Sometimes, when I write a letter to our partners to someone of them I really want to write - Deer Tom ....
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Sometimes, when I write a letter to our partners to someone of them I really want to write - Deer Tom ....
Little Johnny farted in class one day and the teacher said `` Stop that Johnny``.
Little Johnny says `` Which way did it go miss?``
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you
know?'
Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... how do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being
played,Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red...He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'
Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ....
I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes!'.
Ya can never stay mad at Dog...
Apologies if this has been posted before......
A brunette walked into a room and saw her blonde friend whooping and hollering.
“What’s the matter?” The brunette inquired.
“Nothing at all. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The blonde beamed.
“How long did it take you?”
“Well, the box said ’3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”
Attachment 45400 Courtesy of FB from my missus.
I just remembered this...
Some of you may have seen some photos I put up of our family crossing the simmo in the late 80's and one photo in particular of my old man proud as punch Russel coight style doing a pose.
Winnie and I did a reenactment of the scene whilst up there....absolute pisser!!!
One Monday morning Shane the postman was
Riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine
And spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt
Like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the
Neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around
Midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet
With only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to
Guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Wife and I were overseas recently, and visited a small local zoo hidden behind a tall straw fence.
We payed for two entries and went in. We walked around acres of empty paddocks and busted, empty cages.
Finally, just near the exit we saw a small dog in a create...................... it was a Shih Tzu!
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left,
the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, and the statistician yells, ‘We got ‘im!’ ”
Beware Dad joke ahead...
A huge crowd went to the Music Bowl to see a rock concert. Halfway through a song the power dropped out. The electricians sprang into action, but couldn't fix the the problem. The crowd were getting a bit upset and were starting to carry on a bit in the near darkness. All of a sudden a small bloke jumped up on the stage and waved his hands for the crowd to settle.
When it was quite he raised his voice, "Everyone raise your hands in the air!''
The power magically came back, the and everyone cheered loudly in the brightness. As the little fellow walked off the stage, an electrician asked him how the power was restored.
The bloke smiled and said, "Confucius say, many hands make light work."
Talking to a mate, down the club. He mentioned he had a mate, in the Army, but could not understand the Army lingo. Simple, I sez,
" All the people in the Army are soldiers, all privates are soldiers, but not all soldiers are privates. Some are Officers who are commissioned, but some are officers who are not commissioned. Obviously if every private was called private it would be confusing, so some privates are called things like trooper, driver, gunner, craftsman, sapper or signaller. Not all the drivers actually drive because some of them cook, but they are not called cooks, for that matter, not all drivers are called drivers.- some of them are called privates or gunners. Gunners as you know, are the men who fire guns, unless of course they are drivers or signallers just to make it clearer. All gunners belong to the Artillery, except that in the Infantry there are gunners who are called privates because they fire a different sort of gun , for the same reason the Army call the drivers & signallers private as well
Well, my mate reached for another rum, & I went on. A lance corporal is called corporal, unless he is a lance bombardier, then he is called bombardier to distinguish him from a full bombardier, who is just like a corporal. All other ranks are called by their rank for the sake of simplicity except that staff Sgt's are called staff, but they are not on the staff. Some warrant officers , who are not officers , are called Sgt Major, although they are not Sgts. or Majors. Some Warrant Officers are called Mister, which is the same thing some officers are called, but they are not Warrant Officers. Lieutenants are also called mister because they are subalterns, but their rank is always written as Lieutenant, or Second Lieutenant, and second comes before first.
My mate started drinking double rums, which was a bit strange .I went on. When we talk about groups of soldiers there obviously has to be clear distinction. They are called Officers & soldiers although we know that Officers are soldiers too, sometimes we talk about Officers and other ranks, which is the same as calling them soldiers. I guess it is easiest when we talk about rank & file which is all the troops on parade except the Officers & some of the NCO's- & a few of the privates- and the term is used whether everyone is on parade or not. A large group is called a Battalion, unless it is a regiment but sometimes a regiment is much bigger than a Battalion and then it has nothing to do with the other sort of regiment. Sub units are called companies unless they are squadrons or troops or batteries for that matter. That is not radio batteries & don't confuse this type of troop with the type who are soldiers, but not Officers.
My mate started to slowly hit his head against the bar. I've seen that happen with rum drinkers. So, I went on. Mostly the Army is divided into Corps as well as units, not the sort of Corps which is a couple of divisions but the sort which tells you straight away what trade each man performs, whether he is a tradesman or not. The Infantry Corps has all the infantrymen for example & the Artillery Corps has all the gunners. Both these Corps also have signallers and drivers except those who are in the Signals or Transport Corps. Both those Corps provide a special service and that's why the Transport Corps provides cooks. In fact the Signals Corp is not a service at all because it is an an arm. Arms do all the fighting, although signals don't have to fight too much, rather like engineers who are also an arm, but they don't fight too much either.
I looked at my mate, he was quietly sobbing into his triple rum. I didn't know he loved the Army that much. Cant wait to explain the Australian tax system to him. Bit more complicated than the Army though.
An Aussie, an American, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Vietnamese, an Englishman, a kiwi, an African, an Egyptian, a Frenchman, a German, and an Irishman are walking into a fancy restaurant. The waiter takes one look at the group and says
"I'm sorry, but you can't come in without a Thai!
Cheers
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still f*cking!"
Chuck Norris isn't even that great. If he was so great, he would come up behind me right now and slam my head on the keybswuhowdbfoecn ejefj cjehcefj.
Another Dad joke..
A bloke went to an interview for a job as a handyman at a retirement home.
The boss asked him, "Can you do electrical work?"
"No", replied the bloke.
"Are you good at carpentry?"
"Not really", he shrugged.
"How about painting?"
"Um, no," the bloke grimaced.
"Why did you apply for the job as a handyman, then?" the boss frowned.
"Oh, that's easy. I live just around the corner."
Police have today searched Cliff Richards house and have so far found a devil woman, a living doll and a bachelor boy. They were unable to interview him as he is on his summer holiday with some young ones. Police have however, confirmed Carrie doesn't live there anymore.
Too soon?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey.
Then the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked.
"Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied. "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete." The bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" The cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy!" Exclaimed the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling."
Very very very very baaaad Clunkster
yeah I know, great hey!!!!???? hahahahahahaQuote:
Originally Posted by growler2058
I agree, but won't stop me using it as a DAD joke.Quote:
Originally Posted by growler2058
I hate to say it, but that sort of joke really appeals to my weird sense of humour mate...hahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaah ahahhahaQuote:
Originally Posted by Clunk
That's a tearable joke.
One day I'll meet Clink and because of that joke I'm gunna punch him in the throat hahaha
That's not punny!Quote:
Originally Posted by P4trol
Now that's funny.Quote:
Originally Posted by mudnut
Not sure if this has been posted before..anyway................
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting his coat on. His wife, seeing his unexpected behaviour, asks, "And where do you think you are going?"
He replies, "I'm off to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Hearing this the wife starts struggling to get out of her rocker, she then slowly goes to the cupboard and starts to put on her coat.
The husband now looks mystified and starts to yell at his wife. He says, "And where on earth do you think you are going?
“Oh” she answers, "I'm off to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need a doctor for?"
She says, "Well if you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"
I can just imagine 96 year old gran saying that, then cackling quietly to herself.Quote:
Originally Posted by snicko
Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mum was eating that banana.
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Back during the Iraq war, and George W Bush in the Whitehouse.
Donald Rumsfeld was finishing an afternoon briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh, and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hung open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Rumsfeld, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a brazilian?"
What scares me is that was probably a true story:)Quote:
Originally Posted by firm351
Little Johnny farted in class one day. The teacher said `` Stop that Johnny``. Johnny stood up and said ``Which way did it go miss?``
Teacher was asking her pupils what their daddies did for a living one day. Little Suzy was first up, and said, "well, my daddy teaches quantum physics at Auckland University." Impressed, teacher says "well done, Suzy, well done.
Little Bob jumps up next, and says, "well, my daddy is an economist working for Deutsche Bank, and can accurately predict what the stock market is going to do next".
Teacher looks really impressed, and says, "that's amazing, Bob, well done."
Little Johnny is next to speak.
"Well, my daddy's not living at home. He's serving a stretch at Parry (a maximum security prison in Auckland) for murder. He's openly gay, and earns his money being a bitch to the Mongrel Mob boys."
After class, teacher pulls Johnny aside and says "It's really sad to hear that about your father, Johnny"
"Oh, Miss, thats OK, I lied. He isn't any of those things. I just didn't want to tell the class he drove a GQ".
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the GQ,YOU ride in it!!!"