The Joke Thread

[Gecko17]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air
and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes
her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this
decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'It's Keith , the dwarf.'*

[Punderhead]

'Well you see mate, it's like this. .. . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

[TPC]

'Well you see mate, it's like this. .. . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

That was best told by Cliff from Cheers. Makes sense to me.

[4bye4]

I've been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.
So far, I haven't been in Continent; but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.

[TPC]

That is classic 4bye4, love it.

[Gecko17]

An Aussie and a Kiwi walk in to a bakery together.
Quick as a flash, the Aussie bloke has gotten 3 sausage rolls off the shelf and in to his pockets before the person behind the counter can see him.
The Aussie bloke turns to the Kiwi and says "pretty bloody quick eh?"
The big, burly baker rocks up to the counter and asks what the two want.
The Kiwi says "I bet I can amaze you with a magic trick!"
The bloke behind the counter reluctantly agrees.
The Kiwi bloke picks up a sausage roll and starts eating it. When he finishes the first, he grabs a second and devours that as well. He then grabs a third sausage roll, eats all of it and then, with a great show of licking his lips and fingers goes 'Taa Daa!'
The bloke behind the counter, with an angry look, says to the Kiwi bloke "What's magic about that?"
The Kiwi bloke looks him straight in the eye and says
"Now, look in my mate's pocket!"

[Punderhead]

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

The chauffeur looked the professor straight in the eye and said....

"Sir, the answer to that is so simple, that I will let my chauffeur, who is in the back, answer it for you!"

[Punderhead]

PROOF THAT MEN ARE BETTER FRIENDS THAN WOMEN!

One night a man's wife does not come home from a night out with the girls.
The next morning, the man asks his wife where she stayed,
and she informs him that she stayed at a friends house.
The man goes through her phone and calls her closest ten friends,
and all of them stated they knew nothing about it.

One night the husband does not come home from a night out with the boys.
The next morning, the wife asks her husband where he stayed,
and he informs her he stayed at a friends house.
The woman goes through his phone and calls his closest ten friends,
and 8 of them confirmed he slept over their joint,
and 2 of them said he was still there!!!

[Punderhead]

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

[Gecko17]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired." His buddy says:​“Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.​She’s after me 3 and 4 times a dayI just don't know what to do." A fellow about my age (45+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said... "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit."