The Joke Thread

[gec]

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his member... which now had a button sewed on the end.

[patch697]

LOLOLOL........... Well done mate .....lolol

[paulzy924]

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?




A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

[gec]

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

[patch697]

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

LOL......ROFLMAF................... Top marks

[Bigrig]

I've obviously changed this to make it a bit less blue for the kids - so insert the appropriate words as you feel necessary ...

A couple of blokes fishing notice another fella standing just up the beach from them wearing a tuxedo.
The man in the tuxedo doesn't look fazed at all, simply baiting his line and throwing it in.
A little while passes and the two blokes can't stand it anymore and coax each other into asking the man in the tuxedo 'what's his story'.
So they amble up beside him, do the obligatory nod of the head and say "g'day" ...
the fella in the tuxedo says, "how's it going guys" ...
"Yeah, good mate" they say
Then comes the question "look mate, forgive us for asking, but what's the story on wearing the tuxedo in the surf for fishing"
"I'm on my honeymoon" replies the man quite proudly
"Your honeymoon?" they retort with a giggle "Then why aren't you up there giving it to the missus?"
"I can't" he says "she's got herpes"
The two blokes look at each other in stunned silence wondering if the bloke is for real ... going along with it, they ask
"Well, then why don't you roll her over and go in the back door mate"
"I can't" he says "she's got aids"
At this the blokes are beyond astonishment and figure they are dealing with a whacko ...
"Then how about pushing her down and getting some pleasure for yourself mate" they say
"I can't" he says "she's got syphillus"
At this the blokes can't hold it together anymore and put the obvious question to him ...
"Mate, if she's got herpes, aids and syphillus, it has to asked, why the hell did you marry her then?"
"Well" says the man "I'm a real avid fisherman and as it turns out, she's got worms too !!!!"

[gec]

The electric fence and I


The setting
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, i woke up one morning with my neighbors dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbors yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.

To make sure this never happened again, i got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, i did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for i think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day im mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that i unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though didnt unplug it.

Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing i notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and i could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that ****ing Briggs & Stratton rolled over, i could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just **** your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so i know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This i could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point im thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "****!" i think as i remember i just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in ****, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest i think "oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But no, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here i am in the middle of January, 38 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, im agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly dont know how i got loose from the wire... i woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and i was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while i was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume i finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep i realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right)

3- ****, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think

4- My left eye will not open

5- My right eye will not close

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)



That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and i now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before i mow.

[gec]

"Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife".
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

"Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary
and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time,
I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately,
I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner,
my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out
on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say,
"don't do it, dipshit,"
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and .. . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner,
then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position,
with tears in my eyes,
body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution:
there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
I collected my wits (what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P.S. My wife loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!
"If you think Education is difficult,
try being stupid."

[gec]

MAKING A BABY...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

[gec]

Why am I so tired??

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
Sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or
Anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why: The population of this country is 20 million. [Australia!] 9
Million are retired.

That leaves 11 million to do the work.There are 7 million in school,
Which leaves 4 million to do the work.

Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2
Million to do the work. 0.5 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied
With finding Osama bin Laden.

Which leaves 1.5 million to do the work. Take from the total the 1million
People who work for state and local governments, and that leaves 500,000
People to do the work.

At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, leaving 220,000
People to do the work.


Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to
Do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your @ss, at your computer,
Reading jokes.

Nice, real nice.