I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji.
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I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji.
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to the guy's delight, sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks.
Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me.
The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I.
He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that His Holiness is tapping his pencil, thinking. After a little while of pencil taping, the Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything Your Holiness.. What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
-- Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mum got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay envelope at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those pricks at Bunnings ever deliver the farkin' gyprock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
How to turn copper in to the gold?
It's easy mate!
Al + Cu = Au + Cl
I walked into a chemist shop in Perth, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help me.
I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with the highest level of professionalism.
I then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it." showing her the problem.
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is:
a.. 1/3 ownership in the shop ....
b.. A company car...
c.. Seven home cooked dinners a week .....
d.. And $ 3,000 a month in living expenses."
An Australian electrician (Royalty of all Trades, or at least they think they are) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself
at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name,
and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the
Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.
" "Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the electrician sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter,
I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what?
I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm an electrician - the Royalty of all Trades??"
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160
years old! God himself wants to see you!" The electrician is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says
"Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be
forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."
That could work with a lot of trades.Quote:
Originally Posted by firm351
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ... back and forth ... back and forth ...
in and out ... in and out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"OK, OK! I can't park the f***ing car! You do it!
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
… She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
going to toronto and i'm staying right here."
the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."
the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll
handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"i told her, "first class isn't going to toronto."
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Our dog was a bit cranky, and would occasionally snap at our visitors. One day he took a passing bite at my Mother-In-Laws leg, and for the first time in his life, he drew blood. Needless to say, that after MIL got home from the doctor, she insisted that our dog was dangerous and should be put to sleep. After many tears and goodbyes, I took the dog to get the sad deed done. The vet, a burly bloke, asked why I had to put the dog down. After he heard the tale, he scowled at me as he prepared the needle and said, "I reckon you're putting the wrong one down!"
Note: This is an exact transcript of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
Woman Radio Host: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
General Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Woman Radio Host: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
General Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
Woman Radio Host: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
General Reinwald: "I don't see how, "We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Woman Radio Host: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
General Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
yes...of course I did.Quote:
Originally Posted by mudnut
started thinking that the wife was having an affair,all the usual signs I could think of.
coming home late...she reckons heaps of catch up work to do,the phone would ring if she answered she'd walk outside and if I answered the call would be hung up sometimes..anyway the other night while she had to stay back again I thought I'd keep an eye out.The car she gets a lift home in pulls up.so I jump behind my Nissan in the garage I've been working on all day, she leans across and I swear she is kissing the person,she opens the door and she drops something...once again I swear there her knickers..I gasp in shock ,she spins around and I crouch down even lower....Now at this point I see a crack in the manifold,is this something I can get welded or should I just replace the whole thing..
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are.. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to the others, "My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces."
"Ha!" said the Admiral, "My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it."
The Admiral calls a Seaman over from the tower. He tells the seaman, "I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute."
"Yes, Sir!!!" the seaman yells and proceeds to climb the tower. The seaman walks to the edge, yells "Hoo-ahh!" and jumps off the tower. He is killed instantly upon impact.
"That's nothing," the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a Senior Airman over. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute and I want you to do it with style."
"Yes, Sir!!!" the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact.
"Hmmph," the Marine growled. "Ya'll obviously forgot the Marine Corps were here," he said (yelling "Marine Corps!" as all Marines tend to do.)
He calls a Lance Corporal over. "Marine, I want you to jump off that tower and make the Corps proud!"
The Corporal yells, "Ooh-rah!", by way of response and runs to the tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two grenades into the air, yells "Semper Fi Do or Die!" and jumps off. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air, clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades. When the smoke clears, only little pieces of the Marine are left.
The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration. Then the Army general says, "That's nothing." The others turn to face the general, their faces in disbelief. The Army general calls a private over who was cleaning latrines. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute."
The private looks the general in the face and says, "Screw you! You kiss my ass first!" and walks off.
The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S courage!"
Three mice were in a pub, all bragging how tough they are. The first mouse says ``I`m so tough, I steal the cheese from a mouse trap and eat it, then set it off and bench press the spring trap 10 times. The second mouse tells the other two that he`s tougher than that. `` I eat a bowl of Ratsak for break fast seven days a week. The third mouse gets off his stool and starts heading for the door. The other two mice ask him where he`s going. He says `` I`m sick of the bull shit and going home to root the cat.``
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!
Hahahahaha
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
An old bloke is sitting on his front porch when he sees a boy walking along the road dragging something behind him.
“what you got there son?” he asks
“chicken wire” replies the boy
“what you doing with it?”
“I’m gonna catch some chickens”
The old bloke laughs and watches him walk on. Soon after the boy comes back the other way carrying some chickens! The old bloke cannot believe his eyes.
The next day he’s sitting out there again when the boy once again walks past carrying something.
“what you got there son?” he asks
“Duct tape” says the boy
“what you doing with it?”
“gonna catch some ducks”
Once again the old bloke laughs and once again soon after the boy comes back past carrying an armful of ducks. The old bloke again cannot believe what he’s seeing.
The next day the young kid comes past once again carrying something in his hand.
“what you got there son?” he asks
“Pussy willow” says the boy
The old bloke jumps to his feet and says
“hold on two seconds I’ll get me hat”
I was on the train this morning and an absolutely gorgeous Thai woman got on and sat across from me, as I stared at her I was thinking over and over to myself, don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection.
but she did!
A bloke comes home after a hard days work, has a shower and gets ready for dinner. The grub was already on the table by the time he arrives when he sits down. He looks about the table and asks where`s the fork n knife? The wife ambles over to the table, swipes the dinner of it and throws it in to the bin. Then she says `` If you gunna talk like that, go get your own fork n dinner.``
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who can count in binary, and those who can't.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions,"he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand andwhispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
two nuns in a cellar one says wears the candle? the other nun replies yes
Are you on those good pills again???:confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by threedogs
A bloke walks into a doctors room with a poached egg and a rasher of bacon on his forehead. He says `` Hey doc, it`s about my brother.``
I have heard a different variation... Two lesbians in the shower, one said "where's the soap", the other said "sure does".Quote:
Originally Posted by threedogs
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who
liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the
shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread,
he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please,"
the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach
the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided
with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had
better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of
bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and
requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins
to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares
at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man
standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she
yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."
Good old Kevin bloody Wilson..Quote:
Originally Posted by firm351
On a typical forum, a question is posed:
"How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?"
The following statistics were drawn from the responses:
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether its "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another
6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term
is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URLs
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didnt we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.
;D ;D
I reckon threedogs could have that conversation with himself.
I love it, bloody funny and true.
Bloody perfect mate!!Quote:
Originally Posted by P4trol
"me too"
Hahaha
A doctor asks a pregnant prostitute "Do you know who the father is?"
Prostitute replies, "Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of baked beans, would you know which one made you fart?"
What`s the difference between a magicians wand and a police mans baton? (The baton could be changed to a Taser in this day and age).
The magicians wand is for cunning stunts.
What`s the difference between a Swedish milk maid and a prostitute.
The milk maid is fair and buxom.