Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.
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Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
(Edit: Not the way I mop....hahahahahahah)
- What do Eskimos get from sitting around in their igloos for too long?
Polaroids!
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The 25 Best Reasons to Be a Guy
- You can go to the bathroom without needing a support group for accompaniment.
- You can pee standing up or sitting down, or even while taking a shower - your choice. In fact, the world is your urinal. And, as a bonus, you can pee your name in the snow!
- The toilet always seems to clean itself, and even if it doesn't that does not worry you.
- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
- Even though your tits are basically the same as a girl's, you can whip your shirt off on a hot day and show them anywhere in public without getting arrested. And, as a further bonus, people's eyes don't keep darting to your chest when you’re talking to them.
- You can fart anywhere and as loudly as you like, and you can even get people to pull your finger before doing it.
- You can use the same hairstyle for years, if not for decades.
- Wrinkles and gray hair add character to your face.
- Your old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
- One wallet, one belt, one pair of shoes; the perfect outfit for every day of the year.
- Three pairs of shoes, total, are plenty for all of your needs.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes, and you never have strap problems in public.
- A short vacation only needs a single carry-on suitcase.
- You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
- You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
- You get to enjoy movie nudity which is virtually always female. And most porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
- You know the truth about why you don’t call a woman back after the first date - which is that there was a good football game on TV and the next day and you plain forgot.
- In a relationship you can fix everything with flowers.
- Weddings seem to plan themselves.
- Buying a wedding dress costs $2000, whereas a tuxedo rental costs $75.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- You don’t have to know the names of more than 5 colors.
- You don't need to feel more than three emotions, total, ranging from good to bad.
- You don't need to talk about problems, you just fix them.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
The other day I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my nuts and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard, as he staggered out the door..
Stupid cow ... why else would I buy dog food?
When I was at school my teacher used to say to me "staring out the window will get you no where in life.."
You can imagine the cheeky look on my face as he drove up to the drive through.
I thought my hot new girlfriend might be "The One", but after going through her knicker draw and finding a nurses uniform, a french maids outfit and a policewomans uniform i've dumped her. It's obvious she can't hold down a f@%#!n job..........
to the woman with the 6 screaming kids all under 8yrs old at WalMart, if you're wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart, You're welcome!
BF : Babe ;) What Are You Doing?
GF : Nothing Much !! Really Tired ;') .
Just Going To Sleep Now Honey... And You Sweetheart?
BF : In The Club Standing Behind You
A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his butt!!!. Doctors described his condition as Stable !!!
A concerned husband went to the dqloctor to talk about his wife. He said to the doctor, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.
He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replied, "For the fourth Effing' time, vegetable stew!"
'What it really means' :
‘I'm going fishing.’ Really means... ‘I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.’
‘I missed you.’ Really means.... ‘I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.’
‘Uh huh,’ ‘Sure, honey,’ or ‘Yes, dear.’ Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
‘I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind.’ Really means.... ‘I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.’
‘Have you lost weight?’ Really means.... ‘I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.’
‘Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.’ Really means.... ‘I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.’
‘What did I do this time?’ Really means.... ‘What did you catch me at?’
‘Let's take your car.’ Really means.... ‘Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.’
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. ‘Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!’ The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’ The boy turns, and whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, ‘Do you have Viagra?’ ‘Yes,’ he answered.
She asked, ‘Does it work?’ ‘Yes,’ he answered.
‘Can you get it over the counter?’ she asked. ‘I can if I take two,’ he answered.
This one is truly priceless.............
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The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half,
placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were
just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping
the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to
eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
"THE TEETH."
NEW DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED:
Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.
Rum and ice will ruin your liver.
...
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.
Gin and ice will ruin your brain.
Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth...
There u have it! ICE is flipping lethal.
Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice, just drink it straight!!
Forward this immediately. You could save a life!!...
And don't forget what that damn stuff did to the Titanic!!
An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife, a redhead, picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.
"Damn, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.
"That's for 60 years of bad sex," she replies.
A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.
"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"
The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference."
the kids love the crunchbird (they want one)
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules' From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1.. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday + GOOD WEATHER = Sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done. Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1.. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as CARS OR BOOBS
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
The word they were given was Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone
and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.
The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!
A guy meets a girl at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night.
Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They got back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.
There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
They clear off the bed and go at it.
Later, after the sex, he turns to her and asks..."well, how was I?"
She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Just something to get you in the right frame of mind for the 2012 meet... By the sounds of what Growlers has planned its gunna be interesting.
The Chili Cook-Off
***************
In Texas they have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
**( Frank is Judge #3 )**
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CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
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Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
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CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
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Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
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CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
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Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
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CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
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Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
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CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
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Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
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CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
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Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
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CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
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Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.**
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
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CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
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Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Very good Pauly patch got a full on belly laugh reading this! hopefully there will be some game enough to try my sauce! Reckon I'll call it growlers ring 'O' fire hahahaha
Christmas Cookie Recipe
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one
cup of butter in a large bowl until fluffy
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the
Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...
just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2
leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, Pick the
frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the
turner. If the fried druit gets stuck
in the beaterers just pry it loose with
a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to
check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or
something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon
juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or
somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Finally, throw
the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the
dishwasher.
A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know....,
I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of
your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your
job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
I saw a real ugly stripper once. She said,"So what do you want me to take off next?"
I said, "My glasses?"
I told my wife I want a dog for christmas.. she said you'll have turkey like the rest of us
HahahahahhahHahhaHa very good Pauly
hahahahahahaha............. Love it
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I like this..... Its very clever
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins totalk. Everyone else in the room stopsto listen.
Man: "Hello?"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "I think its 68,000 pounds."
Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is 1.25 million."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."
Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
okay - Christmas cracker time!!!
What do you call a crate of ducks??? A box of quackers
What do you call a man with a spade on his head??? Doug
What's furry and minty? A polo Bear
What animals need oiling? Mice, because they squeak
Considering you like Naughty Corner, thats shameful...............hahahahahahahaQuote:
Originally Posted by belzi82
A recent study shows that 90% of women don't like men in pink shirts.
Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.
My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn't slutty, but I saw right through it.
After landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings”
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, ‘Mommie how old are you?’ To which her mother responded, ‘Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman.’
Susie then replied, ‘Well, how much do you weigh?’ Once again her mother said, ‘Susie that is another question you never ask a woman.’
Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. ‘Why so sad?’ Anna asked. Susie replied, ‘I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me.’
Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers.
Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, ‘I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old.’ She continued with, ‘And I know you weigh 135 pounds.’ Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight. Finally Susie exclaimed, ‘And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.’
Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, ‘How do you know this?’ Susie waved the license in the air, and replied: ‘It says right here you got an ‘F’ in sex!!’