The Joke Thread

[Bob]

A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.
He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”
The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”

[Sir Roofy]

I bought myself a pair of "Meatloaf" boxer shorts yesterday. On the front they said- Iwould do anything for love-
On the back they said- But I won't do that-......

[Archie]

Two boys in Brisbane playing football in the park when one of the boys is attacked by a savage Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A Courier Mail reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Lions Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
But I'm not a Lions fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Brisbane just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again.
"Bronco's Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack!” he jots in his notebook.
"I'm not a Broncos fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter starts again: "Maroons Supporter Risks Life In Heroic Rescue"
"I'm not a Maroons fan either," the boy responds.
"I assumed everyone in Brisbane was either for the Lions, Broncos or the Maroons. What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asks.
"We are both from Sydney and I'm a Blue's fan," the boy says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Redneck Cockroach Vandalises Fence And Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[Bigrig]

[QUOTE=Archie;108184]Two boys in Brisbane playing football in the park when one of the boys is attacked by a savage Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A Courier Mail reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Lions Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
But I'm not a Lions fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Brisbane just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again.
"Bronco's Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack!

[NissanGQ4.2]

[QUOTE=Bigrig;108188]

Two boys in Brisbane playing football in the park when one of the boys is attacked by a savage Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A Courier Mail reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Lions Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
But I'm not a Lions fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Brisbane just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again.
"Bronco's Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack!

was there more 2 this post Scotty??? I see your still alive *L*

[patch697]

THE FEMALE DEMERIT SYSTEM

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:



SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Oh the tears that are poring down my face right now..........ROFLMFAO

I'll need a week to recover before commenting further............. Oh it hurts so bad....... whoops I think I just lost a lung?????.....pml

[patch697]

I bought myself a pair of "Meatloaf" boxer shorts yesterday. On the front they said- Iwould do anything for love-
On the back they said- But I won't do that-......

OOOOhhhh thats it I can't take anymore....Back in 2 weeks........ROFLMFAO

Roofy, that was side splitting GOLD mate.

[Bob]

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't

[Nick74]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her
Students the following:
Teacher : "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
Would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael : "Just a minute I have to go pee."
Teacher : "That would be rude and impolite."
Teacher : "What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter : "I truly am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
Teacher : "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
Dinner table."
Teacher : "And you, Little Johnny , can you use your brains for once and show us your
Good manners?"
Little Johnny : "Darling, may I please be excused for a brief moment? I have to shake
Hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I am hoping you will get to meet after
Dinner."
The teacher fainted........

[Woof]

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't

Oh thanks for that one Bob, made my day mate...loved it...roflmao