The Joke Thread

[fixer982]

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, kisses her passionately, rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here on Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf."

[fixer982]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.


"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.


"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

[fixer982]

I rear-ended a car this morning.


So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.


You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?


Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!


He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'


So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'


And then the fight started.....

[fixer982]

To All Former Civil Service And Military Personnel:

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is "BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN."

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

[Bob]

This what I call Sunsmart

[Bob]

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

[Parra]

ah... had a great joke but the read the first page haha

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus! "So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot! "To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler! "

[Bob]

Too Late me thinks (Look at Pic closely)

[Bob]

Arkansas Lottery Winner

[Bob]

Your Choice