bit far!]

3. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

4.Miners Refuse to Work After Death
[No-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

5. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

6. War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

7. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

8. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought it!]

9. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[Hmm ... They may be on to something!]

[Clunk]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "You old fart, you lied. There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?!"

[Clunk]

A doctor was addressing a large audience.
"Red meat is bad for you," he told the audience.
"Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
"Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
"High fat diets are disastrous.
"No one knows the long-term effect of germs in our drinking water," said the doctor.
"But one food is the most dangerous of all and I bet every one of you has eaten it at least once. Can anyone tell me which food causes the most grief for years after you eat it?"
An old man in the front row raised his hand and softly asked, "Is it wedding cake?"

[YNOT]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
break something, but the boy continues.

'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'


Tony

[YNOT]

Got to love this, what a darn good idea!

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling.

It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London ."

BBRRILLIANT!