The Joke Thread

[gec]

Memo to all employees:


SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.





In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
(S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS.
(D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING.
(E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T any more, and are full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS.
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION.
(M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).

This course emphasises how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
(H.O.T.S.H.I.T).
Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T).

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)

[NickBGU4]

An Australian, a Kiwi and a Yarpie (South African) are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
"In Suth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says. The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Australia we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.!!!!!!"

[gec]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[gec]

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.

[NickBGU4]

Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who was
visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to

be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple

of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

===============================================

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Paul: Holy sh*t!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out.

I hope they think this tastes like food.

===============================================

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking p1ss off a thistle.

===============================================

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting sh*t-faced from all the
beer.

===============================================

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a curry.

Paul: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. b!tch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

===============================================

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I f@rted and four people behind me needed hospital
treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher.

I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them
you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.

===============================================

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb!

Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and
dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames leaping
from my ar$ehole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with
a red hot poker and I've just sh!t myself when I f@rted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to

stand behind me except that . Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I
thought.

I Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone!

I think if I sit on the toilet now, my ar$ehole will go down for a drink of
water.

===============================================

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear
soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.

Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid
unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away and
now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of
lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.

===============================================

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

Paul: --------------editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.

[rkinsey]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! That is absolutely bloody hilarious!! love this thread

[NickBGU4]

There's a bloke sitting at a bar at the top of the Empire state building, he's looking kind of perplexed when a well dressed business man say's "whats troubling you?"
to which the bloke replied
"I've been sitting here studying the wind, and I think I could jump out of a western window and be blown back in"
And without another word, downs his beer and takes a flying leap out the window! A few seconds pass and sure enough the bloke comes flying back through!
"that's amazing" exclaimed the well dressed business man, "I am going to have ago!"
He quickly jumps out the window and falls to his death...
At which point the bartender leans over and say's
"you can be a real prick when your pissed superman"

[gec]

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f%&#ing business!"

[NickBGU4]

A little guy is sitting in a bar when a thug comes in and smacks him in the face and says "thats karate from Korea"
After the little bloke recovers and again is sitting up the thug comes back and hits him in the face again, that's "Kung Fu" from Japan.
This time the little guy crawls out of the bar and comes back about half hour later and creeps up behind the thug and hits him knocking him out cold, the little guy turns to the barman and says, when he comes to tell him that was "Shovel" from Bunnings.

[NickBGU4]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later, the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and
Savior?'

But Mary did not stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again
said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.