Thanks mate, love it, my sort of joke...ROFLMAO
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Thanks mate, love it, my sort of joke...ROFLMAO
I do that to my niece and nephew all the time. I ask if they'd like a surprise, they say yes please and my nephew always puts out his hands. I lift my hands in the air and tell "SURPRISE"Quote:
Originally Posted by Apollofish
Wife asks husband in the morning, "We're you drinking again last night", husband says "No love, I told you, I had to stay back at work last night".
http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forum...013/04/127.jpg
Anyone remember the Samual Pepys Show..roflmao
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CfJ...5D50F955D1E6A5
T is fooooor Taslucas.....who picks the apple tree....lolQuote:
Originally Posted by The Dogman
Thought of him when I posted this, been searching for it for about a month or more AB, just don't tell him...lol
Lol
If you're happy and you know it tap a post!
Hahaha thats great, so catchy:-)
FanTapstic!
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
A Scotsman's Chilli
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.
The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said,
"Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of VB beer, for the price of 2.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA love it!Quote:
Originally Posted by Apollofish
If you're happy and you know it tap a post!
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, Notify: 'I put DOCTOR'."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I know that i am supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder for me to find one these days.
Chilli and VB in consecutive posts - covers a major part of this forum
Not a true story..............
Took dad to the shopping centre the other day to get a bite to eat at the food court.
Notice dad watching this teenager sitting near by, the teenager had a rainbow coloured
MO Hawk hair cut, Dad kept staring and the teenager caught him staring every time. Finally the teenager had had enough and said.
"Whats the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life??? Knowing dad I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response.
Without batting an eyelid he said "got stoned once and had sex with a parrot, so just wondered if you were my daughter
I woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished I got back into bed.
My wife said, 'darling you're shaking, what is it?
'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said,
That B*stard next door has still got my bloody shovel'.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about".
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
Poosystems and Figerz11 fail to book a stand at the Melbourne 4x4 show.
Roothy's rants
What's better than eating a Mandarin?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Eating amanda out!
Bawawawaha!
I tapped that app...
Yer sorry if it offends anyone. I don't know any clean jokes. This was the cleanest I could think of. Well, tbh, this is the only joke I can remember...I'm just waiting to meet this Amanda girl and give her a Mandarin.
Police have arrested Rolf Harris but they can't get past his excellent defence.
It seems he's got an extra leg to stand on.
After my wife died of a heart attack I didn't want to settle down again straight away. I wanted to have some fun first. So I went online to find a young girl with big boobs that I could have casual sex with.
Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed. They thought I should have called an ambulance first.
"African boxer Mongo Wogchops successfully returns to the ring after losing both feet in a landmine accident. His pro record now stands at 10 wins without defeet"
I'd like to share an experience with you that has to do with drink driving.
As you know I've had brushes with the authorities on the way home from the odd event over the years.
Well I've done something about it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Last night I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had way too much to drink.
Knowing full well I was over ,I did something I've never done before.
I took a bus home. I arrived safe and sound without incident,
which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before, lol
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time-but nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
"I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice.
After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living.
Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?
"I work for the Tax Office."
If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage,
Hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of
Stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs
And climb toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with
... Cold water.
After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same
Result.........all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
Monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away.
Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new
Monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock,
All of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb
The stairs he will be assaulted
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer
Takes part in the punishment...........with enthusiasm, because he is
Now part of 'the team'.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the
Fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
Stairs he is attacked.
Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were
Not permitted to climb the stairs.
Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the
Newest monkey
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the
Remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway
For the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds.............that is the way it
Has always been!
This, my friends, is how Parliament operates.........and this is why,
From time to time:
ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...
The Worst Age To Be ???????
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Oldy but a goody lol
Bad surprise in forest
http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forum...chmentid=29483
"Suicide box" OKA, with mass 645 kg, 2 cylinders engine volume 649 or 749 cub cm towing Infiniti QX.
http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forum...chmentid=29482
Or, may be infiniti walking a pet on a lead lol
G'day lounge lizards!
An Ex-Lawyer, a Pathological Liar, a Fraudster, an Atheist and a Communist walk into a BAR.
Bartender asks....
"What'll it be, Ms. Gillard?"
Regards,
RLI
And they wouldn't even let Mr Abbott through the door!Quote:
Originally Posted by RLI
A lovingWife
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside,he finds a couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told himit was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'