The Joke Thread

[Bob]

A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"

[Bob]

It's a hot summer day and Jake and Harry are in a ditch digging away. Meanwhile, Ralph is up under the shade of a tree sipping on a cool drink. Jake asks Harry, "Why are we down here digging in the hot Sun while Ralph is being cool up there?" Harry says, "I don't know, I'll go ask him". Harry goes up and asks Ralph, "Why are you up here in the shade drinking a cool drink and Jake and I are in the ditch digging in the hot sun?" Ralph says, "'cause I've got smarts". "What's that? Asks Harry. Ralph puts his hand in front of the tree and says, "Hit my hand as hard as you can". Harry swings his fist at Ralph’s hand, Ralph moves his hand and Harry hits the tree, hurting his hand. Ralph, says "I knew to pull my hand away, that’s called having smarts". Harry goes back in the ditch and Jake asks, "What did he say?" Ralph says, "Its cause he has smarts." "What's that? Asks Jake. Harry puts his hand in front of his face and says. "Hit my hand!"

[Bob]

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

[Bob]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[Bob]

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

[Bob]

A female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man an injection.
“No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
“I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on my face suffocates 
me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”
The dentist then returns and says, “Here's a Viagra.”
The patient says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn't” said the dentist, “but it’ll give you something to hold 
on to when I pull your tooth out."

[nowoolies]

they finally worked out why dragon`s are extinct

[patch697]

A female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man an injection.
“No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
“I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on my face suffocates 
me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”
The dentist then returns and says, “Here's a Viagra.”
The patient says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn't” said the dentist, “but it’ll give you something to hold 
on to when I pull your tooth out."

Bob I have to tell ya I liked this one so much I had to ring up Mum (who really needed cheering up) & relay it to her over the phone...... Well she laughed so hard she had to hang up (as I said she needed a laugh)...

About 5 mins later I had a call? It was me Dad wanting to know what I had said to Mum that was so bloody funny so I told him (cos God knows he needs cheering up) & well he lost it & all I could get between laughs, coughs & splatters was I'll call ya back Son.

Well I haven't had a word from either of them yet bit im tipping I made there day....lol

I just wanted to share that little story with you & say thanks from all of us.

Cheers
Paul

[fixer982]

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.

"Your right. It's mine."

[fixer982]

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."