The Joke Thread

[patch697]

hahahahahahaha.............. I almost lost me lap top when I seen this...........GOLD

[Bob]

Well she does have a big bum

[katwoman]

How do you make a man happy and sad all at once ??



























Tell him he is the better lover of ALL his mates....

[chester]

I have a problem i need some help with.
You see i suspected for some time now that the wife has been cheating on me,
usual sign's the phone rings if i answer the caller hangs up,staying out late with the girls alot.
I try to wait up for her but always fall asleep before she gets home.
Anyway last night about midnight i hid in the shed behind the boat,she came home and was getting out of a strange car.
She was buttoning up her blouse,she pulled her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that point crouched behind the boat i seen it.
A hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket is that something i can weld or do i need to replace it?

[Bob]

After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”

[chester]

A bloke walks into a bar and ask's for a 12 year old scotch,thinking he would'nt know the difference the barman gives him a 5 year old scotch.
The bloke spits it out and yells "whats this i asked for a 12 year old scotch".
So the barman thinks hmm smart@rse so he gives him a 20 year old scotch,once again he spits it out and say's"all i want is a 12 year old scotch,not a 5 or a 20 i want a 12.
By this time a small crowd had gathered when an old drunk walks up and hands the bloke a glass and said here try this.
The bloke take's a drink and then spit's on the floor and say's "what the hell was that it tasted like p!ss!".
"So," says the drunk, "now tell me how old i am".

[nowoolies]

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.

At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.





He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up.





This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife
As they neared the hooker

[nowoolies]

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym, when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked his male trainer, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and replied, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

[nowoolies]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.




Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.




Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.




The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.




After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.




Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.




Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.




Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.




Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.




This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[chester]

Do you ever wonder if a camel look's down at his toe and thinks,
Damn i have a vagina foot.