The Joke Thread

A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his butt!!!. Doctors described his condition as Stable !!!

A concerned husband went to the dqloctor to talk about his wife. He said to the doctor, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.

He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replied, "For the fourth Effing' time, vegetable stew!"

'What it really means' :



‘I'm going fishing.’ Really means... ‘I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.’

‘I missed you.’ Really means.... ‘I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.’

‘Uh huh,’ ‘Sure, honey,’ or ‘Yes, dear.’ Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

‘I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind.’ Really means.... ‘I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.’

‘Have you lost weight?’ Really means.... ‘I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.’

‘Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.’ Really means.... ‘I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.’

‘What did I do this time?’ Really means.... ‘What did you catch me at?’

‘Let's take your car.’ Really means.... ‘Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.’

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. ‘Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!’ The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’ The boy turns, and whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, ‘Do you have Viagra?’ ‘Yes,’ he answered.
She asked, ‘Does it work?’ ‘Yes,’ he answered.
‘Can you get it over the counter?’ she asked. ‘I can if I take two,’ he answered.

This one is truly priceless.............

http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphot...33325347_n.jpg

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half,
placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were
just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping
the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to
eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

"THE TEETH."

NEW DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED:

Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.

Rum and ice will ruin your liver.
...
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.

Gin and ice will ruin your brain.

Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth...

There u have it! ICE is flipping lethal.

Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice, just drink it straight!!

Forward this immediately. You could save a life!!...

And don't forget what that damn stuff did to the Titanic!!

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife, a redhead, picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.

"Damn, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex," she replies.

A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.

"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"

The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference."

the kids love the crunchbird (they want one)