The Joke Thread

[Gecko17]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

… She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

[firm351]

A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll
handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"i told her, "first class isn't going to toronto."

[Gecko17]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

[mudnut]

Our dog was a bit cranky, and would occasionally snap at our visitors. One day he took a passing bite at my Mother-In-Laws leg, and for the first time in his life, he drew blood. Needless to say, that after MIL got home from the doctor, she insisted that our dog was dangerous and should be put to sleep. After many tears and goodbyes, I took the dog to get the sad deed done. The vet, a burly bloke, asked why I had to put the dog down. After he heard the tale, he scowled at me as he prepared the needle and said, "I reckon you're putting the wrong one down!"

[Gecko17]

Note: This is an exact transcript of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

Woman Radio Host: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

General Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

Woman Radio Host: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

General Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

Woman Radio Host: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

General Reinwald: "I don't see how, "We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Woman Radio Host: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

General Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[Avo]

You had to look. Didn't you!!

yes...of course I did.

[Avo]

started thinking that the wife was having an affair,all the usual signs I could think of.
coming home late...she reckons heaps of catch up work to do,the phone would ring if she answered she'd walk outside and if I answered the call would be hung up sometimes..anyway the other night while she had to stay back again I thought I'd keep an eye out.The car she gets a lift home in pulls up.so I jump behind my Nissan in the garage I've been working on all day, she leans across and I swear she is kissing the person,she opens the door and she drops something...once again I swear there her knickers..I gasp in shock ,she spins around and I crouch down even lower....Now at this point I see a crack in the manifold,is this something I can get welded or should I just replace the whole thing..

[firm351]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are.. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[Gecko17]

Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to the others, "My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces."

"Ha!" said the Admiral, "My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it."

The Admiral calls a Seaman over from the tower. He tells the seaman, "I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the seaman yells and proceeds to climb the tower. The seaman walks to the edge, yells "Hoo-ahh!" and jumps off the tower. He is killed instantly upon impact.

"That's nothing," the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a Senior Airman over. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute and I want you to do it with style."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact.

"Hmmph," the Marine growled. "Ya'll obviously forgot the Marine Corps were here," he said (yelling "Marine Corps!" as all Marines tend to do.)

He calls a Lance Corporal over. "Marine, I want you to jump off that tower and make the Corps proud!"

The Corporal yells, "Ooh-rah!", by way of response and runs to the tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two grenades into the air, yells "Semper Fi Do or Die!" and jumps off. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air, clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades. When the smoke clears, only little pieces of the Marine are left.

The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration. Then the Army general says, "That's nothing." The others turn to face the general, their faces in disbelief. The Army general calls a private over who was cleaning latrines. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute."

The private looks the general in the face and says, "Screw you! You kiss my ass first!" and walks off.

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S courage!"

[Bush Ranger]

Three mice were in a pub, all bragging how tough they are. The first mouse says ``I`m so tough, I steal the cheese from a mouse trap and eat it, then set it off and bench press the spring trap 10 times. The second mouse tells the other two that he`s tougher than that. `` I eat a bowl of Ratsak for break fast seven days a week. The third mouse gets off his stool and starts heading for the door. The other two mice ask him where he`s going. He says `` I`m sick of the bull shit and going home to root the cat.``