Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
GU Series 4 Ti, 3.0 CRD Auto with extra bits
RECESSION USA STYLE
The recession has hit everybody really hard...
My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.
If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico .
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan , and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
HELL NO !!!!!!
A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?"
To which the stranger nonchalantly replied, "Quiet! I am listening to music!!"
The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts.
He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music."
"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"
GU Series 4 Ti, 3.0 CRD Auto with extra bits
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
This is a joke my little brother who was going to catholic primary school told me waaaaaaaay back in 1989 - I still love it and it gets laughs.
Q : What are the 2 things in the air that can get a girl pregnant?
A : Her legs
Cheers
Nick
2008 GU VI DX Wagon - CRD power
Momentum is a locker
HahahahahahahahabAhhahHhAaOriginally Posted by Nick74
IF YA DONT GET STUCK YA AINT TRYIN HARD ENOUGH........OR YA TOOK THE CHICKEN TRACK
WARNING: TOWBALLS USED WITH SNATCHSTRAPS DO KILL!!
Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men. It was led by a man holding a Doberman.
His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the line. "Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief", said Hank, politely. " but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?"
"It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he guestered down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."
"Gee, that's terrible, " commiserated Hank, " but hmmm....is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so ?"
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "get in line!"
GU Series 4 Ti, 3.0 CRD Auto with extra bits
patch697 (13th July 2011)
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.
No further testing is planned.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a
single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having
children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
fixer982 (15th July 2011)
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