The Joke Thread

[fixer982]

This guy walks into a quiet bar, carrying three ducks – one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the man chat for about half an hour before the guy with the ducks has to go to the toilet. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence and so the bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?' he asks the first duck.

"Huey," replies the first duck.

"How’s your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh. That's nice," says the bartender.

The bartender then turns to the second duck and says:

"Hi. And what's your name?".

"Dewey," came the reply.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?"

"Just wonderful. Fantastic day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I could have another day just like today, I would do the same again."

The bartender turns to the third duck and says:

"So, you must be Louie."

"No," growls the third duck. "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

[Bob]

The first day of a Marine training course the Sargent Major addresses the Recruits outlining all of their Training and expectations expected of them.

He says that the most important thing to remember is that no matter what happens nothing hurts because "YOU ARE A MARINE" and they are to remember that.

After 6 months of Grueling Training they are on their last Morning assembly which they have to attend in the nude and it has been snowing all night.

They are standing to attention in lines and the Sargent Major walks up to the first Marine and kicks him as hard as he can in the shins.

The Sargent Major asks the Marine "Did that hurt ??" and the Marine replys "No Sir" and why not asks the Sargent Major ?? Because I am a Marine Sir

The Sargent Major walks down the length of the front line and abuses each Marine in various ways and after being asked whether it hurt they all replied as above.

The Sargent Major comes to the last Marine and there an appendage of the Soldier standing out rather stiffly.

The Sargent Major raises his Baton above his Head and brings it down as hard as he can on the said appendage.

Did that Hurt he asked the Marine and the Marine replied "NO SIR" and why not asked the Sargent Major.

Because it belongs to the Marine behind me Sir

[fixer982]

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his butt. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other.
The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No s**t."

[fixer982]

YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...

1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.

4.. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it

10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee

11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. :

12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14.. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list ~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.

[Bob]

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[nowoolies]

Larry Is In The Hospital . . . ..


Who in the hell is Larry?


Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"


"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"


"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.


"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"


"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."


Larry is in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233

[fixer982]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb

[fixer982]

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your Dad

[Bob]

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators." Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

[Bob]

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”