You're all a mob of girly nancy blouses!!!
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You're all a mob of girly nancy blouses!!!
Yep, I concurQuote:
Originally Posted by growler2058
She was just a whiskey but he loved her still...
2 hats were hanging in the hallway. The first hat said to the second 'you stay here and I'll go on ahead..."
No matter how hard you push the envelop it will still be stationery..
A dog gave birth to her pups next to the road...
She got fined for littering...
Compliments of the cook (aka wife)
What do you call a fish with no eyes???
A fsh...
No you don't, you call it a blind mullet.Quote:
Originally Posted by Westy's Accessories
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
http://www.thenational.ae/storyimage...ersion=default
http://www.thenational.ae/news/uae-n...at-uae-airport
If Y62 can do it, GQ can pull 2 or 3 planes! lol
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!”
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”
She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?
His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
What type of beezs make milk not honey???
Boobeezs... :D
A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one.
Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse.
In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen."
So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse.
Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff.
Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.
"Whew," said the man, "thank God!"
Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart?**
I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'(Shane Wakelin).
'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).
'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).
'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.'(Barry Hall Sydney captain at training).
Brock Maclean (Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: 'I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to.
''He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).
Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals v. Day Games: 'It's basically the same, just darker.
'Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.
'Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season:'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.
''Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'(Dermott Brereton).
' Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'(Mark Williams). [At least this one could have been ironic]
'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.'(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'(Luke Darcy).
'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was identical.'(Dermott Brereton).
'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.'(Adrian Anderson).
'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.(Andrew Demetriou).
'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.'(Dermott Brereton).
'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.'(Terry Wallace)
.Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?David Swartz: 'On what?
''Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'(Dermott Brereton).
'Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'(Dermott Brereton)
.And from the mouth of North Melbourne's Wayne Carey:"Tell me, Wayne, did you get your nickname, The Duck, because of your gait?""No, it's because of the way I walk."-
When Wayne was telling teammates about the house he had just bought, he was particularly proud that the kitchen featured a lot of timber in the way of cupboards and benches.Said a teammate: "Is it in Baltic pine?""No, in Keilor,"** (Keilor is a Melbourne suburb, for benefit of interstate and overseas readers)
A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.
He heard one girl say to the other; “Nine.”
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.
“Sorry to spoil your evening,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German”
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
At least they can talk!Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben-e-boy
Sometimes they shouldn't though!
The Titanic.
Goes down on the first date and swallows all the seaman...
:cool:
In the beginning God created Earth and rested
Then he created Man and rested
God then created Woman
Since then neither God nor Man has rested
A Doctor was addressing an audience at my local club.
"Years ago, the foods we put into our stomachs would have been enough to have killed most of us sitting here if not for medicine".
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water".
"However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have probably eaten it, or will eat it".
He then asked the audience if anyone could name the food that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it.
A guy in the audience jumed up and yelled “Wedding Cake.”
The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.
At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in GST on a ten-dollar sale !"
Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.
Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What the hell does that mean?"
He said,” Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely ... but what about> I, J, K?
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is cautiously optimistic about saving his testicles.
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint (as they do!)
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey Koala!'
So the stoned koala looked down at him and said,
'F*** me....
How much F.....ing water did you drink!?'
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause***
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*
That's a good one??Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve4wdin
Aussies
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. '
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
Breaking BAD jokes
Walt takes a pizza to dinner at Hank and Marie's. Hank says, "how much for the pizza?" And Walt replies "it's on the house!"
I didn't watch the final season, because i am a true breaking bad fan, and sold my tv to fund my blue meth addiction!
Walter takes holly trick or treating. Holly runs up to the door and Walter yells "stop Holly! I'm the one who knocks!"
Cheers
Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called:Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called:Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called:Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called:Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F you.'
The 5thkind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called:Pension Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE AT!!!.
Steve you are on a roll tonight!
Free Beer!!
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
No, it's quite acceptable to pee in vb, as you won't change the tasteQuote:
Originally Posted by rkinsey
Cheers
You unAustralian slimy dog! take that bacck!Quote:
Originally Posted by Punderhead
Haha x2!Quote:
Originally Posted by Punderhead
Also, I reckon I would last longer drinking sea water
Quote:
Originally Posted by Winnie
Ummmmm......
NO!
Who asked you roothy?Quote:
Originally Posted by Winnie
VB visitors beer , tight ass visitors bring it to your house drink your xxxx and then take it home again saying gee I didn't drink much
I understand you skirt wearers just can't handle the lovely thing that is VB. One day you'll sprout a chest hair and realise how good it is.
Only a VB drinker would call a beer lovely. a real beer drinker would say bloody good drop that .Quote:
Originally Posted by Winnie
Could be worse, they could the VB in your fridge.Quote:
Originally Posted by gaddy
You have to watch the bastards they slowly swap your good beer out and you end up with a fridge full of vb so you become the cheap arse and I reckon they only brewed 1 carton hated the taste and the rest has been floating around everyone's beer fridges for the last 50 odd years