The Joke Thread

[Bob]

Mrs. Kinsey was one of those women with a natural curiosity. She had to know everything about everything. “How is it,” she asked the dentist one day, “that such little hole in my tooth feels so big to my tongue?” “Well,” said the dentist, “you know how a woman’s tongue exaggerates.”

[Bob]

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

[fixer982]

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of theIrish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

'Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant.'
Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

'What are those?, asks the attendant.

'They're called tees' replies Tiger.

'Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?' inquires the Irishman.

'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger.

'Fook me', says the Irishman, 'BMW thinks of everything.'

[fixer982]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
And cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12
cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem upset in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[fixer982]

> A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
> behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
>
>
> The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
> the ostrich, "What's yours?"
>
>
>
> "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
>
>
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order
> "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his
> pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
>
>
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the
> man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
>
>
>
> The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
>
>
>
> Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
> change.
>
>
>
> This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The
> usual?" asks the waitress.
>
>
>
> "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
> potato and a salad," says the man.
>
>
>
> "Same," says the ostrich.
>
>
>
> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will
> be $32.62."
>
>
>
> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
> and places it on the table.
>
>
>
> The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
> "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with
> the exact change in your pocket every time?"
>
>
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the
> attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie
> appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was
> that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my
> hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
> be there."
>
>
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
> ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
> be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
>
>
>
> "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
> Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
>
>
>
> The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
>
>
>
> The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for
> a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with
> everything I say."
>
>

[fixer982]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tom's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[snicko]

SENIORS TEXTING CODE:...

ATD... At The Doctors.

BFF...Best Friend Fell.

BTW...Bring the Wheelchair.

BYOT...Bring Your Own Teeth.

FWIW...Forgot Where I Was.

CGPBL...Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.

GHA...Got Heartburn Again.

IMHO...Is My Hearing-Aid On.

LMDO...Laughing My Dentures Out.

OMMR...On My Massage Recliner.

OMSG...Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFLACGU...Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up.

TTYL...Talk to You Louder.

[gec]

Wind in the Willows it aint

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofn8-3SWd8M

[Bob]

SENIORS TEXTING CODE:...

ATD... At The Doctors.

BFF...Best Friend Fell.

BTW...Bring the Wheelchair.

BYOT...Bring Your Own Teeth.

FWIW...Forgot Where I Was.

CGPBL...Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.

GHA...Got Heartburn Again.

IMHO...Is My Hearing-Aid On.

LMDO...Laughing My Dentures Out.

OMMR...On My Massage Recliner.

OMSG...Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFLACGU...Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up.

TTYL...Talk to You Louder.

I resemble that RAFLMAO. But at least I have got to old age

[snicko]

Wind in the Willows it aint

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofn8-3SWd8M

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah