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Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories
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Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to
University, but halfway through the semester he foolishly
has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe
what modern education is developing. They actually
have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog
Ol' Blue how to talk."
"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young
jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.
"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read."
"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that
program?"
"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a
problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots
the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is pretty
excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with
him, and see him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the
living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Financial Review.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around
with that redhead barmaid at the pub?'"
The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he
talks to your mother!"
"I sure did, dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
Teacher:
If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully...
If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher:
Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fn cat!!!
Tappn the App Beers on Tap
Fifty Sheds Of Grey - extracts
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed. “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” So I took her to Bunning’s.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.” So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
Regards,
RLI
A man moved to a new house. He thought he would get to know the locals and went to the pub near his home. He went in and sat at a stool and asked for a drink. In front of him was a jar of 10 cent coins, with a sign saying correct guess wins you the jar!!!
After about 10 beers he told the barman he was on his way home and the barman said seeing he was such a good customer he could have a free guess at the jar. The man had been thinking about an amount all night and replied with 206 dollars. The barman stood amazed and said, THAT"S CORRECT !!
How did you know how much was in there? The man said just a lucky guess, grabbed his jar of coins and staggered out and walked home.
As he walked up the front stairs of his house he tripped and the jar crashed to the patio and scattered the 2006 coins all over the place. He decided he would pick it up in the morning. He crept into the bedroom and without waking his wife went to sleep. Early next morning his wife came in all excited to wake him up yelling JOHN,JOHN..... You wont guess whats all over our patio?.... John opens his eyes and says calmly, Yeah I know..... 206 dollars in 10 cent coins......
NO!! she said.....
There is 200 liters of MILK !!!!
Second job for my wife.
Ever since I got my Patrol i have been a bit short of money, with the cost of all the accessories and mods and my wife and I were starting to havd troubles paying the bills.
I am already working 10 to 12 hours a day so I asked my wife if she would mind getting a second job, she said she would think about it.
The next day she said to me she would try making some money as a prostitute on Hindley st in town, I was a bit concerned at first but decided anything that brought in extra money would be good.
The next weekend she got herself all dolled up in a tight miniskirt, sexy top and high heels and I dropped her off in town and arranged to pick her up in the morning.
The next morning I picked her up and asked how she got on, she told me she made three hundred and forty one dollars.
That was not bad I thought, helps pay the bills but had to ask her who the cheap bastard was that only gave her one dollar.
She told me all of them did.
Are you still sure that today will be a good day???
http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forum...chmentid=22236
There has been a strange habit at work of people giving names to food in the fridge. Today I ate a sandwich named Kevin!
Cheers!
God visited a man and told him that he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven.....
The man said he would try his best.
God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pull her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side
and gave her one right there ".
"They don't like that in heaven", said God...
The man replied "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!
Regards,
RLI
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'
Regards,
RLI
German Tourist
A German Tourist jumped in the freezing waters Port Phillip bay in Melbourne to save a old ladies little dog!
Upon getting back onto the jetty, he checked the little dog over and told the old lady " Ze dog is ok, He vill be fine!
Due to his selfless heroic act, the little old lady asked, "are you a vet?"
He replied,"vet? I'm farking soaked!"
Regards,
RLI
http://youtu.be/AZZCVpeBKIA
Never argue with an idiot, cos he'll bring you down to his level, then beat you with experience. Y2K
$&@?! I woulda belted the effers over the head with the shovel when I managed to get up
Sent from my tapped out thumbs
An elderly couple, Margaret and John, moved to Texas .
John always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, John stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "John, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, John yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, John. Shoulda bought a hat."
If the answer is:
Cock Robin!
What is the question?
What's another word for rooster, Batman.Quote:
Originally Posted by MC97GQ
Time for a bit of pun.
10 puns went to a pun convention at a multistory hotel in New Zillund. On the first morning the puns went to breakfast. There was porridge or bacon and eggs offered. All 10 puns had the porridge. Moral to this is, that when it came to selecting bacon and eggs for breakfast NO PUN IN TEN DID.
(Sorry, but it gets worse.)
The puns went to the top of the building, drank wine and ate strawberries as they watched the city below. They all got a bit drunk and fell off the building, but there was a safety net and no pun was hurt. The moral is that when drinking wine and eating strawberries, one PUN-NET is sufficient.
(Yes, that one was mine)
In the afternoon, the puns went shopping. One pun bought a neon light and associated posters for his daughter's room. They then went for a tour in the surrounding hills, driving a Land Cruiser. The pun, ( A rather large muscle bound one) driving, hit a rock, lost control and smashed into a tree. All of the puns were ok, and the neon light was intact, but the Land Cruisers diff was shattered.
The moral here is that a Land Cruiser diff is not as strong as a PUN-NEON.
(Remember it is still in New Zillund)
The smallest pun got really upset at the big pun who was driving. They had a full on PUNch up. The small pun kicked the big puns bum, so badly, that a passerby called the police, and an ambulance. The big pun was whisked away to hostpital with a THUM-PUN head ache. The police arrested the small pun and threw him in jail.
The moral is that if you fight against a WEE-PUN you will most likely loose.
In jail the fiesty little one PUN-DERED his predicament. He remembered he was once friends with the Prime Minister so he made a phone call. Upon hearing the story the Prime Minister PARDONNED THE PUN.
Please remove excess puns from post.
Are you a member of the day jokes on fb?
What's fb? Sorry, I just spent the morning at the dentist. It mustve been the painkillers.Quote:
Originally Posted by P4trol
Fb: facebookQuote:
Originally Posted by mudnut
Tap, crackle, pop
I went to the pub for breakfast today, I had beer and PUNcakes for breakfast, bro. On the way home I was breathalised and got charged for having one PUNt too many.Quote:
Originally Posted by P4trol
Little Johnnie gets a new trainset for Christmas. He is playing with it so much his mother wonders what he is doing so listens in on him from the kitchen. Little Johnnie is sending the train around the track and when it gets to the station he says - "Right - all you bastards who want to get off the train - get off my bloody train now - and all you buggers who want get on - hurry the bloody hell up!"
Johnnie's mother is horrified, but thinking she is mistaken keeps listening then sure enough as soon as the train gets back to the station again Johnny says - "Right - all you mongrels who want to get on my bloody train - get on NOW - and if you're getting off - hurry the bloody hell up!"
Johnnies mother storms in the lounge room where Johhnie is playing and gives him a whaling and sends him to his room for one hour telling him to think about the right way to play with his toys. Johnnie storms off to his room muttering and sure enough an hour later he comes out straight back to the trainset. His mother asks if he has learnt his lesson and he replies yes.
His mother goes back to the kitchen and listens in to make sure all is good - sure enough when the train gets back to the station little Johnnie says "All you nice ladies and gentlemen who would like to get off the train - please get off now. And all you lovely passengers who want to join the train please jump on now. And if you want to know why the train is an hour late blame the b*&^% in the kitchen!"
(Censored due to being a family forum - feel free to replace with your choice of expletive!).
Jas
I got a light bar for sale, not sure of specs 100000 lumens 29w each led 80" long. No pics live in Greenville but pick up from frankstona Going cheap bought wrong size. Need it bigger and brighter. Aus made. Exported and imported back.
Funniest joke I've seen for a long time! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by MEGOMONSTER
Jas
A group of aussies arrived in Cape Town. "Welcome to Sarth Ifrica," says their guide. "Once yuv chucked unto thu hotul, yuv gut a choice of a tour or arse carting."
Except for two young blokes, (obviously a couple), the aussies didn't like the sound of arse carting, so they went on the tour. Later that afternoon they all met in the hotel bar. The tour group were hot, tired and dusty, but the two young blokes looked refreshed and cool as cucumbers.
"How was the tour?"one bloke asked.
"It was magical to see the animals, but the heat and dust was horrendous,' replied one woman. "How was your day?"
"Well it wasn't what we expected, but at least it was cool at the rink."
Bump- still for saleQuote:
Originally Posted by MEGOMONSTER
Unwanted birthday present
Brand new, fitted but never used
Still in box, but not original.
Aussie made, copied Chinese copy
Sort of looks like this but different
Attachment 24306
Do you offer lifetime guarantee?Quote:
Originally Posted by MEGOMONSTER
Does it change colours depending on my mood?
It does. Oh ok - I'll take 2 then! :)
Jas
Can you transfer funds through Moneygram please.Quote:
Originally Posted by lorrieandjas
Once funds are received, I will send goods. Please allow up to 6 weeks for delivery.
Full money back guarantee up to 6 weeks from date of purchase.
Done deal. Should I post my credit card details here? You seem honest enough so I can trust you right? You're just trying to help out a forum member right?
Jas
Roflmfao..................
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn4f...e_gdata_player
Kallen Westbrook
Owner of
Westy's Accessories
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK! OK! I can't park the f*cking car! You do it, you SMUG BAST*RD"
To tap, or not to tap: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?
Lightweight!!!!!!!!! LmaoQuote:
Originally Posted by Plasnart
To tap, or not to tap: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?
The woman applying for a job in a lemon orchard in Orange , seemed to be far too qualified for
the job; given her arts and education degrees from Sydney University and her job as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
"I've been divorced three times, owned two Landcruisers, supported the Wallabies, and I voted for Julia Gillard."
Wow that looks awesome! I've never seen anyone do that before.
FanTapstic!
Excellent post Wine_maker. Unfortunately, my son has seen the dust art, and is already outside, trying to decorate our bush bomb.
Hey mudnut hurry up take a karcher and a piece of cloth and you have a chance to save half of your car.
ps. Don't forget to show us your own art gallery on the broadside of your car.