RLI's d--k brain moment part 2.
“Proper prior planning prevents piss poor performance”
10.55am whilst balancing on the rear wheel of my Patrol, Ben is still in shock, while young Liam thinks this is great shit! I ask Ben to unwind the winch cable, Ben suddenly replied; “oh-shit Paul, their no cable on the winch.” I then pivoted to look into the rear of the Patrol, shock horror!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No recovery gear in the back!!!! Farkkkkk meeeee, (I said quietly to myself!)
Ben yells out “Paul I think you will have to call the NRMA or the Police for assistance mate” I said, Ben, settle down mate, do your call the f--king bottle-shop if cannot unscrew your stubby mate!!!? To easy I said, we will call your Dad and ask him to bring the recovery kit and the winch cable from home, we are only 15mins away. Ben calls his dad (Dave) and passes on the instructions. 10mins later, phone call from Dave, he can’t find the recovery kit, “f--kkk-meee I said”, and then comes the reply he’s found it. (I am slowly take my hand out of my mouth!)10 mins later another phone-call from Dave, this time he can’t find the winch cable! By now I cannot believe what is happening, (I am thinking to myself Murphy’s Law is starting to settle in mate!, i feel like a one legged man in an arse kicking competition!) By now cramp is now sneaking into my left leg whilst balancing on the Patrol. I yelled out “Dave you have eyes, please use them you old lovable old person you!” finally, he finds it, hooray, yee-haa; thank f--k for that I said.
Meanwhile, the first red-necks appear on the scene, like f--king buzzard’s waiting to have ago at a dead carcass. Then the comments suddenly start from the peanut gallery; “I think your f--ked mate!, I don’t know how you are going to get out there pal? You might need a f--ken crane mate to lift you back down?” I just looked at the person and said quite cool'ly "really Einstein"! Then Ben starts to agree with these hillbillies! The only thing missing from these f--ken squeezers were the long jeans and braces. (Like in the old movie Deliverance) Minutes later a trail bike rider appears and offered to help, I advised him that my father-in-law was on his way with all the recovery gear that I needed. All of a sudden the hillbillies think it’s a good idea to start taking photos and videos.
11.45 am now concerned by the rednecks (especially, when everyone of them appeared to have every second tooth missing and two of them even had fingers missing on their hands.) It turns out they all work for a local sawmill. However, the only thing that was going through my mind was the scene from the movie Deliverance, which is about inbreeds in a remote location in the US which captured a group of canoeists. Remember the famous scene (“Squeal like a piggie”). (I am thinking to myself, thank f--k for the brother in-law and his 15 year-old step son, if I have to sacrifice them to the hillbillies so be it!)
12.15pm finally the father in-law turns up with Ben's wife Lisa who followed him out in their hire car, I yelled out what took you so long, the old prick replies; “we got lost” (I am saying to myself why me o ‘lord, why me!!!!!) At last Ben staggers up the hill with the recovery gear in hand, by now my legs are killing me whilst balancing on the rear wheel of the Patrol; it had been over an hour painstakingly hanging on. Quickly we secured the Patrol with snatch straps and rope tied through the front and rear passenger side door pillars, anchored it back 20 meters to a tree. Shit !! I could finally let go.
After watching Ben stagger/slip and then roll down the hill, I ask Dave where the winch cable is. I suddenly shit myself when he hands Ben a $10.00 Bunning’s store coiled up rope that he found in one of the cupboards in my garage!!! My jaw hit the ground; I said what the shit is this? I could not believe that Dave thought that this was winch cable, especially when we had conducted several winching exercisers over the years together. (What a tosser!)
12.45pm I jump into Dave's Patrol, told Ben and Lisa to wait here while I went home to get the winch cable, 15mins later I find the winch cable where I had originally directed him to look for. All Dave could say “I thought I looked there” (once again I am thinking to myself, if my father-in-laws hands were made of sand-paper, surely he would have no c--k left by now!)
13.15pm on our way back, I could not believe my eyes as we bumped into Ben and Lisa on the track they had decided to enforce the u-jack system. (F--k-you-jack-I am-off) we pull up, he winds down the window and informs me that he asked the trail bike rider to look after the Patrol, he told the trail bike rider that he and his family had to leave so they could get ready to catch the plane back to Victoria. I said your plane does not leave until 4.35pm. (What an idiot! it was like asking Dracula to look after the blood bank!) What really pissed me off was when hands me my new Canon 60D camera, whilst he left my Patrol with a total stranger with the keys in the ignition, my wallet in the consul. (What a ****-stick!)
As we are heading back to the Patrol I am starting to look for smoke to appear in the sky (thinking the trail biker has done a runner and set fire to the Patrol.) Finally we arrive 13.20pm, no sign of the trail bike rider, however, the local park ranger was their advising me that the trail bike rider had to go and asked him if he would look after the Patrol. I could not believe the comedy of errors that was occurring today!
With Dave incapacitated with a crook knee, I left him sitting in his patrol while I fitted the winch cable and winched the Patrol to safety, then reversed her back down the track. After offering to buy a slab of beer for Ron the local ranger for looking after the Patrol we then headed home. Unfortunately i was unable to rescue my vehicle and take photos at the same time of the recovery. I know i am good, but not that good! Enjoy!
PS, i hope this yarn meets with patches approval!
Regards,
RLI
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