The Joke Thread

[Punderhead]

3 men are sentenced to death, but because up until their crime they have been good citizens, the judge says they can choose how they will die.

The first requests lethal injection.

The second a firing squad.

The third says "I want to die of natural causes, filthy rich, on my own private island, surrounded by women"

[Punderhead]

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: 'Mick! I lost me finger!'
'Have you now?' says Mick. 'And how did you do it?'
'I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
Darn! There goes another one!'

[Punderhead]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband, Paddy, spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, Paddy ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried Paddy. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

[Punderhead]

A doulbe-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer. " A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from y ou, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fiftenn years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[Punderhead]

An Irish backpacker walks into a pub in Queensland, and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Aussies are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Backpacker on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Man says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Aussie tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Irishman sits in amazement.

The Backpacker gives the Aussie the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Aussie replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

[Bob]

Two Irishmen were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"

[mudnut]

Not sure if this has already been posted.

A man enters a bar, carrying a heavily built bird cage with an ugly looking bird inside. He put the cage on the floor and asked for a beer.

The barman served him and asked, "What sort of bird is that?"

"A Crunch bird. He'll eat anything I tell him to."

"Bull dust," scoffs the barman. "Get it to eat that bar stool."

The man opens the cage, and says, "Crunch bird, the stool."

Squawking loudly the bird attacked the chair and within seconds, there was nothing but a small pile of sawdust.

"Wow!" the barman was amazed. "Now try the bar."

The man was puzzled by the request, but he said, "Crunch bird, the bar."

Again, the bird squawked loudly and ripped into the bar.

Just as the bird was finished demolishing the bar, the manager of the establishment burst into the room and yelled, "What the hell is going on here?"

"The Crunch bird ate the bar," said the barman.

The manager growled, "Crunch bird, my arse!"

[Punderhead]

Welcome to plastic surgery anonomous. I see a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say that I'm disappointed.

[Bob]

California Vinters in the Napa Valley area. which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Griglo wines have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More

[Bob]

Woman to psychiatrist:” I can’t sleep, because my husband thinks he’s a fridge.
Psychiatrist: “Does his condition worry you?”
Woman: “No, it’s just that he sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”