The Joke Thread

[BigRAWesty]

Ok. I'll try this one then.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the water?

Bob

[TPC]

Ok. I'll try this one then.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the water?

Bob

Are you getting these jokes from your kids?

[Bob]

As some of you know I am 72 years old and I love to fish. I was sitting in my boat the other day when I heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

I looked around and couldn't see any one. I thought I was dreaming when I heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

I looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

I said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

I looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in my front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

I opened the pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[BillsGU]

Ok. I'll try this one then.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the water?

Bob

That's better. At least it's technically correct ........................

[rusty_nail]

Ok. I'll try this one then.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the water?

Bob

what to you call a guy in a hole with a shovel?

Doug

What do you call a guy hanging around your front door?

Matt

What to you call a Guy hiding in the bushes?

Russel

there are more but i can remember them at the moment.

[Punderhead]

Is it wrong to hate a certain race??




















See, I normally run the 5k but my friends want to run the 10k and I hate it.

Why, what did you think I meant?

[Clunk]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale on e-bay.

[Clunk]

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole
in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.'

[mudnut]

A couple of bogans were returning home carrying a slab. They were walking past an outdoor cafe as a woman started choking on a piece of steak. Her husband yelled out for help.

One bogan jumped the divider, pulled the woman's dress up, bent her over and whipped her undies down. He bent down and licked her bum.

Even though she was close to blacking out, she was so shocked, she coughed the steak out and screamed.

The bogan's friend gave him the thumbs up. "Nice one maaaate. It's the first time I've ever seen the Hind Lick manoeuvre."

[jack]

That still has me laughing.